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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband away until 3 days before birth

52 replies

PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 16:05

Just some advice and support really,

We work in a creative industry and my husband has been given a really great opportunity to attend a writers course paid for by work in London. Its a week long retreat a couple of months from now Wednesday to Wednesday but I'm due to give birth on the Saturday. We live South of Manchester so he'll be about 3hrs away at best in an emergency dependent on trains etc.

I've told him to go for it and being super supportive but deep down I'm frightened to death, I know if I said don't go he wouldn't and wouldn't be resentful either he knows the timings crap but I don't want him to miss out (I'd love to have this opportunity myself!)

This is my first pregnancy so I guess I'm just looking for some emotional support, I don't think I can tell my husband my concerns as I don't want to put him off going (I don't want to cry in front of him). I'm also going to be on mat leave by then and the thought of being 39 weeks pregnant rattling around the house on my own makes me feel a bit weepy. ( I guess I'm also a bit jealous he'll be in a hotel getting dinners paid for and basically having a bit of lovely holiday with work friends in some ways)

I don't have any family nearby but my Mum would probably come and stay with me. X

Has anybody been in a similar situation, did you cope? Flowers

OP posts:
titchy · 12/02/2020 16:11

Tell him your concerns and tell him to cancel it. Sorry but statistically you're baby is likely to arrive early and he'd be missing the first few days. There will be other writing courses...

AsiaNur · 12/02/2020 16:12

I've been in a similar situation. Husband travelled abroad but baby arrived later so it was okay.

I think it's great he'll be within travel distance and your mum can stay with you. I totally understand the feeling of missing out though.

nachthexe · 12/02/2020 16:12

Yeah he went off to the south coast when we were living in Glasgow. Had two toddlers so I got his mum to come and stay until he was back (in case needed childcare) and then a changeover day when my mum arrived. Covered off about 2 weeks just in case. In the end he was back and I went into labour on the changeover day (due date). Baby was brain damaged so when my mum went home his came back to look after the toddlers so we could go in and out of the hospital. (I stayed in for a week, she was in scbu for another 5 weeks). We only did it for childcare really - when I was pg with dc1 we just made an assumption that wherever he was, he would be able to get back in time as first labour’s aren’t usually super fast. In the end, they decided I would have a CS the next day so there was no surprise labour anyway.

lifecouldbeadream · 12/02/2020 16:12

Ah hell, that’d be a hard no from me. If you go early- or need him in a hurry you’ve no chance.

Will work pay for the next course running afterward?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/02/2020 16:15

I was 12 days late for my first - could you go with and pay a supplement to be in the hotel room too?

Crunchymum · 12/02/2020 16:20

@titchy

Can you back up your claim about first baby statistically likely to be early?

I wouldn't be happy about it OP - and I was 9 days over with DC1 !

Original poster
PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 16:21

@nachthexe ah that sounds so difficult, I'm glad he was back in time xxx I hope you're all doing well now. Good point about the long labours my Mum was 3 days with me lol.

@lifecouldbeadream the last time they did something like this was years ago, have to assume it's a one off.

@AsiaNur being in the country is a big positive and I'm sure some people have to do London commutes on the regular for work so maybe not such a big deal.

@titchy I'll keep my fimgers and my legs crossed I guess lol

OP posts:
lightyearsahead · 12/02/2020 16:23

Get your mum to come and stay and if he needs to get back in an emergency he can. I don't think life should stop for an impending birth.

Katinski · 12/02/2020 16:24

You asked if anyone had been in that situation - yes, me. OH worked in Aviation, we were based in Rome and his territory included all of southern europe and north Africa. I was near end of term and, predictably (!) an aircraft fell out of the sky somewhere, and he was off.
When my labour pains started I walked to the Clinic I'd been booked into, 4 hours later our son was born.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!
All the best.

lightyearsahead · 12/02/2020 16:27

Apologies, that sounded a bit harsher than I intended.
Of course the birth of your baby is important but the chances are you will be later and if you do go into labour he is going to have to get back pronto!

HoldMyLobster · 12/02/2020 16:29

Has anybody been in a similar situation, did you cope?

When I was pregnant with my first, DH lived/worked in London and I lived 2 hours drive/train away.

