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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he's gaslighting the children?

31 replies

clpsmum · 12/02/2020 20:00

Not sure if I'm losing my mind, or making a mountain out of a molehill or what anymore tbh.

So to cut a long story short my STBXH has been telling my children that I am going out all the time and leaving them with random babysitters. THIS IS NOT TRUE! They know it's not true because they live with me six days a week! I am always in. I went out 5pm-10pm on Saturday and left them with a babysitter and hats the only time this year. STBXH keeps saying this to them and it's like he is convincing them it's true even through they are here with me and know it's not. I actually feel like I'm going crazy trying to convince them that it's not true when they actually know it's not! My 9 year old actually said he thinks his dad wants them to hate me! When I've confronted him about it in the past he's called the liars.

Actually at end of my tether and not sure what to do. Think I just wanted a few kind words or some advice if anyone can help. Anxiety been through the roof this week

OP posts:

Original poster

clpsmum · 12/02/2020 20:03

Sorry for using the word actually so many times!!!!

OP posts:

Nomel · 12/02/2020 21:03

Why do you need to convince them if they know it’s not true? It seems like you’ve all seen through your ex’s games so just leave it and don’t stress your children out more but keep telling them it’s not true when they agree with you.

Travis1 · 12/02/2020 21:09

What age are they? Is a laugh and ‘daddy’s so silly, you know that’s not true’ every time sufficient? Don’t get angry or upset. He’s looking for a reaction from you.

1Morewineplease · 12/02/2020 21:16

Your children know the truth. And, yes, it sounds like your stbx is gaslighting them.
All you can do is reassure them and make sure that you’re stable for them.
Best wishes to you.

Original poster

clpsmum · 12/02/2020 21:22

They are 9 and 13. Although they do know it's not true he is so convincing I think they start to doubt themselves. He is telling them other lies and saying horrible things about me and they don't want me to tell him that they've told me. It's horrible situation it must be so confusing for them

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slipperywhensparticus · 12/02/2020 21:28

Correct it every time because they will start to believe the bullshit it's weird but true my ex tells our son we argue all the time we actually dont he has rang me screaming before now but I've not argued with him (I hung up) but he says things like ooh it must be soo hard for you at your mums house with us arguing all the time

He also tells him he heard something wrong there was a specific incident for example his fiance went out got drunk and tried to stab him he told our son this he told me this he even confirmed it via text to me that he had stated this (I told him he shouldn't tell our son) now children's services have got involved he denies this he denies ever saying this claims she was buttering bread and gestured to him with the butter knife and also claims he didnt tell our son this he tried blaming me but ds said it was him now he blames his own mother for discussing an incident he claims never happened do how could they discuss it......

You could go insane trying to work it out

iheartislesofwight · 12/02/2020 21:28

thanks goodness you are going your separate ways and the the dc are old enough to realise what he's doing.

Original poster

clpsmum · 12/02/2020 21:33

@iheartislesofwight that's he point I don't know if they do realise what he is doing. They think the sun shines out of him

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Original poster

clpsmum · 12/02/2020 21:35

@slipperywhensparticus OMG it's awful isn't it? How is your son managing? I just find it so hard. They know it's not true because they are here but yet the believe him! It's so odd. I'm sorry you are going through this too xx

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Branleuse · 12/02/2020 21:37

your poor children. He will lose them if he keeps on like this.

YasssKween · 12/02/2020 22:43

Correct it every time. Gently and non dramatically but do correct it.

We've seen time and time again how gaslighting wankers can run rings around us even as adults with experience of relationships and difficult personalities / complicated dynamics.

And children don't yet have the emotional resilience or capacity to combat a consistent campaign of gaslighting.

Ugh I really feel for you OP and for the little ones. Keep talking to them it sounds like you're a lovely mum.

Original poster

clpsmum · 13/02/2020 08:06

It's so tricky. I feel stuck. They don't want me to say anything to him as they don't want to get in trouble with him, so I'm keeping their confidence and keeping my mouth shut. Very hard though because I feel like he is saying whatever he likes about me and there's nothing I can do

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KidCaneGoat · 13/02/2020 08:10

Well it’s good that they’re talking to you about what he’s saying, it’s really positive and shows they trust you. Sounds like your 9 year old has a sense of what’s going on. I think you’re probably worrying that they’ll convince them more than he actually will. All you can do is be supportive to the children. It must be awful for them to realise that their dad is a liar. Very confusing

Jeezoh · 13/02/2020 08:13

I agree with the others, gently correct them and move the conversation on, try not to give it headspace as that’s what he wants.

