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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with MIL AIBU to say NO

36 replies

ProblemShared · 12/02/2020 21:18

Name changed for this as DH knows my usual name.

DH and I have been together 13 years, married 11. 3DC.

so not to drip feed...

The other night he mentioned we were invited to a family wedding (people I have never met) in september. I replied oh that's nice. Then got accused of being under excited... reiterate to him I have never met them and indeed not seen photos, so really would pass them in the street.

Conversation moves on to how I didnt get excited about his suggestion of going on holiday with his mother. He mentioned it once 2 years ago and I said no. I told him I would rather be honest and not lie.

For background NEVER has he in his adult life expressed any interest of holidays with his family eg) used holiday allowance etc to spend time with them. This was before we met and after. it was an over night Sat -Sun trip to see them a few times a year. and Christmad he would just travel back from london and spend minimal time and work between Xmas and new year. I on the other hand have used holidays to spend with my family, gone away with them as a large group etc before he was in my life and yes after. I only write this to emphasise that this was really out of the blue for me and given private conversations between us a bit of a U Turn. YES people can change their mind.

so this is about him thinking IABU not to want to go on holiday with his mother (ONLY) . Because and i quote "because i think it would be nice for her"

I said to him that my stance hadnt changed and i want comfortable with that. As he stood there muttering and shaking his head i said we should continue the conversation at another time as it was bath time for the DCs and wasnt going to address that right at that moment. As as far as i was aware all he could hear was me being a horrid person so i wasnt going to try and defend myself to a shaking head muttering, huffing and puffing man. I did say he was welcome to go on holiday with her - take her to paris or somethng nice for a long weekend. Ended without much further discussion but in my head i just felt a bit shit. because i felt all my reasons sounded a bit rubbish / selfish / childish.

I like his mum. she comes to stay and we do things, have fun and is welcome. Never and issue EVER about her coming to see us.

BUT i do have MIL / family IL issues.....

DH does change in her (and in his family's company in general) and it is sometimes just exhausting and uncomfortable to watch. he is not the person i live with, i love and am married to. it is like a split personaity. He is not like this around my family.

His mother also treats him like a proxy husband sometimes. eg) his DB lives 40 mins away from her and she asks DH to travel 4+hrs instead. so yes he is the preferred son. cards with "i dont know what i would do without you... love you loads" " how could i manage without you..." she is 68 and in good health.

anyway i can easily live with this for 3 nights in my own house with 3 dc to take to parties, cook, take to activities, my own life etc. What i cant see being fun is spending a week like this during the holiday that i work hard for. always trying to please his mother. who def turns to no.1 priority to please but also to show off too.

It doesn't sit right with me, like an invasion of my space or something similar i cant quite put my finger on.

BUT It makes me feel like i am being horrid and silly when I say it out loud.

SO AIBU just to say no and leave it at that.

AIBU to ask mumsnet if there are words I can use try and explain how I feel.

again to be clear. any family holidays with my family have been a very large group of say 14+ DH has enjoyed day trips cycling with my DBIL etc people do their own thing. I def wont be going on holiday with DBIL and family as they have only met DC3 once despite frequently coming within about 20 mins of our house! they live about 3-3.5 hours away. DH doesnt want to do that either.

Thanks all - apologies for the long wittering story. Just feel this could be one of those festering things that in 10 years gets pulled out if not addressed.

OP posts:
Loli2 · 12/02/2020 21:21

He probably sees you doing this with your family and i think its fair he would want that with his mother too.

Does he know that he is a different person around her? Could you compromise and go on a very VERY short break away with MIL

TimeTravellersHat · 12/02/2020 21:27

I'd simply reiterate that he's more than welcome to holiday with her. Why should you if you'd rather not?

Presumably the same applies to him - and you'd not try to coerce him into spending holidays with your family? If so - all fair and equal!

wonderstuff · 12/02/2020 21:30

Is she on her own? I think that you're not being completely unreasonable, but that it is nice to go away with parents if you can. I decided to go away with my dad a few times, sometimes just me and him, sometimes with dh and the kids, just for a few days at a time, probably did 6 or so weekends away. He was on his own and I thought he'd like company. Then he died suddenly, only 64, and I can't tell you how much comfort I get from the memories of those trips.
Now my in laws are quite mad and actively dislike me, so I wouldn't entertain the idea of trips with them.

