Sexually abused- wish I never told

[ElectricWatch]

Please forgive me if this is disjointed, it's difficult to write about and share with the world.

I am the youngest of 4 sisters. The oldest 2 are close in age and friendship, then we are 10 years younger.

Sister 1 married when I was 6 years old. He sexually abused me until I was 15 and I never told. I was aware he was handsy with sister 3, we used to joke about how he was a pervert and we didn't like him but never shared details.

Sister 1 has always been distant, while sister 2 was like a surrogate mother to us. Sister 1 lived in a bubble of her husband and son and I always felt she looked down on the rest of us. She would never get involved with family or show much interest.

At age 20 during a drunk conversation I attempted to tell sister 1, she asked me outright if I was saying her husband touched me inappropriately and I panicked and said no. We never spoke of this again.

I always put her being distant down to her being older, but as I got older I stated to realise it was her preference to not have a close relationship with us. The more I learned about abusers I started to believe perhaps he was manipulating her to keep her distance to protect his secret.

None of this has ever left me, I've spoken about this to sister 3 and we agreed to tell her once her son had finished his school exams as not to disrupt his life. I realized i was just using excuses to not tell. During the worst years of abuse her son was a toddler up to age 5 and was present during some of it, as it happened when I would sleep over to help look after him with her husband and my older sisters would be out for the night . I used to use him for protection. I used to tell him to get his dad off me or I'd go home, he would cry and hit his dad. Sometimes if he was asleep in bed I would wake him up knowing his tantrum would give me respite. I've always wondered how much of it he remembers. He's an adult now and has never let on and I would never ask. He worships his father and I dont want to destroy his life too.

In 2012 sister 3 started struggling with her mental health. We have never been close but she used me as a crutch and was extremely unstable. We spoke in a bit more detail and realised he was handsy with her and went much further with me. She was guilty that as she was older she could have spoke up and protected me too. It became too much for me, it brought up my own trauma and I couldn't carry us both. I decided to tell sister 2 as we needed help.

Sister 2 went into a deep depression. She wanted to confront him but I asked her to wait until our nephew had gone to uni. She was having great difficulty dealing with the news as she had no idea and loved him like a brother. Once I told her I felt able to tell my mother. I only told her that sister 3 was abused by him and didn't mention myself. She asked no questions as such and was extremely upset and she didn't speak to me about it again. Sister 2 and my mother would speak and it was revealed my mother was abused by her own father. It also came out that the husband touched sister 2s daughters inappropriately years ago. He has no access to children anymore luckily.

My actions of telling sister 2 opened up floodgates. Everyone was depressed and devastated. I decided not to tell sister 1 at that time as I could see the fallout and upset it had caused. I thought we all needed time to process everything so as a family we could support sister 1 when she found out.

As time went on we all stopped talking about it and it was rarely brought up. Sister 1 became even more distant and her son finished uni and moved out.

In 2017 it started creeping back into my thoughts and wouldn't leave. My very supportive partner encouraged me to speak up and over a few months I began to prepare what I would say and how.
Our father died after a short illness and as we were all grieving it was not the time to tell.

At the beginning of 2019 I decided I would try again. I spoke to sister 2 and 3 and it was decided I would tell her as 3 was too emotionally unstable. Over the months I would build up then back out several times, my physical and mental health suffering. It was hard to get sister 1 alone as she would always be with him,busy or have an excuse. Out of the blue my mother told me to get some counselling. It was the first time she spoke to me about this since 2012 and she shared a bit about her experiences. She told me not to tell sister 1 and i was devastated. I felt betrayed and unsupported. I went into a depression and for a few months didn't know myself.

Later in 2019 sister 3 said she would tell sister 1. She called her up late one night then told me 1 was coming to her house. I rushed over and sister 1 happened to pass me in the car on the way there. In the car she told me how sister 3 announced her husband abused her abruptly while on the phone. I burst into tears and couldn't speak, she said "I guess that means you too".
Sister 3 was very drunk and emotional not making much sense, quite accusative, bitter and upsetting 1. It was an attack, not how I imagined telling her. I wanted to let her know the details gently and as she was ready to hear. She panicked about the police and I explained we had no interest in going to the police as theres no evidence and i dont want to share my life with cops and lawyers and the courts, press etc.

