Please forgive me if this is disjointed, it's difficult to write about and share with the world.
I am the youngest of 4 sisters. The oldest 2 are close in age and friendship, then we are 10 years younger.
Sister 1 married when I was 6 years old. He sexually abused me until I was 15 and I never told. I was aware he was handsy with sister 3, we used to joke about how he was a pervert and we didn't like him but never shared details.
Sister 1 has always been distant, while sister 2 was like a surrogate mother to us. Sister 1 lived in a bubble of her husband and son and I always felt she looked down on the rest of us. She would never get involved with family or show much interest.
At age 20 during a drunk conversation I attempted to tell sister 1, she asked me outright if I was saying her husband touched me inappropriately and I panicked and said no. We never spoke of this again.
I always put her being distant down to her being older, but as I got older I stated to realise it was her preference to not have a close relationship with us. The more I learned about abusers I started to believe perhaps he was manipulating her to keep her distance to protect his secret.
None of this has ever left me, I've spoken about this to sister 3 and we agreed to tell her once her son had finished his school exams as not to disrupt his life. I realized i was just using excuses to not tell. During the worst years of abuse her son was a toddler up to age 5 and was present during some of it, as it happened when I would sleep over to help look after him with her husband and my older sisters would be out for the night . I used to use him for protection. I used to tell him to get his dad off me or I'd go home, he would cry and hit his dad. Sometimes if he was asleep in bed I would wake him up knowing his tantrum would give me respite. I've always wondered how much of it he remembers. He's an adult now and has never let on and I would never ask. He worships his father and I dont want to destroy his life too.
In 2012 sister 3 started struggling with her mental health. We have never been close but she used me as a crutch and was extremely unstable. We spoke in a bit more detail and realised he was handsy with her and went much further with me. She was guilty that as she was older she could have spoke up and protected me too. It became too much for me, it brought up my own trauma and I couldn't carry us both. I decided to tell sister 2 as we needed help.
Sister 2 went into a deep depression. She wanted to confront him but I asked her to wait until our nephew had gone to uni. She was having great difficulty dealing with the news as she had no idea and loved him like a brother. Once I told her I felt able to tell my mother. I only told her that sister 3 was abused by him and didn't mention myself. She asked no questions as such and was extremely upset and she didn't speak to me about it again. Sister 2 and my mother would speak and it was revealed my mother was abused by her own father. It also came out that the husband touched sister 2s daughters inappropriately years ago. He has no access to children anymore luckily.
My actions of telling sister 2 opened up floodgates. Everyone was depressed and devastated. I decided not to tell sister 1 at that time as I could see the fallout and upset it had caused. I thought we all needed time to process everything so as a family we could support sister 1 when she found out.
As time went on we all stopped talking about it and it was rarely brought up. Sister 1 became even more distant and her son finished uni and moved out.
In 2017 it started creeping back into my thoughts and wouldn't leave. My very supportive partner encouraged me to speak up and over a few months I began to prepare what I would say and how.
Our father died after a short illness and as we were all grieving it was not the time to tell.
At the beginning of 2019 I decided I would try again. I spoke to sister 2 and 3 and it was decided I would tell her as 3 was too emotionally unstable. Over the months I would build up then back out several times, my physical and mental health suffering. It was hard to get sister 1 alone as she would always be with him,busy or have an excuse. Out of the blue my mother told me to get some counselling. It was the first time she spoke to me about this since 2012 and she shared a bit about her experiences. She told me not to tell sister 1 and i was devastated. I felt betrayed and unsupported. I went into a depression and for a few months didn't know myself.
Later in 2019 sister 3 said she would tell sister 1. She called her up late one night then told me 1 was coming to her house. I rushed over and sister 1 happened to pass me in the car on the way there. In the car she told me how sister 3 announced her husband abused her abruptly while on the phone. I burst into tears and couldn't speak, she said "I guess that means you too".
Sister 3 was very drunk and emotional not making much sense, quite accusative, bitter and upsetting 1. It was an attack, not how I imagined telling her. I wanted to let her know the details gently and as she was ready to hear. She panicked about the police and I explained we had no interest in going to the police as theres no evidence and i dont want to share my life with cops and lawyers and the courts, press etc.
