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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To prefer my in laws

29 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 12/02/2020 06:21

My own family of origin can be difficult. Divorced parents who never moved on. Brother and his wife quite demanding with expectations also.

I prefer my DH's family in many ways. Less demanding of me. More accepting, don't tell me what to do . In fact it's given me perspective on my own a bit

Over the years I have become closer to DH's parents but find on here most don't seem to get on with the in laws .

Is it just me or do any others find the parents in law easier than their own? His siblings are easier also

OP posts:

Wifeofbikerviking · 12/02/2020 06:24

I'm similar. My parents divorced and dad was spiteful until this day. Controlling and gets angry at the drop of a hat. My mum is uncaring and makes little to no effort and let me down as a child when I needed protecting from my stepdad.
My mil is understanding loving, an awesome nana to my child.

I used to make a lot of effort with my parents despite how they are but once I became a mother and as well as seeing how mil is with my husband and his siblings I've realised how rubbish they've been to me.

Wifeofbikerviking · 12/02/2020 06:25

My sister on the other hand is amazing. I'm LC with my parents

StylishMummy · 12/02/2020 06:25

I don't prefer my PIL but I do think the world of them, my BIL on the other hand, is a cunt

Toomanygerbils · 12/02/2020 06:27

OP, I always think family is about love and support rather than blood. My hubby has very little in the way of family yet if anything happened to me they would take care of him. To be honest I think they prefer him to me! Family are the people you want to spend your life with x

Villanelle92 · 12/02/2020 06:29

I’m in a similar boat. My own mum was dreadful, compulsive liar (lied about cancer, abuse, being pregnant) and was always horrible to both me and my siblings.

My own dad only became rubbish this year when I had my first DC. Just absolutely no effort at all, doesn’t even want to be called Grandad! Wasn’t bothered when I almost died in labour and hasn’t bothered since.

DPs family have been really amazing and have more than made up for any slack on my families side.

We are against the norm in liking our IL’s but there’s nothing wrong with it. Surround yourself with people who care and make you feel good, family shouldn’t feel uncomfortable and unfortunately it does with mine.

Toomanygerbils · 12/02/2020 06:29

Should of said “ My hubby has very little in the way of family yet if anything happened to me My family would take care of him”

missyoumuch · 12/02/2020 06:29

Not the case for me but a good friend of mine has a much better relationship with her in-laws than with her parents. Lots of unresolved issues with her own whereas her in-laws are very easygoing, supportive, and helpful hand-one grandparents.

Snaleandthewhail · 12/02/2020 06:36

My PIL, whilst irritating in their own ways, have been a lot more supportive, kinder and understanding than my parents.

meredithgrey1 · 12/02/2020 06:40

Yep I get along much better with ILs. When I first met DH I marvelled are the relationship he had with his parents - it was so easy and relaxed. My relationship with my parents is stressful as they are very judgemental, pushy and unfailingly negative.

MinnieMountain · 12/02/2020 06:41

Pretty much what Snaleandthewhale said. Both are much more involved GPs too, despite FIL living abroad.

Thehop · 12/02/2020 06:42

I prefer my in laws. I am Nc with my mum and brother.

user1493413286 · 12/02/2020 06:50

I love my mum but my relationship with my mil is much simpler than the complex dynamic I have with my mum. My DHs relationship with his mum is much more upfront than mine and it means there are less underlying resentments which makes things easier when we’re all together. So while when things are hard my instinct is to want my mum, I also find that at times I enjoy seeing my mil more.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 12/02/2020 06:53

I don’t think YABU but I would say that as I prefer my in-laws over my own parents and siblings for the most part. My in-laws treat my children (my partners stepchildren) like they are their own grandchildren. Never been asked to but they do.

Oysterbabe · 12/02/2020 06:56

Since my mum died my own family isn't that close anymore. We all do our own thing and rarely get together. It seems my mum was the one who pulled us all together. Plus I live 200 miles away from them all. My inlaws are really nice and have been tremendously helpful over the years with all kinds of things. They have recently bought a second home near us so that they can help with the children. It's important to them that they are close with their grandchildren. They absolutely love having them round and, now we have childcare, DH I have even started going out again 😱 I probably am closer with my inlaws now because I see them often and my children adore them.

KC225 · 12/02/2020 07:14

I think it's not about the norm of disliking inlaws on here, it's about love, kindness and respect you receive from your family. And if you getting that from in-laws over a difficult blood relatives than its only natural to turn in that direction.

To be fair, there are some shocking in-laws stories on here though. But every so often someone posts a 'who gets on with their MIL' and there are many positive responses.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 12/02/2020 07:40

Thank you for the comments, yes it is about kindness isn't it rather than 'blood' at times. As a mother of sons it is nice to think, maybe I won't be the "MIL from hell' in future, not if I can help it anyway! I can learn from my in laws who just seem to see me as another one of their own DC...

