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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband away until 3 days before birth

52 replies

PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 16:05

Just some advice and support really,

We work in a creative industry and my husband has been given a really great opportunity to attend a writers course paid for by work in London. Its a week long retreat a couple of months from now Wednesday to Wednesday but I'm due to give birth on the Saturday. We live South of Manchester so he'll be about 3hrs away at best in an emergency dependent on trains etc.

I've told him to go for it and being super supportive but deep down I'm frightened to death, I know if I said don't go he wouldn't and wouldn't be resentful either he knows the timings crap but I don't want him to miss out (I'd love to have this opportunity myself!)

This is my first pregnancy so I guess I'm just looking for some emotional support, I don't think I can tell my husband my concerns as I don't want to put him off going (I don't want to cry in front of him). I'm also going to be on mat leave by then and the thought of being 39 weeks pregnant rattling around the house on my own makes me feel a bit weepy. ( I guess I'm also a bit jealous he'll be in a hotel getting dinners paid for and basically having a bit of lovely holiday with work friends in some ways)

I don't have any family nearby but my Mum would probably come and stay with me. X

Has anybody been in a similar situation, did you cope?

OP posts:

Original poster

PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 18:17

@FriedasCarLoad yes he would come home immediately, work know the situation so no problem abandoning the course or letting someone else take his place last minute. Xxx

I guess there might be a problem if I go into Labour at night as he may need to wait till next morning for a train. X

OP posts:

Almostfifty · 12/02/2020 18:18

My first was five days early. Would he come home if you were in labour? If so, that would probably be ok, if not, I'd get him to postpone it.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 12/02/2020 18:26

Both of mine came earlier (went into labour with dc1 at 38+4) but I'd still tell him to go.

Of my friendship group, I'm the only person apart from the elective sections who had a term baby who hasn't been 40 weeks pregnant.

lunar1 · 12/02/2020 18:27

If your pregnancy isn't high risk you could go with him. But that is very personal choice if you are happy giving birth in an unknown hospital. I had to move house a week before my due date. I'd only been in the new city three days when ds1 was born.

fedupandlookingforchange · 12/02/2020 18:30

This website has some interesting statistics spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate3.php
I would let him go if your mother had her babies post 40 weeks. I told mine to go to a remote place to work for a day (it would have taken 3 hours to get in touch with him and for him to get to me) in the hope it would speed things up, it didn't.

Imserious · 12/02/2020 18:34

My husband was sent to Iraq January 2003 my DD was born March 2003 a few days after war started he rang me (a reporter from sky news let him borrow phone) I told him I had had DD 2 days b4 he had no idea. He then came home 6 weeks later and let his DD then.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2020 18:38

I would let him go.

How likely is it that the opportunity will come up again? If it did, you'd have the dilemma of being left alone with a baby/small child.

He's "only" 3 hours away. Often there is more warning than that from first twinge to baby (although obviously some people give birth quicker than others!)

mantarays · 12/02/2020 18:41

I would feel like saying no, but as my first labour was four days in duration I would probably go along with it now, knowing 3 hours isn’t much in the grand scheme. But if you’re not comfortable tell him he can’t go.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 12/02/2020 18:45

I guess there might be a problem if I go into Labour at night as he may need to wait till next morning for a train

If I was in your position I'd say I was happy for him to go but only if he drives to the retreat. That way if you do go into labour he can simply throw some stuff in a bag and come straight home. With public transport there are too many variables to confidently say "he could be home in three hours".

jakeyboy1 · 12/02/2020 18:46

I banned my husband from going more than an hour away for the last 2 weeks 🙈 he works in London a lot m, we are in the midlands. He was fine with it as he didn't want to miss it!

There will be other courses, only one firstborn.

wibdib · 12/02/2020 18:48

Op could you do something like hire a doula to support you?

With ds1 dh was in hospital for a few days before ds was born (unexpected emergency admittance) and as he had only been out a day when I needed to be induced (different hospital) and he was still really ill, my mum and sis came to help. I ended up feeling really uncomfortable with them there; not surprised in hindsight that nothing happened for ages then the baby arrived when dh got there after mum and sis had gone...

With ds2 I hired a doula as we didn’t know what dh would be doing or if he would be up to it or looking after ds. She was fab - completely professional - would have used her again if I had another child. Felt so much better than having mum and sis there although I could never tell them that! Dh was also there at the birth and she was able to support him too (obviously once I was ok!) but knowing there was someone who I could call to come with me to the last appointments and support me (consultant was trying to send me home, midwives we’re rushing around as it was a fast birth and they were worried the baby would arrive before the wheelchair arrived to take me up to the delivery ward - it was great having an advocate who knew the place and could stick up for me, help get started breastfeeding, answer all those silly questions etc etc.

So if I was in your position I would see if I could get help from a doula too just in case the timings didn’t work so you wouldn’t be left on your own.

