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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you’ve ever been suspicious that a close friend wasn’t happy for you?

33 replies

NotGreatBob · 10/02/2020 21:58

I’m talking about subtle signs, be it comments or actions/lack of actions.

If so, did the friendship survive? How? Wondering about a longterm friend who seems very petty lately. I really can’t be bothered with it and so have limited my contact, I feel dread at the thought of having to talk to her. It’s strange as nothing huge has happened. I wonder if she probably feels the same.

OP posts:

CruCru · 10/02/2020 22:01

It depends. Are they desperate to get pregnant / afford a house / get promoted / get married and you’ve just done exactly that? If so then give them some time.

On the other hand, it may just be that they are preoccupied with whatever they have going on and aren’t all that interested in your news (whatever it is). Or maybe you’ve both had enough of each other for a while.

Ohnoherewego62 · 10/02/2020 22:01

Can you elaborate on your situation??

No, I've majorly been supportive of good friends as they have been of me.

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2020 22:04

Yup, funnily enough DH and I were just this minute talking about it! Friend of many years who was a staunch supporter of mine when my relationship was in trouble, go to girl for drowning my sorrows etc. When I met my now DH and fell hard, she said all the right things but there was this...thing. She wasn’t happy for me, she preferred me when I was her emotionally wrecked mate. We got engaged and she pulled back in a low key kind of way, nothing easy to catch.

We are trying to move on but the friendship is not the same. Her need for me to fulfil a need in her (to be needed or to be the stable one maybe) was really strong, it was like I had let her down I think

I believe her affection for me is real, I think she feels really bad about it too. But still....it hurt

Original poster

NotGreatBob · 10/02/2020 22:14

Ahh Queenofallsee, this is similar to my situation I feel. You have articulated it well. It’s only now when I’ve started to question why she was withdrawing and making comparison remarks about her life vs mine, that I look back over time (20 years of friendship) and saw that it was always me who was the ‘lesser on paper’ if you will. It genuinely shocks me to think this could be the case as I have never felt that way towards her. Probably why she was so happy to have me as a friend all these years.

I’m mainly interested in other peoples stories rather than boring people with my theories on mine!

OP posts:

Cinammoncake · 10/02/2020 22:18

Yes a couple of times. I could tell they were happy when I was unhappy and not happy when my life was going well. The rest of my friends are the opposite. The ones like this I dropped. It's not unreasonable to want true friends. I'd rather have fewer and the ones I do have, know that we care about one another and have each others backs.

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2020 22:19

I am an over thinker, so have spent some time considering it - it’s how I reconcile stuff. I think that on some level, me being in a slightly shit home life sort of balanced ‘us’ out for her - she is a bit insecure in a way that I always made allowances for, it didn’t detract from her amazing qualities. Her happy marriage was her ‘one up’ on me and she really felt a dynamic shift when my situation improved and I was bewildered by that - I’m not competitive at all with my friends, their success does not negate mine and I hope I will always cheer them on. I felt hurt and also sad for her, she didn’t need to think like that - she is really great.

That said, I was hurt and she knows it. I hope we will come through it somehow

ironicname · 10/02/2020 22:22

I did, but it was more about her feeling down than about me.

Drowningmysorroes · 10/02/2020 22:25

I’ve always tried to be supportive and happy for my friends.

But I suppose when sometimes they make comments (most likely without thinking) then it’s harder. For example one night I was drinking with a friend and got upset about an ex and later that night she was showing me soppy texts to her boyfriend.

I would never want her to be unhappy or want her relationship to be over (unless it was toxic etc) but sometimes when things like that happen your own feelings are too strong to be masked.

DNR · 10/02/2020 22:27

Yes. Someone who had been absolutely insistent on being my friend got more and more competitive and I knew she was fuming when anything nice happened for me. Even a good grade on one piece of work would turn her into a green eyed monster and then she would be vicious. I pity her. Being jealous is an absolutely horrible feeling. I'm sure most people have experienced the feeling to some degree but I think, for people like her, it makes for a very unhappy life.

DNR · 10/02/2020 22:29

And yes. Great friend if everything was going wrong for me. Jealous as hell if anything went right.

Formermousemat · 10/02/2020 22:37

I think it does happen unfortunately, some people need to be needed and if their friend is suddenly doing well they don't know how to react.

On the other hand, some people are good in a crisis but just not so good in fair weather, they perhaps don't feel as much of a need to stay in touch when things are going well. The opposite of a fair weather friend I suppose.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/02/2020 22:44

I wasn’t happy when my friend lost a lot of weight and I wished I had too / I missed Miami g about my weight yo her. But it passed. When we bought a much bigger house that I know she would have lived x and could never afford she seemed genuinely excited for us.
Conclusion - she is nicer (and slimmer) than me. I was jealous but I hope I hid it well and it didn’t last long, you can get past it.

