to help me understand friend with chronic fatigue

[dairyfairies]

not goady, I just have noone to ask. I have a friend with chronic fatigue. She is talking about nothing else. Every single conversation is about her condition and how she is exhausted. My friend had to give up work recently as she feels too exhausted all the time. I don't want to cut her off as she has been a good friend in the past but the constant, nearly non-stop talking about her condition is wearing me out (no pun intended).

Does anybody have any advice as to handle it? I know it must be hard to feel constantly tired but she has also good phases e.g. she went to Thailand and Spain last year on holiday, is going out/partying regularly... she has a pretty full on social life with meeting friends, going for lunches, shopping. I know it's probably still much harder energy wise for her to do these than for someone without chronic fatigue but it's not all shit at all time. or maybe it is.

It's just the constant harping on about it. whether we meet, talk on the phone or messages. I just cannot hear it anymore.

For context: I have a severely disabled child for which I had to give up work. My life is shit and tough on so many levels - I don't even get 'breaks' like my friend does (I am not jealous btw). just saying it to make the point that my life isn't exactly a bed of roses but I just have accepted it and don't go harping on about it every time we meet up.

I don't want to lose the friendship but I feel I have to withdraw as I just don't know how to handy the talking about her condition anymore.

any advice is welcome (and yes, I know chronic fatigue is real, I know she is not well, but this is not what I am asking).

I get it OP.

I have this myself and have attended various groups etc and I leave feeling utterly drained by them. Everyone always seems woe is me. I'm not saying I don't/haven't suffered and I've lost many friends, but being around people who constantly moan is very draining even when you suffer with it and understand how they are feeling!

At least you try to understand it. Very few people in my life ever have. Maybe change the subject each time?

It might become more equitable if you can both have a moan.

impossible to have a moan myself and in all fairness, I would like to talk about something which doesn't cover ill health/caring/disability once in a while. I have my fair bit of crap going on but that is my life, I don't need to have it domineering every single convo.

maybe I am unreasonable. it's just becoming suffocating.

YANBU

A friendship can't be one sided and all about one person. That is not much of a friendship. She could take the time to listen to you and ask about your life - that shouldn't be too taxing for her should it?

Maybe she doesn't realise that she does it, maybe she does realise but doesn't care about you. Who knows.

I think the next time she won't listen to you and redirects it back to herself and her illness maybe point it out to her. You can say it in a sensitive way.

TBH, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. I don't think I would bother for much longer if she doesn't acknowledge that friendship is a two way thing.

Hi, I haven't read every post so apologies if I've missed something important.

I have a child with ME and I found that I spoke most about it to the people I felt least understood it. My child was very young when he was first diagnosed and previously supportive family really backed off when it became clear that it was a long term condition (they're not very good at long term support tbh).
I found myself talking about it every single time I spoke to my mother - who was clearly very bored with the whole thing after a while - until I realised that I was trying to get her to understand and offer support. Is there a chance that your frustration is obvious to your friend?
Chronic illness is very isolating so she may also see you as an outlet.

It would be harsh to cut her off completely but perhaps, for your own sake, you could cut back on the number of times you're in contact each week?

Ah so your DC cost you 'most of your friends' and marriage but, at the time, she stuck by you? Is that correct?

I am sorry for both of you and maybe you should support each other together?

Also, and I'm not judging, would you feel the same way if it were another illness? ME/CFS is a serious, debilitating illness but even when people say they understand they often think of it like a minor illness. It really isn't.

I can't vote on a laptop for some reason, but I think YABU

I have chronic fatigue, have seen loads of consultants but the only diagnosis I've been given is 'Chronic pain disorder', which doesn't really have much information to go with it.

I honestly get fed up of talking about it myself, but despite planning activities, there's often nothing else going on in my life to talk about. One friend became very distant with me, and I honestly think it's because I'm just no fun any more. Even getting on a train and going to see her - which I used to do without any thought - is a big deal, because I walk so slowly and I'm so tired by the time I get there, because even sitting in a train makes me ache.

I can't think of any way to improve things, unless you can find other things to talk about, even if it's reading the same book or watching the same film or series?

YANBU. I have chronic fatigue as a result of my health conditions. Harping on about my illness is boring. I do talk about it with select people but I make sure I don’t one up people. My friend has a very stressful job and works 12/13 hour days. I listen to her vent and don’t interrupt when she’s having a hard day just because my life is rubbish due to my poor health.

Your friend sounds very self absorbed and I’m sorry you’re also having a tough time. Hope you have other people to be there for you.

What's she like if you talk about other subjects altogether, eg: Trump, the weather, EastEnders, some new jewellery, etc etc?

