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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask how to make friends? I'm so lonely...

52 replies

eenymeenyminyme · 11/02/2020 10:10

My bestie lives over an hour away and I only get to see her a few times a year. We both have busy lives and finding time we're both free isn't easy, which is fine. Locally, I have one close friend who I see probably once a month. It's mostly me that does the arranging but she'll initiate contact sometimes so that's fine too.

Other than that, I have very few female friends. I'll see them if I make the effort to co-ordinate a meet up but I've really got fed up with being the only one doing the running especially as they're often too busy. They have families and I'm a single mum, which I suspect is part of the problem as we have less in common these days.

I'm so jealous of all these women who have groups of girl friends who they go out with, whether it's a coffee or a night out, and the feeling of loneliness as my teen DD has her own social life is starting to overwhelm me.

I have a DP who I see a couple of times a week and he's great, but I yearn for female company. How do I start from scratch though when everyone else seems to have these established groups, who I don't get invited to join?

Sorry, it's a bit 'poor me' but I would love to have a group of friends I can call on, or who more importantly would call me sometimes and ask me along! I go to parkrun and chat to people before and after and I'm thinking about joining some similar local groups but I just have a feeling that I'll end up making small talk with a few of them then they'll go back to their own groups and I'll feel even sadder.

How can I make new friends so I can stop feeling so damn lonely?!

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 11/02/2020 10:12

I am the same, teen daughters, a full time job and I seem to have lost my way a little with friends. I have some but not a huge group and I find that I'm becoming a bit needy to dh (not dds dad) which is not healthy. I tried meet up and hated it!

Headfull · 11/02/2020 10:17

Oh Eeny I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m surrounded by lovely people, but I’m close with v few and feel your pain. Thinking of ways some of my friends have met as adults, it’s usually been through exercise (not at a gym or gym classes but eg at a local running group/ outdoor fitness type company/ CrossFit). Quite often after a while they’ve formed friends/ gone to the nights out/ started to have their own friendships and groups. Are you able/ interested in something like that? It’s definitely a lifestyle thing (and most started out v unfit). And most of the running groups don’t charge much if finances are an issue.

Headfull · 11/02/2020 10:19

Just read your post properly and saw you’ve been doing park runs... you’d probably be great at a local ‘plodders’ group or something and may meet even one or two people there over time.

BusterGonad · 11/02/2020 10:21

I have the same problem due to moving abroad, I think I'm picky as well which isn't good. I just want someone with a similar sense of humour and is into what I am. 🙁

Feelingalone2020 · 11/02/2020 10:23

Where are you based OP?
I feel the same, always only had 2 close friends and one lives far away down south. The other i see regularly but us married with children now so harder to see each other. Have always been happy in my own company until recently when i met my boyfriend. He goes out with his mates and i am on my own, suddenly im not as comfortable with my own company as i thought. .
I have tried to join local sport groups and book clubs etc but not sporty and just end up blending into the background quietly. Find it hard too :(

Pootlepootlepootle · 11/02/2020 10:25

Have you tried 'meetup'? they're good for people in your area with similar interests, there'll deffo be a single parents one. One for gigs, one for cinema, book clubs etc.
You join and then eventually fins someone you click with... it's not instant always but a good way to meet new people as friends...

squizzles · 11/02/2020 10:25

If you have an older child then you probably have more free time on your hands?

How about a hobby? Look after yourself first and people will just strike up friendships with you. If you come across as desperate then you may repel people or invite predatory-types in to your life.

Is there anything you can do locally? Are you religious? Charity work on the weekend?

eenymeenyminyme · 11/02/2020 10:33

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not the only one going through this but sad to think of others feeling lonely too...

I guess I have to make myself more interesting then hope that will attract people to me... I've looked at meetup before but as I'm in a university town it seems to attract people a lot younger than me, and I'm maybe too picky for my own good like Buster. Either that, or I assume people won't want to form friendships with me and probably give out that vibe...

I will look again for groups to join though, there must be something out there! I'm not religious and my only hobbies are running and gardening, maybe I need to diversify and hope that works?

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 11/02/2020 10:50

Im in the same boat as you! I am surrounded by nice people all day, who I get along with. However there are very few people I could pick up the phone and talk too, or send a message and meet for lunch or something.

I didnt used to be like this. I moved from an area where I had a nice social life, but had to move for work. I now live about 3 hours away and things have dwindled for obvious reasons.

I think its lifestyle based. Second PP who suggested things like corssfit or something like that, its very social.

Also, on the flip side, id be cautious of coming across as too 'needy'. People can smell it a mile off and it tends to put people off. I met a woman a while ago who was nice, but was so reliant on my time and company (also I think because she was lonely) I couldn't maintain the type of friendship she wanted.

eenymeenyminyme · 11/02/2020 10:53

Oh god it's such a minefield isn't it?

I guess any hobby that makes me feel better about myself is going to help me feel less bored and lonely and I've just got to hope it leads to friendships but not count on it...