Faffette · 13/02/2020 08:15

Maybe you could tell them what he is doing. i.e. explain what gaslighting is and how it works. Once they have a word for it, they might find it easier to see through it.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/02/2020 08:23

OP, you don’t actually have to send them to him if you don’t feeel it’s appropriate. He can take you to court if he wants access where all this will be discussed. Otherwise just take the gentle approach, call out his lies without actually calling them out iyswim. ‘well, do I always leave you with babysitters? ... well then, is it true?’ Let them see the lies for themselves. They’re getting to the age now where they will start to see for themselves, and kids in general do not tolerate untruths.

Icanttakethiscrapanymore · 13/02/2020 08:24

My exh did/still does do this to our dd’s. They were so little when we divorced he found it easy. It drove me mad at first. I couldn’t understand why he’d want dd’s to have hate for their own mum.

I made sure never to say a bad word about exh in front of them. When they asked me or told me something he’s said about me I always answered “that’s not true and it’s not kind either” or “daddy shouldn’t be talking about grown up stuff with you.” Or my personal favourite “just because he says it doesn’t make it true”

I learnt pretty fast was not to react to any of it. He (like your exh) was using the kids to try and hurt me. My power was to keep been a happy, loving and kind mum and not react to it in front of the kids because they hurt if I hurt. 10 years on he’s still the same. Eldest dd has no contact with him because of his behaviour and the youngest 15 is going the same way.

Keep been mum and keep listening to them, loving them and keep your cool ( I know it’s hard) but in the end children aren’t stupid they see so much more than we adults realise.

You sound like a lovely Mum doing a really good job to me !!!

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 13/02/2020 08:26

I think it's quite an adult concept to explain- I'd put it in children's terms like 'telling stories to get someone in trouble'. Or just 'telling stories'.

"Oh dear, is dad making things up again?"
"Oh dear, he's got it wrong again".

Aim for a tone of "poor man, doesn't know which way is up"- it's easier for the children to roll their eyes and dismiss him as clueless than to believe he is malicious.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2020 08:32

picklesdragonisawelshdragon is right. Gaslighting is too much of an adult concept and there's a risk as children they'll not be able to separate gaslighting from telling tales.

Keep calm and don't bad mouth him (because he's probably waiting for you to snap, say something bad and then use it as proof to the children that you don't like him / want to stop him seeing them / any other lie).
When they tell you what he has said, reassure them they've done the right thing to share and then take the "silly daddy" approach so they see it as ridiculous and not worth investing too much thought or energy over.
They'll come to judge his actions in time.

Original poster

clpsmum · 13/02/2020 21:45

Thank you so much everybody for all your kind words and support I can't tell you how much it's helped me. This situation is so exhausting! So far I've managed to not bad mouth him but it is hard! Lots of biting my tongue and deep breaths.

Was previously referred to women and children first who happened to contact me today. They thought the emotional abuse was historical and didn't realise it was ongoing so they're going to allocate us an advocacy worker whatever that means??? Hopefully that will help us all

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tenlittlecygnets · 13/02/2020 21:53

It is parental alienation. He sounds like a right shit. Sounds like your dc have the measure of him, but what an Exhausting way to live, and it’s bad for your dc.

Good that you are seeing WACF. Ask them for advice. What can you do to stop him?

Original poster

clpsmum · 13/02/2020 21:57

I wish there were something I could do to stop him! You're right it's completely exhausting. It's mind games all the time and we have been separated and living apart two and a half years it's not a new thing. His behaviour is getting worse not better! My anxiety has been at an all time high this week and I'm at the end of my tether.

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picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 14/02/2020 07:55

It's easier if you can take the 'silly daddy' line in your own head, too. I know it's serious and he's trying hard to damage you, but if you don't let him in to your head, he can't do much.
Use the 'silly daddy playing silly games making up silly stories' idea in your head, and he will lose power over you.

MzHz · 14/02/2020 08:11

If he’s making the kids feel bad/anxious, they don’t have to go

This is parental alienation and is very poorly viewed in court etc

It’ll be interesting what the advocacy worker does/suggests, but ultimately please understand that this man bullies out of WEAKNESS not strength. The fact he’s ramping this stuff up shows he’s LOSING not winning, so do not worry, he can’t do anything to you and you do have the power to make the decision that contact isn’t currently benefiting the children and pause it until he stops trying to brainwash them.

HermanHermit · 14/02/2020 08:14

they are old enough to realise that he is not there and therefore can't know what is going on. Try and make light of it but point out that he can't see that you're always there and so he can't be right

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