I mentioned her new haircut - she needed this due to hair loss which is part of her condition/or medication

She had a lovely knitted new scarf last week and I ask where it was from - well, she feels often cold due to her ill health so really needed a new warm scarf

I mention the sunshine - well, that's a shame cause she is too tired for a walk in the park and cannot enjoy it

I mention the rain/cold - well, that makes her feel even more tired

I mention coronavirus - well, she cannot remember much from the news due to her brain fog.

I got new earrings which she complimented me on but sadly, she cannot wear such things due to various metal allergies.

Its all a boomerang

YANBU. I suffer with something similar and have horrible fatigue but it is SO draining having to hear others suffering moaning day in, day out. What does she do if you change the subject?

Has the friend never listened to your many worries OP? Marriage break up/child with difficulties etc. Does she simply NOT listen to you and never has?

In that case, it is not a friendship.

But do consider if she has done this in the past and has been there for you and you were similarly self absorbed.

My Dsis does this and it is maddening and a very unattractive quality. 'Excuse me, I have listened to you for 2 years about XYZ, now I have a problem, as is life' is what I feel like saying when she cuts me off, abruptly ends a call. Making me feel more like shit when I need to talk about something.

I’m going to be blunt.

You don’t need to understand CFS any more than you already do. The problem here isn’t that you don’t under her condition, or don’t make allowances for it. You do. The problem here is that she’s being a shitty, selfish friend.

I also have children with additional needs. My life is hard. I have a friend with health conditions. Her life is hard. We each moan. We each understand when one needs more space than the other to do so. We each understand when one might go a bit quiet for a while. We never, ever turn each problem the other has round round to ourselves and do competitive “yeah, but my life’s shitter” like your friend is doing. We each respect the fact that we each have our own struggles and respect that they are equally difficult in their own way.

Your problem is going to come in tackling this because she is being a shitty friend about a sensitive subject, and if you choose to try to tackle her about it you’ll need to be very careful to avoid coming off looking like the bad guy.

Well it's clear you don't like her frankly, so end the friendship.

@NBSW CFS is not just being tired

Oh, and YANBU about not wanting every conversation dominated by disability/caring/hardship either. My friend and I get our moans out of the way up front then move on to telly, general chat, people we know, news, family, where did you get that top, work, future plans, gossip - all sorts really. If it ever gets one-sided the other pulls themselves up and apologises!

I think the basic issue is that she has reduced "spoons" due to CFS - BUT you also have reduced "spoons" due to being a single parent with a disabled child. At present it seems that she is using up some of your "spoons" everytime you see her with her moaning - and lack of empathy.

Lots of parents with disabled children end up with health issues themselves due to the pressures. Have you had help applying for and appealing for benefits?

I have problems with elderly parents needing care. So do my oldest friends. But we handle it differently.

When I go out to socialise with them, I want to escape my stressors. When they meet me they see it as an opportunity to share their stress. So I was coming away from our lunches etc, feeling drained and miserable, instead of having a nice couple of hours away from it all.

Anyway, at the end of one of these depressing sessions (where I'd tried and failed to change the subject many times) I said that next time we met , we weren't going to talk about any of this. That we should have a few hours break from the subject. And when we did next meet, I reminded them. It was quite a bit better, though they still occasionally lapsed.

Maybe you could try to say something similar? But if she still doesn't get it, I'm afraid I'd just stop seeing her. It sounds as though you have more than enough on your plate without a friend who's emotionally draining.

Have you had help applying for and appealing for benefits?

thanks yes, I get a combi of DLA for DC, carers allowance and UC.

But if she has the energy to moan about it this extensively it feels off.

Oh, what a thing to be judged on. You can’t really be ill if you’ve got the energy to moan about it. FFS.

Some people just love talking about themselves the whole time, like they don't come up for air. Generally , they look mega annoyed , even angry to not to be the voice throughout (love the sound of their own voice).
I cared for someone with CFS, severely and mildly. Either she was too exhausted to discuss it or at other times, just couldn't be arsed. .

I know what you mean OP.

I have ME, have had for almost 40 years. I am sure I have hobby horses that drive other people mad. ME doesn't make me a saint, or even just a nice person.

Your friend sounds as though she would be a misery even without the CFS. One of those "Well my head fell off twice" people. She is, as others have said, one of those emotional vampires, her state of health has no bearing on that!

I'd like to add that ME / CFS doesn't strike everyone the same and doesn't even stay the same in one person's lifetime. Going backwards I currently run my own business, have worked as a teacher, went through uni, worked as a fitness instructor and lay in bed for 2 years. I have a diagnosis, have had since I was 19, confirmed when testing /dx procedures changed a decade or two ago. I expect at some point I will have to slow down again, but have a puppy, so am hoping it won't be any time soon

She's not being fair to you. That's what it boils down to. Friendship should give you both support and if it's one sided then it isn't friendship.