I told her a little bit and she asked why we were telling her now and not 20 years ago when it was happening. I explained I tried to tell her that night aged 20, she remembered it and said she should have pressed me at the time. She said back then she would have left him in a heartbeat but they have a great relationship now and are very much in love. I told her she can stay with him and it doesnt matter to me I just needed to tell for my own health as the secret was making me Ill. The truth is I was scared and was telling her what she wanted to hear to make it easy for her as I was worried as I just destroyed her life. The thought of her living with that man breaks my heart. I explained I don't consider her responsibe for his actions at all, shes my sister and I love her and believe she has been manipulated by him which she didn't agree with.
She left and asked me not to tell her son. I explained I never would. She told us she needed time to think and we accepted that.

The next morning she phoned to ask me specific questions and wanted yes no answers. She basically asked how far he went and I explained not rape. There are many times he physically hurt me and would restrain me but I decided she can hear the worst later if she wanted to when it's all sunk in for her. A few days later I was in my mother's house quite upset and sister 1 turned up. She looked devastated to see me, cried for 5 minutes,spoke about how she would have to sell her house and how she cant survive on her income alone then left. My mother told me this is why she didn't want us to tell her. I left.

As the weeks went by I heard she confronted her husband and he denied everything and refused to leave the house. I went back into a depression and genuinely felt guilt at the level I had killed someone. My partner was amazing and my family non existent. I only spoke to sister 2 and she kept saying sister 1 was in a very bad way and cant talk to me. I accepted she needed time.

My partner took a job 4 hours away and insisted i came as I was probably not safe alone in that state. 4 months have passed and I have not heard from sister 1. My partner text sister 1 to say she needs to support me and everyone has forgotten that the victim in all this is me and 3, if the abuser was anyone else the family would be demanding police involvement and it's time as a family we all face up to this. I felt this was the first time anyone had ever advocated for me but my family took offence. I didn't hear from sister 1 but my mother and 2 told me to back off and give her space. I felt even worse.

My mother calls once a week to check I'm not going to kill myself and sister 2 has told me she no longer wants to be involved as it's not good for her health, shes switching off from it all. I explained I don't have the luxury of being able to switch off from it when its an inconvenience.
Sister 3 said shes fine with everything now and just wanted to get it off her chest, now that's done shes moving on with her life. I just can't seem to. The not knowing is killing me and I'm not allowed to bring it up. I've spent years worrying about the aftermath and I feel excluded and irrelevant. They make me feel like an antagonist but I need closure. As it is now she still lives in the house with him and that's all I know as nobody will speak about it. Sister 2 told me that 1 feels guilty and responsible, she cant look or speak to me as it's too painful for her.

I accidentally called sister 1 two weeks ago and never received a reply. There was no contact over Christmas. I wrote to sister 2 explaining how I'm struggling and being excluded is making things worse but received no reply.

I just had a conversation with sister 2 and she told me sister 1 had been suicidal and they kept it from me as not to add to my stress. She told me I have had years to come to terms with everything and for 1 its all new and she needs support. All I'm hearing is that my experience is irrelevant as it's so long ago but to me its all linked, how I feel in this moment is a part of how I felt 20 years ago while being abused by him. She told me if I had spoken up as a child then action would have been taken but I dont believe that. I knew way back then that it would be swept under the carpet and that's exactly what's happening now. As a child I was painfully shy, wouldn't wash or change my clothes, did not take care of my appearance and was a bed wetter until 15. I was very depressed and self harming, the teacher noticed and I concocted a lie that a friend died and the school arranged counselling. They informed my family, I did not tell the counsellor about the abuse. Sister 1 heard about it and questioned my self harming back then and I denied doing it. My mother never spoke about it to me. The counsellor told me I had issues with adult men and despite all this nobody thought there was anything going on with me. I decided one day I didn't want counselling anymore and it finished. I received no follow up from the school or my family.

I get my 'suicide check' call once a week from my mother but the moment I bring up all this shes off with me and makes me feel like the problem. I feel unsupported and want my family to acknowledge what happened to us. I think of teenage me and she knew all along that she wouldn't be supported by the family.

I've lost my sister and destroyed my whole family. I thought speaking up was supposed to be a good thing but it's only made things a 100 times worse. Where do I go from here?

Thank you for reading

I don’t know what to say. Didn’t want to read and run, someone will be along soon. You did the right thing but I think you might need to go to the authorities so he does this to no one else.
Sorry OP.