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 11/02/2020 11:09

Can only suggest to look for groups to join. I met loads of lovely people when I joined a running group.

Have a look in your local area at meet ups that are going on. www.meetup.com

It's difficult but doable. X

strictlymomdancing · 11/02/2020 11:10

I felt like this and I have other challenges, however I did be brave and join a fitness club and now I go 3 times a week, there are some regulars I chat to and the club does some social nights that I go to.

I wouldn't call them friends but it gets me out and I have a nice time and the classes are great fun and I get fit. So win win all around really.

fuckitywhy · 11/02/2020 11:42

If it's not too outing, whereabouts are you posting from?

BeUpStanding · 11/02/2020 11:44

Hi OP. Loneliness is so so common, there are many many people in the same boat - but social media gives us this false impression that everyone else is always out having brunches and picnics and wine with their friends.

Radio 4's Woman's Hour did a special edition yesterday about loneliness - it's well worth a listen
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000f6sr

One suggestion I took from the programme was to get back into the habit of phoning a friend for a chat. No one does it any more!

wobblywinelover · 11/02/2020 11:54

Same boat here, but single. The most adult conversations I have during my days off are with the supermarket checkout lady. The rest of the time I look at facebook and see everyone else having a whale of a time. It's hard to make friends without seeming needy - maybe the hobby thing would work, or join and exercise class, but it's so hard for me to connect with people in general i've given up trying, if it happens it happens. Most of my friends just want to spend time with their partners, and a lot of people don't like being associated with single mothers. I read a lot and watch a lot of tv, and if I want to go out for a meal I take my son with me.

eenymeenyminyme · 11/02/2020 13:46

If it's not too outing, whereabouts are you posting from? I'm in the home counties, in a very built up area, so should be able to find people easily!

Maybe it'll improve in the summer when I'm happier about going out in the evenings on my own...

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 11/02/2020 13:50

Hi eeny,

I used to feel similarly but I started to get to know my neighbours and we now have a book group of 5 ladies that meet once a month plus often do cinema, coffee etc.

I also started French classes once a week and - though I’m the youngest by far - I really really look forward to the stimulation and interaction!

Apart from that, my friends seem to come from work (not much help, I know).

My mum started a local running club a couple of years ago and most of her friends are from there!

Hope you find your people soon!

BrokenWing · 11/02/2020 13:59

Have you tried moving on from small talk with your park runners?

If it is the same group of faces you chat to every week maybe suggest a nite out to get to know each other a bit better? Start a whatsapp group. Start talking about things on at cinema/theatre/locally and say you'd really like to see that and see if anyone says they would too, if they do say you can come with me if you like... Lie and say you have a voucher for 4 at X place and does anyone want to come to use it up as none of your mates fancy it (then buy the voucher!).

there will be someone in the same position as you, you just need to find them.

eenymeenyminyme · 11/02/2020 14:00

Hope you find your people soon!

Yes! This is what I'm looking for! Just got to find where they're all hiding...

OP posts:
gracepoolesrum · 11/02/2020 14:04

I recently read that it takes about 50 hours of socialising to go from acquaintance to casual friend, then another 40 to go to established friend. It's really hard because even those of us who are lonely would struggle to devote that time. I second meet up but just be aware of how much plugging away you may need to do, it's not a reflection of your likeability just the way it is.

byvirtue · 11/02/2020 14:08

I went to my local Red Tent which is a monthly women’s group, really lovely supportive group of women of all ages and I have made friends there who I see at other times. redtentdirectory.com/

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/02/2020 14:23

I guess I have to make myself more interesting then hope that will attract people to me. Don't even start to think like that! You don't need to be more interesting, you need to get out and find the people who are interesting to you.

I've found a really good way is to get into voluntary activities as one of the organisers (no voluntary group will turn down someone who is willing to actually do some work). People have to talk to you because you are the secretary or the treasurer or the person who looks after the tools or the biscuits, that leads to general chat - not friendship, but a worthwhile social interaction - and then you find you like one of them enough to suggest a coffee together, and you're on your way.

Keep away from working in a charity shop - too small a pool of people. Starting with running and gardening - can you start an informal running group? Is there a niche you could fit into, even if it's the only running group on a Tuesday morning, or a Saturday afternoon? What about a "Friends" group doing maintenance in a local park? Or an "Edible" group planting free veg on the lines of Incredible Edible Todmorden? Even just a litter picking group. If you haven't got a suitable group, think what you'd like to do and start one off - put a post up on Facebook.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 11/02/2020 14:27

Oh darling don't believe all you see on Facebook, most people aren't outcall the time they just make the most of every outing.x

poopbear · 11/02/2020 14:28

OP. I’m in the Home Counties too. I’ll PM you

Ragwort · 11/02/2020 14:34

I agree that it's best to find something that interests you and then, hopefully, you will find like minded people. I've met so many friends through volunteering because we have a shared interest. We move around a lot and I always find it easy to get involved in something and meet people. Have you tried WI?

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