If I'd showed any signs of going into labour he'd have come ASAP. As it turned out I was quite ill in the last 3 weeks, and ended up being induced on my due date, so he was able to plan to be there that day. He worked in London till the day before.

Original poster
PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 16:31

Haha no worries I think I'll be alright once I've got a plan in place xxx its humbling hearing over peoples experiences too. X Mine doesn't seem half as bad.

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 12/02/2020 16:31

I am going to answer your question slightly differently - the week before your baby is due is the last time in your life you won't have a dependant ie your child. Once your baby arrives your whole world chances. So actually maybe you will enjoy just having lots of time to yourself and can see friends etc and do more nesting.

Or maybe you want that time together. Which is ok to stay to him so before he goes you make some memories together.

My waters broke ahead of my labour starting so we had this special 24 hours where it was just us knowing the baby would come soon and made memories that day before the world changed completely.

I hope that makes sense?

Name739017 · 12/02/2020 16:31

My husband was working 5 hours away (military) and due to finish that job 15 days after my due date. In the end I was induced on his last day of work so he was home in time. And she didn’t arrive until 12 hours later anyway. I had a doula just in case (if we have another one I would hire her again regardless of whether my husband was going to be around as she was brilliant).

tobee · 12/02/2020 16:31

I think this is such a personal decision.

My Dh was working 2 and 1/2 hours away when I went into labour with dc1. Only one day before due date. This was in the days before mobile phones.

I was lucky because my mum could stay with me when I felt labour was beginning. And it was in the late evening. By the time I was considering going into hospital it was early morning and we phoned dh's hotel and he drove back to be with me. A large amount of the work he was doing revolved around him and stuff costing money had to be cancelled.

However, it's more important how you feel.

DesLynamsMoustache · 12/02/2020 16:34

I wouldn't have been happy about it, particularly being at the mercy of public transport to get back if needed. But I don't think DH would have wanted to go either that close, just in case. He made sure to stay close and with phone always on in those last couple of weeks!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 12/02/2020 16:39

DH went away for 7mintbs when was 12 weeks pregnant- got back when she was 2 weeks old. Short term it was hard,ong term it hasn't mattered. He has a brilliant relationship with both DDs, despite his frequent trips away.

When I was pregnant people kept telling me I wouldn't go into labour until he returned.
But she appeared on her due date. My Mum was staying with me so I did have help with DD1 (who was a toddler back then)

7 days, 3hrs away... I would have no problems with. To me that's close by though. If you need him, tell him, there's no shame in it.

titchy · 12/02/2020 16:57

If baby is early would he be happy to leave a day old baby, or a labouring you? If not would those paying for the course mind if he cancelled at the last second?

Ohfrigginghellers · 12/02/2020 17:00

As someone who has had 2 children that both came early I would say no to this sorry

peanutbutterandfluff · 12/02/2020 17:19

No way, and this is coming from someone whose baby came 8 days late with plenty of warning (4 days in early labour).

FriedasCarLoad · 12/02/2020 17:30

Sorry but statistically you're baby is likely to arrive early

No, late is more likely.

and he'd be missing the first few days.

Presumably the plan would be for him to head home the minute you went into labour? If so, he'd likely be there for most of the labour, let alone the first few days. First babies usually take a while!

Having said that, I think you need to be honest about how worried you are.

fishonabicycle · 12/02/2020 17:51

First babies generally are late and don't pop out in seconds! You should have plenty of warning x

Elfranko · 12/02/2020 17:55

Not the same but me and my partner didn't live together. I started contractions around two in the morning and did not phone him to come until about 7 anyway. I could have left it longer but knew he would be up. Most people I know first time had quite a slow labour so I wouldnt worry too much there may be plenty of time for him to get back

Jingers5 · 12/02/2020 17:58

I read before that only 10 % of babies are born on their due date. 1st labours are unlikely to be quick so l am sure that your partner will have plenty of time to get to you. Use your mat leave to rest as much as you can. Best of luck when the time comes 😁

MoonahStone · 12/02/2020 18:10

Would there be any fall out at work for him if he needed to cancel going on the writers course say 4 weeks before? You don't know how you'll be feeling or if you have any need of extra medical care in your last weeks of pregnancy.

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