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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want kids to visit

60 replies

Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 08:24

Just wondering if anyone agrees with me on this one...... on/off partner has taken our 2 children to visit his brother (which I have no problem with) but I've told him I dont want them there when the brother's wife is there. Me and brother in law never had a great relationship but past couple of months were really good we put differences aside and were getting on great. One night out of the blue he rings me and says "oh, are the kids still awake? Cos I'm coming round with my WIFE! . I told him no your not coming round they asleep. You have to understand he wasn't in a relationship with this woman.... he'd met her online and married her after a couple of days. Who does that? She could be anyone we dont know anything about her and he wants to bring her around my children. BUT I'm the one in the wrong apparently. Anyway he took the children there lastnight and there was a mystery 'cousin' there. Took my daughter to the shop alone. I know it was her and I'm so annoyed cos he knows how I feel. AIBU or am I in the wrong here? X

OP posts:
crosspelican · 11/02/2020 09:49

He will take the car so I have no way of getting to work
Get a car of your own. Get a small bank loan for it or find the money somehow.

says he wants everything hes payed for back out the house.
Good luck to him getting it all on the plane. Tell him you want it out of the house by the weekend or you're charging him for storage.

Tells the kids he moving back to his country and marry a woman there..
Good riddance to him. They are better with him out of their lives.

SheChoseDown · 11/02/2020 09:54

Sooooo..... You're OK with an abusive "on/off partner" being around your kids. But not an auntie that hasn't done anything?
I'd be concerned at someone's lack of judgement from getting married so quickly. But it just seems like you're nitpicking to be awkward.
Your children have such awful chaotic dramatic lives. Poor kids

Mycatwontstopstaring · 11/02/2020 09:57

BIL’s new wife is not the issue - other than to show that their whole family is a bit bonkers and you EX does not respect your wishes.

OP please find help. Women’s Aid / social services / Citizens’ Advice Bureau etc. If ex threatened violence against your daughter, then report that to the police, there needs to be a track record of his behaviour (and if he formally seeks custody police records will be helpful evidence showing why he shouldn’t have custody).

Change the locks. Whose car is it? Can you get a garage to reset the key / park it somewhere further away where he can’t find it?

Can you move and not tell him where you’ve gone?

Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:02

Thanks for the replies everyone but the other problem has been dealt with and i just wanted ppls opinion on the new wife. No I haven't got any intention of getting back with him and I plan to move to a new town but I need a job and a house.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 11/02/2020 10:05

You can't refuse to let your DC visit your BIL because someone you know (which is basically what this boils down to) is there. Would you be happier if he'd known her for 2 months, for a year? Would you complain if a neighbour popped in for a cup of tea? Fine that you don't want your DC in sole charge of a comparative stranger, but you can't dictate who they can and cannot meet.

RedskyAtnight · 11/02/2020 10:05

... someone you don't know ...

Highonpotandused · 11/02/2020 10:10

He did threaten my daughter and that is why. This was before xmas and we didn't speak for 3 weeks. My daughter does not speak to him and that's fine with me. But still 2 others that are his children tbh they never wanna go out with him but if they dont he takes it out on me..... me and my family have brainwashed them against him etc...

So you’re happy for your partner to take your children to see this abusive man but it’s the woman you have a problem with? Confused

Your perspective is strange, OP.

Urkiddingright · 11/02/2020 10:11

This is utterly bonkers.

Bezalelle · 11/02/2020 10:13

he'd met her online and married her after a couple of days. Who does that?

Nobody, because it's not logistically possible.

OneOfManyDays · 11/02/2020 10:15

You're being a bit ridiculous and OTT abuot BIL's wife. When kids are with their dad you won't necessarily know and be able to approve them meeting everyone they come into contact with - just the same as you wouldn't let your ex dictate this to you, I'm sure.

The main problem here is NOT the new BIL's wife though. It's your ex. BIL's wife has actually at this point given you no reason to worry, whereas you ex has threatened your DD and thus provided evidence that he's the one you should be concerned about!

