Name changed for this as DH knows my usual name.
DH and I have been together 13 years, married 11. 3DC.
so not to drip feed...
The other night he mentioned we were invited to a family wedding (people I have never met) in september. I replied oh that's nice. Then got accused of being under excited... reiterate to him I have never met them and indeed not seen photos, so really would pass them in the street.
Conversation moves on to how I didnt get excited about his suggestion of going on holiday with his mother. He mentioned it once 2 years ago and I said no. I told him I would rather be honest and not lie.
For background NEVER has he in his adult life expressed any interest of holidays with his family eg) used holiday allowance etc to spend time with them. This was before we met and after. it was an over night Sat -Sun trip to see them a few times a year. and Christmad he would just travel back from london and spend minimal time and work between Xmas and new year. I on the other hand have used holidays to spend with my family, gone away with them as a large group etc before he was in my life and yes after. I only write this to emphasise that this was really out of the blue for me and given private conversations between us a bit of a U Turn. YES people can change their mind.
so this is about him thinking IABU not to want to go on holiday with his mother (ONLY) . Because and i quote "because i think it would be nice for her"
I said to him that my stance hadnt changed and i want comfortable with that. As he stood there muttering and shaking his head i said we should continue the conversation at another time as it was bath time for the DCs and wasnt going to address that right at that moment. As as far as i was aware all he could hear was me being a horrid person so i wasnt going to try and defend myself to a shaking head muttering, huffing and puffing man. I did say he was welcome to go on holiday with her - take her to paris or somethng nice for a long weekend. Ended without much further discussion but in my head i just felt a bit shit. because i felt all my reasons sounded a bit rubbish / selfish / childish.
I like his mum. she comes to stay and we do things, have fun and is welcome. Never and issue EVER about her coming to see us.
BUT i do have MIL / family IL issues.....
DH does change in her (and in his family's company in general) and it is sometimes just exhausting and uncomfortable to watch. he is not the person i live with, i love and am married to. it is like a split personaity. He is not like this around my family.
His mother also treats him like a proxy husband sometimes. eg) his DB lives 40 mins away from her and she asks DH to travel 4+hrs instead. so yes he is the preferred son. cards with "i dont know what i would do without you... love you loads" " how could i manage without you..." she is 68 and in good health.
anyway i can easily live with this for 3 nights in my own house with 3 dc to take to parties, cook, take to activities, my own life etc. What i cant see being fun is spending a week like this during the holiday that i work hard for. always trying to please his mother. who def turns to no.1 priority to please but also to show off too.
It doesn't sit right with me, like an invasion of my space or something similar i cant quite put my finger on.
BUT It makes me feel like i am being horrid and silly when I say it out loud.
SO AIBU just to say no and leave it at that.
AIBU to ask mumsnet if there are words I can use try and explain how I feel.
again to be clear. any family holidays with my family have been a very large group of say 14+ DH has enjoyed day trips cycling with my DBIL etc people do their own thing. I def wont be going on holiday with DBIL and family as they have only met DC3 once despite frequently coming within about 20 mins of our house! they live about 3-3.5 hours away. DH doesnt want to do that either.
Thanks all - apologies for the long wittering story. Just feel this could be one of those festering things that in 10 years gets pulled out if not addressed.