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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother-in-law (or his wife) didn’t let me know about their DC’s birth

52 replies

happybunny03 · 13/02/2020 10:23

We have a group chat on WhatsApp (my SIL, BIL and DH) - they could have shared the news there, but instead my BIL just informed my DH & sent him photos... I feel left out and sad because it’s big news and my DD is the first cousin of their new baby. Should I be offended? They live in Australia (my DH is Australian) so it’s not like I can pop round to visit the baby.

Just a bit of additional context: my SIL tends not to respond to my texts (so therefore I have only sent her one in the last 6 months to be friendly and ask how her pregnancy is going). I asked my DH to mention this to his brother, but he never did because apparently my SIL has some family issues (parents divorced, her sister is a bit weird etc).

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/02/2020 10:25

They let your family know, they told you're DH this isn't about you. When both my DNs have been born my brother messaged me, his sister. He gets on well with DH but there was no need to message us both it's not like I'm not going to tell DH. YABU

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/02/2020 10:25

*your

saraclara · 13/02/2020 10:26

Your BIL let his brother know his news. That seems pretty normal to me. I doubt he's got time to be over-thinking which whatsapp group to use.

I don't understand what your problem is.

BlueThursday · 13/02/2020 10:27

Maybe it was more for the new mums benefit ie not bombarding her phone with messages since she’s in the group and let her recover

crustycrab · 13/02/2020 10:28

What? He texted his brother, presumably who would pass it on to you. No issue here

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/02/2020 10:30

That is truly bonkers. He told your DH. Probably assumed he'd mention it to you.

If you try and make this about your own insecurities it wont end well.

bluebluezoo · 13/02/2020 10:31

WTF?

So your DH's brother told him they'd had the baby, but you were expecting a separate call to inform you personally, either from your BIL or SIL?

When you had a baby did you phone everyone individually, your mum, then your dad, for example? Or did you just phone one and let them pass on the news?

They've just had a baby ffs, you expect them to spend the first 24 hours phoning everybody so no one feels left out? Give them a break. You phone a few key people and the news will spread.

Aderyn19 · 13/02/2020 10:31

I don't see a problem with bil informing your dh. But it's clear sil CBA to build any kind of relationship with you, so I'd stop bothering. Let your dh make the effort to buy presents and keep in touch.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 13/02/2020 10:32

This isn't about you.

GlitchStitch · 13/02/2020 10:34

You sound ridiculous.

CakeandCustard28 · 13/02/2020 10:35

It’s not about you, the world doesn’t involve around you. He let his brother know what’s the issue?

Original poster
happybunny03 · 13/02/2020 10:35

Ok thanks all. I wanted to check... yes probably my own insecurities getting in the way

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 13/02/2020 10:35

I get on well with my SiLs and see them regularly. I never told them that either Dc1 or Dc2 had arrived. I phoned my mum who told the rest of my family. Dh messaged or phoned his parents and I assume they told his sisters and everyone else on his side.

I thought that's how everyone did it.

Zogtastic · 13/02/2020 10:36

If you’re asking if this approach confirms what you already suspect then I think I would say on balance it probably does. It’s hard not to take it personally but acceptance that you can change them and their behaviour, you can only control your response will help. I agree with @Aderyn19 - time to disengage and “medium chill” them (look up approach on FOG website). It will allow you to feel a personal sense of control whilst maintaining a superficial relationship on friendly terms.
I suspect this instinctive feeing of rejection you’ve felt is unlikely to be about them very much but it’s twanged an unresolved issue of rejection earlier in your life. You don’t need these people to love you, but you may need to focus on ways to love yourself a little more. Take care.

Shmithecat2 · 13/02/2020 10:38

It's not about you or your dd.... might be their first cousin, but realistically, you live on opposite sides of the world - it's not as if you all have a close relationship. I adore my sil, in fact she was the first to visit when I arrived home from hospital with ds. I still didn't message her when I had ds though, I messaged my brother and assumed that he would pass the message on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Emijen · 13/02/2020 10:38

If they told your DH they’d probably assumed he told you. When I had my DC there’s no way me or DH would have wanted to spend time messaging every single member of our family to tell them the news. We told our parents and they told everyone else.

Gizlotsmum · 13/02/2020 10:39

He let his brother know. My DH let his sister know when we had our babies, but not her partner. She let him know not me...i didn't expect a separate text. DH told me...

Zogtastic · 13/02/2020 10:40

Should have started with, as an isolated event it’s nothing unusual but it sounds as though it feels more of a pattern. I also don’t think it means they don’t love and value you... could be that or more likely that potentially they’re not looking for the same type of engagement as you are...just maybe you’re looking for them to meet needs in you that you might find it worth meeting another way? Sometimes the “weight of expectation” can make people back off even more than they naturally would.

Tombliwho · 13/02/2020 10:44

Confused he told his brother..

AlanRickmanFanClub · 13/02/2020 10:58

I agree that as long as they told your DH, that was sufficient.

lyralalala · 13/02/2020 11:02

I wouldn’t have thought to message both halves of a married couple to pass on news like that

BIL messages DH when his DD was born, DH told me and the kids. Same when ours were born, DH messaged his brother and my siblings and they passed on the news to their OH’d

HoppingPavlova · 13/02/2020 11:16

When I had mine, DH messaged 2 people. My mum and his mum. We let them spread the news to the family.

After a few days, DH then sent a mail to a wider group including a contact in our workplaces etc. He didn’t include family though as this was covered by the initial mail to our mums which would have spread.

I cannot think what your BIL or SIL did wrong in this case.

timetest · 13/02/2020 11:17

You’re overthinking this.

Fundays12 · 13/02/2020 11:20

He told his brother that’s all he needs to do as he knows his brother will tell you. Having a baby isnt about you it’s about it’s about them and the baby.

Kanga83 · 13/02/2020 11:29

No you shouldn't be offended. What is there to be offended at? Your BIL told HIS brother his news. Don't wreck it by acting precious and as for your dd being the first cousin, it's really no big deal. They've just had their baby, he told his brother, nothing else matter.