Wow that is a really tough scenario. Your fear to speak out has been so strong, that man obviously saw how quiet and shy you were and realised you'd be easy to manipulate. Is he still accepted by the rest of your family?
You should have been protected and you should have gone to the police years ago. The right course of action now is to go to the police because your 'uncle' could do this to others. It doesn't matter if there is no evidence, yours and sis 3's statements are enough to prosecute. Your family are not acting like adults, they are more concerned for how it is impacting on them now than addressing the real victims. Get the police involved now before any other children suffer at the hands of this man

for you. You've been through a horrific experience and have been horribly let down by your family. You are so strong to speak out. One thing I wanted to say is that you have NOT "destroyed your whole family". That sick, evil bastard did that when he made the decision to continuously abuse little girls. This is 100% his fault and everything that happens now his fault. You have done NOTHING wrong and you should hold your head up high and be proud at how you've coped. I don't really have any advice about where you can go to from here, but I wanted to send hugs and tell you that you have absolutely done the right thing by speaking out, even though it may not feel like it right now.

I am so so sorry about what's happened. Your DP sounds like an absolute hero and totally in your corner. You absolutely did the right thing.

Such a horrible situation OP. None of it is your fault; there were clues all along and someone should've picked up on it. I think you need to focus on yourself and your recovery with your lovely partner/ counselling and leave your family aside for now. Take control of the situation as it is by not expecting anything from your family - they should be there for you but unfortunately they aren't and you can only control how you deal with it, you can't control how they deal with it/ what their actions are. You were the victim in all this and although it's not nice for them either, you suffered the actual abuse. They should recognise and acknowledge this.

Keep talking on MN and perhaps confide in a close friend.

So sorry you are going through this

I can imagine how hard that must have been to write down .

This mess is not of your making. At every opportunity you have been making decisions to try and protect your family when they should have been protecting you. This is so, so backwards and I’m so terribly sorry that they can’t see it. It’s great that your partner is so supportive and sees the situation for how it is, but I understand how needing support and acknowledgement from your mum and sisters is also important and the difficulty is that this is totally out of your control (and I imagine that in itself is quite triggering for you).

Leaving aside the question of whether you report him to the authorities, you need to access MH support. With the right treatment you should be able to process your experiences so they feel less overwhelming and current, and come to terms with your family’s reaction. Are you able to afford a private therapist (not just a counselor but an experienced trauma therapist able to do EMDR, for example)? If not then a GP visit would be my next suggested step, as hard as it must be to think of disclosing to someone else given what has happened when you’ve told other people so far.

I’m sorry you’ve been so let down.

It is not your fault. It never was.
You need to stay close to your own DP who has your back and I think you should consider counselling again so you can shed the burden of responsibility you feel. Everyone seems to be in self-preservation mode while you feel isolated. None of this is right or fair but I think you need to accept that your eldest sister will probably not ever tell you what you need to hear or react how you want her too.
If you want justice then the police will take all historical abuse seriously. It would help the case if sisters or nieces corroborate but if not your DP sounds supportive.

You have not destroyed your family.

You are not responsible for what happened to you as a child.

A lot of this sounds like it's your fault for speaking out / your fault for how people responded, you know what- f*ck them! They will deal with themselves, you've been through a massive massive trauma and you are entitled to speak out. There is no right/ wrong way to deal with this- you cannot help how it's come out over the years.

You have amazing strength to have dealt with the abuse AND then the responses from your mum/ sisters. They aren't ready to move on and want to pretend all is ok but your (bloody good for you) are ready to process this as you have been.

You sound so strong, well done you.
You are a survivor even though it may not feel this way.

Remember people process in their own ways and sisters and mum May feel bad for not protecting you so now have to cope by blocking it out. Let them be. You can only help yourself right now. Do not feel bad for anyone- I truly believe speaking out was the correct thing to do. You've done nothing wrong.

Moving on, I suggest finding a good experienced therapist in this area who can give long term therapy. Don't waste time with short term/ 8 sessions offered as that won't be enough and all that will essentially do is what mum and sisters have done and listen then close you down.

You've been through all that and you're able to be strong enough to share.

To many people this post will be inspirational so well done again.

I don't want to read and run but I believe that you have done the right thing. Your and 3 are the victims. Your BIL is an evil abuser.

This man has abused you, your sister, and your two nieces. Which other children has he been near?