WinterCat · 12/02/2020 18:49

My DH worked away Monday to Friday in the build up to me having DC1 and it would have taken him around four hours on clear roads to get home (once I got hold of him since his office often has no signal). My waters went early in the morning on a Saturday at 38 weeks. He was home but I was in labour all day, so he would’ve been back in time. I was told that lots of women seem to have an element of control over labour as too many to be coincidental go into spontaneous labour when their partner is home (in cases where the partner works away).

firstimemamma · 12/02/2020 19:09

I can't remember the exact statistic but the majority of babies do arrive late so the previous poster was incorrect.

Having said that I'd still get your husband to cancel as you really do never know. My friend's first came at 37 weeks and it was a very quick labour.

Good luck whatever you decide.

DelphicOracle · 12/02/2020 19:17

Both my 2 were early . DS (1st baby) was 6 days early... DD 15 months later was almost 2 weeks early ... I obviously cook my babies fast ... but .... 1st Labour 37 hours / 2nd was 17 so both although early, would have given PLENTY of time for someone to get to me ....

cringyminge · 12/02/2020 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

KittenVsBox · 12/02/2020 19:31

Any way he can drive so can come back at any point?
No way DH would have made it back from London for my labour- the whole thing was 2.5 hrs, on my due date.
You need a back up plan incase you go into labour while he is away (I said no travel for DH after 37 weeks, and refused to travel for work past 30 - they still asked me to go to France at 35 weeks......)

Original poster

PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 19:34

Thankyou for your advice everyone x also found out it's Wednesday to Monday so 2 days earlier than originally thought (probably me mishearing, baby brain), also also the last lecture finishes 7:30pm on Sunday so I've told him to get the last train back at 8:30pm that night (Euston station is only 1.5 miles from the venue so he can walk it) instead of coming back Monday morning.

I feel alot better about it now thankyou, I did consider going with him like some people mentioned but the idea of giving birth and being stuck in London potentially for days or longer if theres complications is even more terrifying. Also I'd be stuck on my own 10 hrs a day whilst hes at the seminar, I could meet up with some friends and catch up but I reckon at 39 weeks pregnant I won't be too in the mood. Lol

I'll also look into to the Doula! Thankyou everyone for all your advice xxx

OP posts:

DivGirl · 12/02/2020 19:43

I lived apart from DP for DS and the plan was to go stay with him around my due date because he lived very close to the hospital (I was about a 20 minute drive away). As it happened I got snowed in to my house for my due date, got an Uber to hospital (eventually, after about 4 hours of drivers cancelling - I did try to dig my car out but it was entirely pointless because the snow was so heavy).

DP walked to the hospital and met me there. Baby was born on his due date.

It feels horrible and scary now but if you go in to labour while he's away you'll cope with it because you have to. And he'll either make it in time for the birth or he won't. Either way you will be fine! Women have been giving birth without the man there for centuries (and as nice as it was having DP there he was absolutely no help at all - next time he can babysit our toddler and I'll just go it alone with the midwife).

vixb1 · 12/02/2020 19:52

I'd be ok with him going but I think I'd ask him to drive, so that if anything did happen he can get straight in the car and drive back? That way he's not loosing time hanging around for the next train if he does need to dash back?

4yearsnosleep · 12/02/2020 20:26

My husband was 3 hours away when I was 4 days overdue. He travelled back when I was 6cm dilated and got back just as I started pushing he's 3 hours away and if he needs to travel back because contractions start, you'll be fine. Just have a buddy to be there for you until he arrives

Original poster

PrinnyPree · 12/02/2020 20:26

@vixb1 I think I'd worry about him panic driving (it's a 4 hour drive too) also we only have 1 car between us (since we are walking distance to work) and I might need it myself.

@DivGirl oh that was shit luck! Could you not have got an ambulance instead of an uber in that situation? Xxx

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 12/02/2020 21:06

Trains to Manchester start very early in the morning and most first babies take at least 12 hours to arrive. If he's able to ditch the course without work being annoyed then it's possible, if you feel ok with that. Also, you may enjoy several days off lying around in peace and quiet, sleeping whenever you want.
But if you want him at home, that's also ok.

CaptainMerica · 12/02/2020 21:51

My DH wanted to go to a gig 3 hours away the day before my due date, and I just burst into tears every time he mentioned it. It seems ridiculous, looking back. To be fair I had no family or friends (or the hospital, for that matter) within an hours drive.

He dropped it, and in the end, by the time that date came round, our baby had been born, had surgery, spent weeks in hospital and we were sufficiently settled back home that he got a last minute ticket and i was totally happy with it.

I personally not let my work pay for something that was so likely to be cancelled though. Surely there are other dates the course runs on?

HelenaJustina · 12/02/2020 21:58

Glad you’ve got a plan and are happier.

DH flew out of the country on my due date with DC4. But I take a while to labour and the previous 3 had all been late so I was fairly safe! He was back for the birth but it was a fortnightly trip, so he left again when the baby was 4 days old.

Lancs84 · 12/02/2020 22:09

My husband was away (military) with no access to phone - if I had gone into labour I would have had to have gone through official comms in order to have got hold of him. My mum came and stayed, and my waters broke the morning after he got home, so I totally believe there is truth in what a PP said about potentially having control over when labour starts!

I’d say to him go, but if you start having twinges to come back straight away. Best of luck!

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