I told her a little bit and she asked why we were telling her now and not 20 years ago when it was happening. I explained I tried to tell her that night aged 20, she remembered it and said she should have pressed me at the time. She said back then she would have left him in a heartbeat but they have a great relationship now and are very much in love. I told her she can stay with him and it doesnt matter to me I just needed to tell for my own health as the secret was making me Ill. The truth is I was scared and was telling her what she wanted to hear to make it easy for her as I was worried as I just destroyed her life. The thought of her living with that man breaks my heart. I explained I don't consider her responsibe for his actions at all, shes my sister and I love her and believe she has been manipulated by him which she didn't agree with.
She left and asked me not to tell her son. I explained I never would. She told us she needed time to think and we accepted that.
The next morning she phoned to ask me specific questions and wanted yes no answers. She basically asked how far he went and I explained not rape. There are many times he physically hurt me and would restrain me but I decided she can hear the worst later if she wanted to when it's all sunk in for her. A few days later I was in my mother's house quite upset and sister 1 turned up. She looked devastated to see me, cried for 5 minutes,spoke about how she would have to sell her house and how she cant survive on her income alone then left. My mother told me this is why she didn't want us to tell her. I left.
As the weeks went by I heard she confronted her husband and he denied everything and refused to leave the house. I went back into a depression and genuinely felt guilt at the level I had killed someone. My partner was amazing and my family non existent. I only spoke to sister 2 and she kept saying sister 1 was in a very bad way and cant talk to me. I accepted she needed time.
My partner took a job 4 hours away and insisted i came as I was probably not safe alone in that state. 4 months have passed and I have not heard from sister 1. My partner text sister 1 to say she needs to support me and everyone has forgotten that the victim in all this is me and 3, if the abuser was anyone else the family would be demanding police involvement and it's time as a family we all face up to this. I felt this was the first time anyone had ever advocated for me but my family took offence. I didn't hear from sister 1 but my mother and 2 told me to back off and give her space. I felt even worse.
My mother calls once a week to check I'm not going to kill myself and sister 2 has told me she no longer wants to be involved as it's not good for her health, shes switching off from it all. I explained I don't have the luxury of being able to switch off from it when its an inconvenience.
Sister 3 said shes fine with everything now and just wanted to get it off her chest, now that's done shes moving on with her life. I just can't seem to. The not knowing is killing me and I'm not allowed to bring it up. I've spent years worrying about the aftermath and I feel excluded and irrelevant. They make me feel like an antagonist but I need closure. As it is now she still lives in the house with him and that's all I know as nobody will speak about it. Sister 2 told me that 1 feels guilty and responsible, she cant look or speak to me as it's too painful for her.
I accidentally called sister 1 two weeks ago and never received a reply. There was no contact over Christmas. I wrote to sister 2 explaining how I'm struggling and being excluded is making things worse but received no reply.
I just had a conversation with sister 2 and she told me sister 1 had been suicidal and they kept it from me as not to add to my stress. She told me I have had years to come to terms with everything and for 1 its all new and she needs support. All I'm hearing is that my experience is irrelevant as it's so long ago but to me its all linked, how I feel in this moment is a part of how I felt 20 years ago while being abused by him. She told me if I had spoken up as a child then action would have been taken but I dont believe that. I knew way back then that it would be swept under the carpet and that's exactly what's happening now. As a child I was painfully shy, wouldn't wash or change my clothes, did not take care of my appearance and was a bed wetter until 15. I was very depressed and self harming, the teacher noticed and I concocted a lie that a friend died and the school arranged counselling. They informed my family, I did not tell the counsellor about the abuse. Sister 1 heard about it and questioned my self harming back then and I denied doing it. My mother never spoke about it to me. The counsellor told me I had issues with adult men and despite all this nobody thought there was anything going on with me. I decided one day I didn't want counselling anymore and it finished. I received no follow up from the school or my family.
I get my 'suicide check' call once a week from my mother but the moment I bring up all this shes off with me and makes me feel like the problem. I feel unsupported and want my family to acknowledge what happened to us. I think of teenage me and she knew all along that she wouldn't be supported by the family.
I've lost my sister and destroyed my whole family. I thought speaking up was supposed to be a good thing but it's only made things a 100 times worse. Where do I go from here?
Thank you for reading