Brother-in-law (or his wife) didn’t let me know about their DC’s birth

[happybunny03]

We have a group chat on WhatsApp (my SIL, BIL and DH) - they could have shared the news there, but instead my BIL just informed my DH & sent him photos... I feel left out and sad because it’s big news and my DD is the first cousin of their new baby. Should I be offended? They live in Australia (my DH is Australian) so it’s not like I can pop round to visit the baby.

Just a bit of additional context: my SIL tends not to respond to my texts (so therefore I have only sent her one in the last 6 months to be friendly and ask how her pregnancy is going). I asked my DH to mention this to his brother, but he never did because apparently my SIL has some family issues (parents divorced, her sister is a bit weird etc).

Don’t feel bad, OP. You sound friendlier and chattier than SIL, but it’s probably just people’s different styles.

Don’t be upset by this - he texted his brother ... nothing at all to stop you sending a quick warm text saying congratulations and hope she’s doing ok to her ! You already know she won’t reply probably but you’ve still done the right thing

They have just had a baby, obviously an exciting but also bewildering time for all involved. Rather than being happy for them as any normal person would be, you’re focusing on the fact they didn’t announce the birth in a group chat? .

Why should she let you know personally when she knew you knew because her husband had told your husband? Do you always expect special treatment for something so tenuous as your children being cousins separated by many thousands of miles?

I’ve never sent massages to both people in a couple , just one is needed
Her not replying to your text is rude but I’d check there wasn’t a international tech problem before jumping to negative conclusions

They probably presumed your DH would show you, I can’t imagine they’d do it to upset you. They are probably so busy and overwhelmed with their newborn too x

For me and most of my friends if you tell me news then you've automatically told our DHs too. (Unless it's confidential) Because we talk. It would never occur to me to email or WhatsApp both people in a couple. But I know that not everyone does this. And perhaps you are one of those. Does it help to think of it that telling your DH is the same as telling you?

YABU about the birth announcement.

You were also being unreasonable asking your DH to speak to his brother about your SIL not responding to texts - you and she either have different communication expectations, or she's just not that fussed, but either way you need to have the confidence to realise it's not the end of the world, and certainly not something to be raising explicitly through other family members.

I think you are getting some harsh replies OP. I get what you mean - you expected BIL to share the news in the family group WhatsApp chat instead of privately with your DH.

however I do think you are over thinking it, I really doubt SIL has specifically said to BIL to message DH direct and not in group chat so as to cut you out. You are probably over analysing everything as you feel SIL doesn't like you, its understandable, but I dont think likely in this scenario.

I'd send a message to the group chat congratulating them both etc and not worry any more about it.

It’s not about you

Well done your BIL for not hassling your SIL about it! You live on the other side of the world. You don’t have a relationship with her.

When your BIL wanted to share the news and photos, he won’t have actively thought “not the group chat”. He’ll have been thinking people that are important to him - people, not groups. And among those people, is his brother. That’s a lovely moment, telling your sibling that your baby has been born. He knows his brother will share it with you.

They’ve done nothing wrong, and your reaction is quite odd.

Good grief, when I gave birth we didn’t bother informing each partner individually. One call/ message usually suffices. By the time we got to our fifth we only made two or three calls in total and let it filter out on the grapevine!

You’re being a little silly, OP.

I didn't tell anyone when I had my dc's. I had planned csections so both our families were aware of the dates, then dp rang his parents and my parents while I was in recovery and they passed on the news to our siblings. And we're both from very close knit families, speak most days to siblings and inlaws and have numerous group chats. I think it was about a week later when I finally posted in the group chats, had much more important stuff to be getting on with.

Good Lord...I wish I had time to care about such fantastical and mundane things!

DH is BIL's brother. It's normal that he texted him directly. I never personally texted my SIL when I had DD....but I did text my bother. As they're married I kind of assumed he's pass it on.

In the nicest way possible, get a grip.

You are being a silly billy ... imagine it's this sort of hyper sensitivity and "me-ness" that prob makes people not want to contact you.

New mum and dad dont need to be walking on eggshells about anyone other than their baby and themselves at this time.

You're a couple. Were they supposed to tell you both individually?

Pre social media, this was the norm. Social media has upped our level of expectations immensely. Your BIL letting DH know is absolutely fine. As for the distant relationship with your SIL, that’s just down to geography. It’s nothing personal in the least.

At least he shared a photo. Mine didn’t send me anything (Nor did he ever respond to my congratulations message), though he was sharing lots of photos of the baby to everybody else in our family. He also kept cancelling our visits to the hospital (DN was very sick) in favour of Sil’s family. I could understand not seeing DN for her immediate family but I was hurt when they cancelled our visits for third and fourth cousins she had never met. Eventually I stopped reacting and of course that’s when the ‘you favour other sibling’s kids’ shit show started.

I usually tell one half of a couple something so I don't have to repeat it as they will let the other now and I get my news out quickly. I get frustrated when the other half gets upset because they got the news and I hate texting/calling and I don't discriminate will call either one or whoever picks up or responds fastest usually. I'm not sending the same message twice.

When I gave birth my husband told my sister and not BIL. I love my BIL but we had lots of people to tell so just did one of each couple. I am sure they knew your DH would show you, don't stress or worry, also don't bring it up and ruin a happy moment for them by making it about family politics.

I don't actually remember telling my brother or sister and I get on very well with both of them. My husband rang/messaged my parents and I just assumed they'd let them know. I couldn't be doing with messaging 100s of people when I've just had a baby, you kind of want to enjoy the moment. I certainly didn't message wive's and boyfriends separately, who does that??

As others have said it most certainly isn't about you!

When my niece was born my brother texted me obviously realising I'd tell my DH and children. You are being silly.

I dont know why everyone keeps going on about messaging the OP and OH separately. She didn't expect that, she expected him to message the group chat. it's in the first line of her opening post!!!

I think you are overthinking this. They’ve just had a baby – maybe relaying the details over the WhatsApp group didn’t occur to BIL, he may have been all over the place. You could always ask, but you will sound petty.

I'd think that it was weird too. You weren't asking about being texted individually about the birth, just why couldn't they have said about the birth in the group chat. Maybe they don't see you as family?