IWantThatName · 12/02/2020 21:38

Cruise!
You can do your own things during the day if you want, and just meet up for dinner; kids' club if your children enjoy such things. Get a cabin in a completely different part of the ship to hers ...
So you're together but not together ... plus YOU don't have to lift a finger during the cruise. It's bliss!**

**coronavirus and norovirus-infested ships notwithstanding Wink

Original poster
ProblemShared · 12/02/2020 21:52

To answer:

Yes he knows he changes as I have told him how exhausting it is and forgive me if I go to bed early! He is not aware. He asked me to point out to him but unless I record daily life its not that easy to see. He just becomes a bit odd and animated!

Totally agree it's sad he can not do the same with his family.

Yes he is free not to come on holiday with my family. And has in the past not come due to work. But says he enjoys it. I would Never force him.

Yes she is on her own and agree 100% on making memories but.... and again this is where I sound selfish... who will enjoy this - only her and maybe dh or is he doing this as another sense of duty I dont know.

She doesnt interact with children much (different thread entirely - sad to see) and let my 2 year old run into road as was looking at her dog incase he went on road and let go of dc hand! Glad i wasnt there. Dh then said he felt bad for shouting at her for being an idiot. But why wouldn't you shout!!! (Sorry drip feed)

Cruise - oh that sounds a bit confined (never been on a cruise and know they are massive and anything but confined but makes me anxious!) Also NOT paying for the cost of additional adult on a cruise. Dont want to turn this to £ but...

OP posts:
Daftodil · 12/02/2020 22:23

Can you bring MIL with you when you go on your big holiday with your family? Perhaps the familiarity of having your family there will take the edge off for you but still satisfy DH that you're making the effort with his mum. Hopefully the extra people will dilute any tensions you may have compared to if it was just you, DH, MIL and DCs.

Original poster
ProblemShared · 12/02/2020 22:37

Yeah could be an option. But nothing planned this or next year. My parents are old and he one 2 years ago prob the last abroad. Its wasnt a regular thing. And not sure he would invite her along with say my sister and family!

We are meeting up in UK at a hotel for my parents 60th wedding anniversary but I dont think that's appropriate.

OP posts:
Commonwasher · 12/02/2020 22:50

I see where you are coming from. Same situation here that my family has often holidayed together in a big group, but we have not done likewise with the in laws.

Now there is a family destination wedding on the horizon and MIL determind we all stay together in a villa for a week. I can’t object because we holiday with my family regularly and it would look like favouritism.

The reality is you will not enjoy it, but it will cause huge offence if you don’t go. I would go for a long weekend, and take headphones and a book and think that it’s a one off to keep the peace. And one day you might be the MIL if you have boys and will hope your daughter in law is considerate of your feelings.

Original poster
ProblemShared · 12/02/2020 23:10

Commonwasher I see your point I do. I'll sleep on it. But I just then think I'll be accused of being rude reading or having headphones or being unreasonable playing with my own children... it just drives me a bit mad... he is comfortable enough around my family to sit on his phone!

Apart from all the other stuff about the way they act together, i just think why? Why now. Why if DH is not even that keen and says it's an idea because it would be nice for her (doesnt mention himself or us) she hasn't really ever made much effort with our children.

I say that silently in my head not out loud as I know it sounds spoilt and horrid and yes people can change...

To the I'll be a MIL one day point I have 2 DS 1 DD and not sure I would enjoy being a 6th person on a family holiday. Inam more independent and value my space and enjoy my own company too much! I shall endeavour to he a good MIL with no holiday expectations- mrs do as you would be done by!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 23:15

I'm about to be a MIL and the last thing I'd expect is to go on holiday with them. I'd rather go with people my own age, thanks!

Pixxie7 · 12/02/2020 23:21

One of my daughters recently arranged a surprise holiday for me to go away with them. Although it took some persuading I explained that although I appreciated the sentiment I would be a hindrance and spoil it for everyone else.
She eventually understood.

makingmammaries · 13/02/2020 12:18

It looks to me like your DH cannot be bothered to organize his own trip with his mother and wants you there to manage it all. Since you won’t enjoy it, I think it’s fine to decline to use your holiday for that purpose. I would probably insist that he take her away somewhere (and watch him squirm). Anyway, what the heck is this about being underwhelmed re his relative’s wedding? You get to choose how whelmed you are.

Vulpine · 13/02/2020 12:29

So he holidays with with multiple family members but you dont want to with just one?