If anyone had threatened my child I would have called the police, and genuinely not allowed him access to any of my children until it had been properly dealt with by authorities and supervised etc.

Lilymossflower · 11/02/2020 10:31

Ok your partner should not have lied to your, or let child go alone to the shops with someone you don't want them too.

YANBU !

ShatnersWig · 11/02/2020 10:32

says he wants everything hes payed for back out the house

But you rent and the house is in your name, so don't see how that works.

PhoneTwattery · 11/02/2020 10:33

My cousin met a bloke in a nightclub and married him within a week. She was very young and had lost her Mum. Her head wasn't in a great place. It does happen.

JRUIN · 11/02/2020 10:33

I'm glad to hear that there is no question of you getting back with your EX @Mgby1 and that you don't allow him in the house and I know that you don't want us to focus on this aspect of your life, but it is very difficult not to when you so obviously have much bigger fish to fry than the petty (in comparison) thing you are worried about. I would be far more be concerned that you are being bullied by your ex and that your daughter's are seeing this (they may not see it with their own eyes but teenagers are very perceptive). Also it would worry me that his kids don't want to be with him. Have you asked them why? How old are they? Old enough to tell you?

JRUIN · 11/02/2020 10:38

Also OP I understand that you don't have the strength to finalise things right now, but he should still be your 'ex' in your own mind even if he doesn't know it yet.

Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:40

No he shouldn't have lied it was literally half an hour after i asked him not to do it and he took them right there. He still doesn't know that I know and I'm unsure if to say anything or not

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:42

@ShatnersWig he has bought things for the house previously

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:44

@JRUIN they are 7 and 9. He doesn't do anything with them that's why they dont wanna go. He'll take them to the park for 10 minutes then bring them home. If they wanna go swimming my brother takes them

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 11/02/2020 10:45

If you let BIL bring her round and you meet her she won't be a stranger any more. That is how it normally works when relatives get married, you meet the new partner and get to know them.

Your ex shouldn't lie and sounds difficult but your BIL did want to introduce you to his wife, obviously he picked the wrong time as kids asleep but you could still arrange it.

stophuggingme · 11/02/2020 10:48

This new woman is the least of your issues based in what @ShatnersWig has highlighted

Pull yourself together and protect your other children from this man: he has threatened your daughter but you haven’t “ got the strength to finalise things” ? In that case you are failing all your children as much as he is.

He sounds utterly abusive and hideous. How on earth can you just sit back and allow this to continue?

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2020 10:48

Tell him No and he'll do it all the more to spite you. Go to CAB and get advice to get him gone. Does he pay maintenance?

And any more threatening behaviour, call the police.

Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:56

@stophuggingme are you speaking from experience here? I've been with this man for 14 years and he has emotionally abused me for the entire relationship. Hes watched me break down in tears and walked out if the room, hes made me feel paranoid hours after I'd given birth saying I still looked pregnant, hes made me worry over other women saying he could get another if he clicked his fingers. Too many other things to mention. I would do anything to protect my children from anyone but when you've been grounded down for years yes it is a bit difficult to find the strength yo fight back against someone who you can never make your feeling clear to or will never accept that they have done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mgby1 · 11/02/2020 10:58

@Nanny0gg no he doesn't pay me anything although he will buy them things when he takes them out. Btw he has 2 businesses that make good money and I'm on minimum wage

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/02/2020 11:02

never wanna go out with him but if they dont he takes it out on me

So you send them to protect yourself?

JRUIN · 11/02/2020 11:02

So he is a lazy father as well as an abusive stepfather yet you still allow him to lie to you and to bully you. You need to find the strength from somewhere to get shot of this pig for good, because the more you let it go on the more you will feel kowtowed by it all and the harder it will be to break free. He has no right to take your car or anything from your house even if he did buy them I wouldn't have thought, but if unsure please go to CA and find out exactly what your rights are, and his regarding access to kids so you are armed with the correct information for when he next threatens you.