The damage is done to the family by him and bits being brought out in the open.
Your mum is possibly struggling with what happened to her too.

I can't decide if cracking the whole thing open and going to the police is the right or wrong thing for you to do.

How do you feel about it, it would at least get you listened to. Would 3 be willing to go with you? How old are 2s daughter? Would 2 be willing for them to speak?

At the very least you need proper counselling.

This from Mrs P:-
Moving on, I suggest finding a good experienced therapist in this area who can give long term therapy. Don't waste time with short term/ 8 sessions offered as that won't be enough and all that will essentially do is what mum and sisters have done and listen then close you down.

The rest of her post too. You've been through so much and that man has caused untold trauma to most of the family. You need professional support.

Very best wishes .

Families are strange beasts. I would look into counselling for yourself and perhaps try to distance yourself from your family as their rejection is hurting you time and time again. You have already decided that you don't wish to report it to police. I think that's an ok decision. You need to be in a very strong place to be able to go through an investigation, and even if things go well, you'll have a court case. More often than not, the CPS won't even press charges. And that's hard to hear too.

You have to look at where you will most benefit in this scenario. I personally think that you will most benefit by going NC with your entire family. Or at least your mother. You're the messenger and you got shot. You're now being avoided as some sort of fucked up loon who's making shit up. That neither your Sister 1 nor your mother can deal with this is their problem. They didn't live it. They do want things to go back to normal.

You will get hurt and hurt and hurt over and over and over again, every time you know that Sister 1 remains with him.

So you need to protect yourself and you need to access counselling. Are you in a financial position to afford 50 quid a week? If not, you need to google charities for survivors of child sexual abuse in your area. They often have incredibly long waiting lists (6 months - 2 years!).

The important thing for you now is to focus on the fact that you're doing ok. You say you have a partner. You survived this. Now is time for you to realise that you were right not to have spoken up as a child, as it wouldn't have been dealt with the either.

This is why I've never disclosed to my wider family. I told my mother when I was mid 20s and was shut down. The hurt was a stab to the heart.
I've had a LOT of therapy and spoken to a couple of trusted friends as an adult. One had been through the same thing.
You have not ruined your family. He did that.
Sending you warm thoughts and hoping you can get MH support. You need and deserve it
None of this - the abuse or this mess - is your fault. None of it.

I am always horrified when I hear of how some families react to being told of abuse - it is so counter intuitive to those of us outside the situation who can see the devastation wreaked on the victim. The very fact that you have acted as protector of everyone in your family when you were not protected yourself is beyond belief.

The strength you have shown time & again over the years is testament to your courage in spite of them. To be shut down or unsupported after disclosing this abuse must feel like the ultimate betrayal by those who seem to show some fucked up, misplaced loyalties. I don't think you will ever know why, and I hope you come to know that this dynamic is what has given space for this burden of yours to grow. It was never yours to bear! It is incredibly upsetting to even be an anonymous witness to your pain - and to hear that your fears of this fracturing your family appear to have come true. But you did not do that - your abuser did. And, without apportioning more blame, your DM & sisters did that too.

One PP mentioned not having expectations of your DM & DSisters and that jumped out to me as something of huge importance. We would all expect them to react differently, it seems cruel & abnormal to act in the ways they have. But I'm afraid I agree that holding on to any expectations of them otherwise will only serve to further disappoint you. I'm disgusted to think about their lack of support for you.

I would never try to suggest a course of action to you, but wanted to give you an idea of how going low contact or no contact with family could help you. I felt for years that I had to just accept the dynamic of my family, and then felt pushed beyond my limits. I cut contact & now only exchange b'day & Xmas cards. It has given me space to set aside my rage & this perpetual feeling that justice has never been served. It seems so unnatural to take this step, but it is how I have managed to advocate for myself & keep safe from their toxic shit.

I can only wish that you find support to heal from your abuse and that one day you might find a place of peace. Your DP seems a safe haven in perhaps beginning to build on that. I was able to access my local trauma team and found their support to be invaluable - I agree that long term psychodynamic therapy is much more suited to working on such horrific trauma & I hope that is something you feel able to pursue.

I commend you for sharing your experience.