It's so lovely to have positive comments from them and refreshing, after judgement, criticism and blame.

OP posts:

Yeahnah2020 · 12/02/2020 08:46

No I think it can be completely normal. My husbands biological family are dysfunctional. He has never got on with his parents. They are a drain on society snd anyone in their vicinity. He loves my parents! They get on so well. I feel sad he’ll never have that relationship with his own parents

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 12/02/2020 09:00

I have heard someone say on another forum, if you have difficult parents yourself, having kind in laws can be a 'healing balm'

I'm finding that my good relationship with the in laws is not going down well in my birth family though! Even to the extent where they have tried to alter it, or comment on it in a negative way...maybe telling about by birth family to do that though!

OP posts:

EmiliaAirheart · 12/02/2020 09:04

I like my in-laws a lot and I am NC with some family members on my side, so I’m not talking from my own experience here. But I find the concept difficult to imagine because ultimately, your relationship with your in-laws exists because of your relationship with your partner. Their natural instinct, if pushed, would be to support your partner over you (assuming it’s not an egregious sin like abuse or something). You’re in their life for as long as you’re in your partner’s life, and if the relationship ends, your relationship with the in-laws is likely to drastically dial down too. Yes, I know that some of this may change depending if kids are involved, or the length of time you’ve been part of the family etc. The overriding point though is that in-law relationships often have an unspoken sense of conditionality which is comfortingly absent from relationships with your own family.

CakeandCustard28 · 12/02/2020 09:13

I’m similar I’m very close to most of my in laws. Sometimes they do my head in like all families but I prefer them to my actual family as I can be myself without worrying. (My family are middle class judgey snobs.)

lyralalala · 12/02/2020 09:56

My parents were abusive and neglectful. My Grandparents bought me up from 7. After my Nana's dementia diagnosis my MIL became like a Mum to me. She's respectful enough not to be over-bearing, but pitches in without any feeling of owing her or that she's trying to take over.

She lives with us now as FIL had to go into a care home a few years ago and died at Christmas. She has helped me be a better mother by being a damn good example. My Nana was as well, but she had a lot of different pressures.

My siblings I'm NC with as my eldest brother has gone down the same road as my father and the other two go along with him for a quiet life (apparently battering his wife is "between them" and "not our business"). DH's brother is the most easy going person I've ever met. It's changed slightly with him as his partner is a bit unrealistic and is very rude to MIL, but BIL is still around a lot.

I'm also lucky that DH's first MIL (he was a widower when we met) is also amazing. Despite the fact it must be incredibly difficult for her to watch me with her grandson she's been nothing, but supportive and kind.

Much preferable to my own shit family.

It says a lot about people in your family when they do that. My siblings hate my relationship with my in laws. As does my poisonous Aunt. It's no coincidence that the people who hate the fact my in laws love and support me, and give me confidence to be a stronger person, preferred me as a weak puppet they could bully

livingthegoodlife · 12/02/2020 09:57

I wish I could say the same. My parents are welcoming, helpful and there for me/us whenever we need them. My in-laws prioritise their church and others over family. They tolerate me but don't love me. They are not outright horrible but they have a different approach to life and that clashes.

saraclara · 12/02/2020 10:05

My in-laws were a huge bonus when I married. My own family members ranged from 'not having much in common', to abusive. Family life had nothing for me.

My hospitable and lovely in-laws welcomed me into their family from day one, and the day my MIL hugged me goodbye as I was leaving, and told me she loved me, I cried with happiness.

My husband and my FIL are now dead, and my MIL has very advanced dementia. But I'm close to my SIL and the extended in-laws, and see them as my family. My visits to my mum are brief, infrequent, and a duty.

Sakura7 · 12/02/2020 10:06

I agree OP, and I don't necessarily think that the majority of people hate their in-laws, we're just more likely to hear about the negative stuff.

I had a difficult childhood with incompetent (which is the kindest way I can put it) parents, and I've also had better relationships with my partner's parents. My ex's mum was like the mother I never had, and we're still in contact. My DP's mum is a lovely person but we haven't developed quite as close a bond yet, but I can't see any red flags for the future.

Not all parents are wonderful people, so it's natural that some of us will get on better with in-laws.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2020 10:11

We’re NC with DH parents and he adores mine who love and look after him and his children like they’re own, and have from day one. He’s been very ill recently with surgeries and several stays in hospital and my family have enveloped him and us with so much support. Because his own are so fucking dire he never takes kind relations for granted but it’s lovely to see their respect and support for him and our blended family. My DM was much closer to my dad’s mum, even after mum and dad divorced. She was lovely granny while mum’s mum was angry grandmother!

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