Curiosity101 · 13/02/2020 12:37

If you'd feel comfortable I'd be tempted to try a very very short trip like a PP suggested. Just to test the water? If it's as horrible as you thought it was going to be then at least you can say to your husband that you've tried but wont be doing it again.

Aderyn19 · 13/02/2020 12:50

I wouldn't want to go either, especially if I was using up valuable holiday time off work or spending money that would prevent me going on a second holiday of my choosing.
At a push, I'd do a weekend somewhere. This sounds like more of a DH problem than a mil one and with that in mind I'd probably be quite blunt with DH and tell him what you've said here. Why would you want to go on holiday with a husband whose behaviour alters in an unattractive way and be criticised for wanting to read a book or do your own thing for a bit.
There's nothing in this for you and if your mil is lonely it's not actually your problem to fix.

adreamofspring · 13/02/2020 12:51

You’ve explained your reasons really well here OP. He sounds like he was spoiling for a fight after getting wound up about your (justified) low key reaction to the family wedding. Can you talk about this when he’s calmer? Or will he always start huffing and puffing? If he never chose to spend extended time with his family then your suggestion and take baby steps with a weekend away with his mum on his own before going all in on a £££ family holiday seems like the next, natural step.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2020 12:56

I’d try a long weekend to be honest, it isn’t that much to ask. You can specify to him beforehand some basics: remember, you sit on your phone with my family. I will at some point read my book. I don’t expect you to call me out on that, that would be hypocritical double standards.

And if it goes very badly you can always remind him from then on that you don’t want to go away with his mum because he did/said

Baffy · 13/02/2020 13:27

I agree with Curiosity101

MotherofKitties · 13/02/2020 13:35

Hi OP,

I agree with PP regarding what they said about how he's seen how your family holidays together and has really enjoyed it so probably wants to reenact that with his own family.

However, just because one lot of family get on well together during holidays doesn't automatically mean it'll be as good or as comfortable with another lot of family. I've been on holiday with DHs family and we've been on holiday with my own family. I loved going on holiday with his family, but I probably wouldn't do it again with my own for various reasons.

At the end of the day if you don't want to do it and you think it'll be a nightmare, don't do it. You've been perfectly reasonable by offering to have the kids whilst he takes his mother on holiday by himself, which by the sounds of it she would love.

LochJessMonster · 13/02/2020 13:54

I think YABU.
Its his mother and he wants to go on a family holiday with her. You wouldn't even consider a weekend. Yet he goes away with your family.

We use to go away with my grandparents all the time. Separate rooms in the hotel so you have your own space.

I think you are being a bit selfish and stubborn.

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 14:02

Thank God for my bloke! We had a week away with my (very old) parents every year for about 11 years. We stayed in separate hotels, picked them up every morning and dropped them back at tea time. Surely you could manage at least a long weekend somewhere nice, OP? Given all the holidays with your family, I don’t think you’ve got a leg to stand on.

Bluerussian · 13/02/2020 14:03

How about a compromise, a short break? Go somewhere that has a lot of local interest but stay in a lovely hotel with a swimming pool, maybe near a beach too so you and children can relax in your own way and husband can accompany mother to stately homes or whatever she fancies. All get together in the evening for dinner.

stopgap · 13/02/2020 14:12

Honestly, we take my MIL and my parents on all our holidays. They all get along really well, and my MIL is a hoot. I don’t think it’s fair to holiday with one side of the family and not the other.

storm11111 · 13/02/2020 14:25

A weekend away with your mother in law won't kill you. He holidays with your family regularly, the least you can do is go on an obligation weekend away.

It's not like you hate her and it would mean a lot to your other half. Honestly you haven't given any reason as to why going away would be such an ordeal other than you wouldn't enjoy it very much?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/02/2020 14:45

Can you clarify if your DH is proposing that you would go on a holiday with his mother without him? So it would be like a 'girls holiday' only? If that's what is being put forward here, then I can see why you wouldn't be jumping up and down with delight at the prospect.

If your DH is suggesting that you, he and your children go on a trip where his mother is also invited, then, I don't think it would be so bad to say try a long weekend somewhere in the UK first to test the waters. You could go to a hotel where there might be a spa & pool and you could enjoy some time relaxing there while your DH and his mother look after the kids maybe?? A hotel with on-site self catering lodges/houses might be nice where you can all have a room and then you'd be able to meet up for breakfast/dinner etc.