So sorry that your dysfunctional family have frozen you out. You must feel like that isolated little 6 year old again. As others have said, get yourself some therapy, it really will help you come to terms with what happened then and what is happening now. Let your family go for now and get your thoughts together. And give yourself a hug for surviving - you are a strong woman. 💐

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would recommend speaking to your GP and seeking more counselling to process all of this. The dynamics in your family sound very toxic and some distance from them would be good for you. What are you getting from the weekly call from your mother? It sounds like suits her needs only but creates more pain for you. You are not just a character in their lives but a person in your own right. If you want to go to the police then do it. You can break the cycle of abuse by refusing to ignore like they do.

I can’t help but feel that by sister2 taking a step back from all this, she is failing her own children who have also been abused by this man.

You have not done anything wrong. You have been an amazing support to sister 3 at a time when you’ve needed support. Your family have treated you appallingly.

Until this man is dead, he remains a risk. I would urge you to think again about going to authorities. What if your nephew has children? Would sister1 be fine with her husband being around grandchildren he could go on to abuse?

Wow - that is a lot to go through and I am so sorry.

You are courageous to face this and I am glad you have your DH in your corner.

In terms of where to go from here, I think you would be wise to print out your thread and go to your GP and ask them to read it, and see if there are local services to whom you could be referred. If you are able to schedule it, perhaps ask you DH to come with you to the appointment.

What is available on the NHS varies by postcode, so if you draw a blank there then come back here and there will be other suggestions. In my view before doing anything else you are going to need support for yourself and/or for you and your DP as a couple. It's a massive thing to be processing.

It may or may not have occurred to you but it is reasonable to request that your mother stop calling you weekly if you are finding that contact unhelpful; this need not be a permanent decision.

You wrote I feel unsupported and want my family to acknowledge what happened to us. I think of teenage me and she knew all along that she wouldn't be supported by the family.

My story and your story are not the same; nonetheless I know this "want the family to acknowledge" though and I never got it; I probably never will. I wasn't supported as a teenager and I am not now. This reality is the hardest one to accept and I am not there yet. I have an excellent therapist, lots of professional input and support from many friends, and I do my best. It is possible to survive, flourish and heal despite what you have been through. Hang in there.

(There is an MN thread, the stately homes thread, which you might find helpful down the line, if only to realise that you are not alone when it comes to families not always being helpful.)

My first thought is ‘What is the matter with people?’ To shut you down like this is horrendous.

But then the other half of my brain kicked in and although still utterly horrendous to shut you down, there is a small rationale to this madness.

Your ds1 feels so guilty that it was her dh doing this to her sisters (possibly her ds too) She won’t want this discussed with her ds as she’ll be terrified it’s happenned to him too. I know the ds seems to adore his father but this is often the case with abused children.
Your mum is most probably torn right now and too has a lot to process. Although it seems she’s sided with your ds1 it’s pissibly because she finds it easier to deal with. Your mum had a duty of care to you and quite possibly feels she too let you down big time. Every time you express to your mum your distress, she automatically want to shut down because she simply just wants none of this to have happened and for it all to just go away.
You absolutely did the right thing. You’ve exposed a peodophile for what he actually is. You quite possibly have saved another child from his filthy hands and sick thoughts. You did that. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.
You are now an adult, as are your sisters and of course your mum. In a perfect world you’d have all pulled together in this and supported one another. But the reality is quite different. You haven’t all had the same experiences, the same traumas or the same perspectives and so each of you is dealing with the little bits you feel you can cope with.
I agree with other posters that a really good therapy for you is your ticket out of this pit of despair.
I am so glad you have a fantastic partner who clearly supports you whole heartedly.
I appreciate you’re going to find it difficult to visit your Gp and discuss this but maybe as a start you could give your Gp a copy of your post here. Take your partner with you for solid support. You’ll possibly leave the Gp surgery feeling exhausted and drained. You’ll be suffering from a whole range of concerns, ie, depression, anxiety, ptsd just to mention a few.
Sadly, you’ve been looking for support in the wrong area. Your family members are not equipped to help you. They obviously need to go in there own journey of processing things from their perspectives.
What I would like to stress to you is that you have done everything right. I know it feels so desperate right now but believe me when I say that you’ve already started your path to recovery.
You need professional help and you need it now. Only then will you be able to cope with going to the police. Sooner you get help, the sooner you will be able to protect even more children from this repulsive man. It isn’t your responsibility to protect other children but I’m thinking that it will go a long way in your healing process and how you feel about yourself.
Horrifically there are many abused children/adults who aren’t supported by there family. But you need to view your partner as your family. He loves you unconditionally. He sees you as a beautiful person who is not tainted or bringing something to the table which is poison. In time, maybe your sisters or mum will be able to process things more positively too. But you have got to put yourself first right now, today. You absolutely deserve it. Your other sisters seemingly have support from your mum but it’s not the right support. In time they will see this hopefully.
I’m so glad you came on here because not one of us is holding you responsible for any of this. We are right behind you and your lovely partner.

Dear OP. The youngest girl and treated like this.

I'm kind of speechless, yet unfortunately I know that in these scenarios between families/siblings, things can quickly go a way you didn't expect and that is deeply hurtful. And after what you've been through. It's unforgivable. But at the same time, all you want as need is for everyone to be ok with you and each other, and for your family life to be normal and kind and loving and to have Christmas interaction and feel loved as ever.

And now ... you've gone where you didn't dare, to bring this out ... and been effectively ghettoised.

Your husband sounds very supportive. You need really good counselling for a long term rehabilitation. And the family needs time. I'd keep them on hold for now, don't panic about them, and work out through counselling what you're going to do.

I'm so sorry 💐 Yes you were the victim, you were an innocent child and he not only abused you but also your family's trust in him. What he did to you was horrific and he is the person who's devastated his wife and her family. But they should all now be turning with love to you to care for you, and I'm so sorry they haven't. They can't cope is the simple answer. So let your husband and a counsellor help you xxxxx

I am so sorry you were treated so badly as a young person and now again as an adult. You have done nothing wrong. for you OP

There is a possibility sister 1 knew but didn't want to face up to it.
I would just cut contact with her and of course him. Talk to your therapist for help and support, your family is not up to it and have their own problems.
Nothing is your fault, you are the victim and it was the job of the adults to protect you. Lying or trying to minimize to keep a relationship with your sister is not a good solution, you are better off away from her.

I'm so sorry OP, this is not your fault.

The fact is that your bil is a prolific paedophile who has at the very least abused you, your sister and your niece. How many other children I wonder, but you, your sister and niece were easy target as were family. I've no doubt that on some level this has affected his son as well, and you don't know what kind of upbringing he had either.

You absolutely need professional help, with the support of a psychologist I think it would help to write down everything that he did to you. There would be evidence to prosecute him, especially as there are at least three of you it affected.

It is very hurtful that your family have tried to brush this under the carpet, and it's unbelievable that sister 1 has decided to stay with this scumbag despite him abusing three of her relatives. I wonder if she'll ever let him near her own grandchildren if she ever has any.

I agree with going to your gp with what you've written above to get some professional help.

I would definitely cut your mother and sister 1 from your life. Maybe talk to sister 3 again as ultimately I'm sure her poor mental health is as a result of this as well, you are both survivors in this.

But don't feel you have done the wrong thing, the only person who did wrong here was the bil, and paedophiles rely on a veil of secrecy to go on abusing. None of this is your fault and the people you told needed to know, but how they've responded falls very short.

I wish you the very best of luck OP.

I am so sorry. What a mess. Your family, all 5: the relationships between the 4 sisters and mum is clearly complex, not emotionally open, and is actually incredibly toxic. their inability to talk about any deep emotional issues are what got you all into this mess in the first place.

However, realistically you knew it was going to be like this. You knew they'd sweep it under the carpet.

You've told. You've done it. I can't see that the relationships ever really recovering. Did you honestly expect them to?

But, counselling for you right now, can you get this arranged ASAP? Will help you deal with all of this.

One thing is that no one knows how many other children this man has abused.
You really had to open out about it to protect them.

This post demonstrates clearly why people don't tell about abuse, the fact that the abused wait so long to tell is used as evidence that they
are making it up when in fact it is because the result of telling does not mean instant support and care from the rest of the family.

I can only think that long term counselling is the best way forward. I don't think sister 3 is really ok with it, she'll be as 'OK' you were while you kept the secret. These things come back to bite you.

Maybe your GP or the mental health support in the area can point you to the right support and counselling.

I am pretty disgusted they are blanking you. I would hope an experienced counsellor could help you deal with this.

I didn't want to read and run...

I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. It's awful, avoidable if the people that were suppose to protect you had and it's not fair.

I hope you can get some closure with a good psychologist and counselling.

All the best x