Boom45 · 10/02/2020 22:46

My best friend doesn't really like kids and we spent at lot of time together before I had mine. When I told her I was pregnant she was pleased for me but she was a bit sad for herself and for our friendship. I understood this to be honest and we're still very close but she did struggle to be really happy about it. I don't blame someone for feeling a bit sorry for themselves and not managing to be 100% pleased about something that has a negative effect on their life.

billy1966 · 10/02/2020 22:49

Yes, a friend of a lot of years. She was going through a bit of a hard time and I wasn't. She became a bit snide. It was hurtful but I knew she was having some issues and I was very fond of her.

It was my husband who noticed some of the comments and didn't like them (and he had been very fond of her too) and brought them to my attention.

I became more aware of it, subtle though it was and it slowly changed the friendship.
I did challenge her on it but it didn't make much difference, until one day she had a small dig at me and something switched off and I was in effect, done.

No hard feelings, just no longer that interested.
It's hard to confide in someone who you know might be happy that you have a struggle.
For me I just found myself filtering my conversation and we just drifted apart.

ButIsItTouching · 10/02/2020 22:55

I told a group of my oldest friends that I'm getting married. Two friends were immediately happy for me but two others sat stoney-faced and took a full five minutes before they said anything at all. Of the pair that obviously weren't happy for me, one has been married for a few years and the other has been with her partner for over ten years, so I'm at a loss to know why. It's quite hurtful and it's made me reflect on the other times when this pair haven't been supportive in the past.

I think that some people think there's a limited amount of happiness to go around.

WineAndTiramisu · 10/02/2020 22:55

A close friend of mine accused me of being jealous she was getting married before I was, and that I wasn't happy that good things were happening to her. It wasn't that at all, but her fiance was a complete cocklodging wankbadger. So no, I wasn't happy she was getting married. We've gotten over it now I think, they're still married. She could've done much better though, and has lost quite a few friends over how rude he has been to them.

Twiglets18 · 10/02/2020 23:02

Oh gosh yes one friend all the time and several others on a couple of monumental occasions (who I have moved acquaintances) I put up with it for 10 years from this particular friend thinking well when she gets all the things she wants maybe things will stop but no it hasn’t. I’ve spoken to DP and neutral friends at length and concluded that she'll never be happy as she wants to be what she perceives as the best, have the most etc., she’s far happier and a better person when her friends are failing at something.

Twiglets18 · 10/02/2020 23:07

And yes up until the summer it had but then something in me snapped when she couldn’t be happy I’d got a small job after not working for 3 years (various reasons including birth of DC) she has a wonderful high flying career which she apparently loves and has worked very hard for yet she still couldn’t be pleased for me. She was horrid actually so not so subtle 😂. I have seriously reduced contact. It has made me so much happier!

anon2000000000 · 10/02/2020 23:26

Yes, just a few people.

We don't speak anymore.

SomethingBlue22 · 10/02/2020 23:59

Yes. I have had to drop a friend recently for this exact reason. Looking back I should have worked out that there was always something a bit off about our friendship. We met through our kids and she accused me early on on flirting with her husband. Who was nice but in no way my type. But I was a single mum at the time and a bit used to other women thinking I was after their men. Sad but true.
I noticed over the last few years that she just made me feel awful whenever I saw her. I had come out of an awful relationship years earlier so when I met my now DP you would assume she'd be happy for me. But no. Subtly things were said that showed me she preferred it when I was on my own and struggling. I let the friendship die off but felt really guilty about it so when she asked out of the blue to see me I thought I owed it to her.
At that point I was a few weeks off a big diagnosis and her attitude to that reminded me exactly why I'd let things go. And I really don't feel bad. She is a nice woman on the surface but underneath she is deeply unhappy and forever comparing herself to others.
I've chosen to only spend time these days with people who genuinely care and it's liberating.

Original poster

NotGreatBob · 11/02/2020 05:35

Ahh yes @billy1966, ‘filtering my conversation’ is what I had started to do. Weary if I said something that seemed to trigger an off comment from her or a sudden tirade of comparison - it would drain me. It’s no fun when you can’t be yourself, I‘ve made new friends since and it’s highlighted the difference.

My partner thinks she is a self centred person, he suggests as many of you have done - downgrading the friendship in my head, letting it fizzle our naturally. I remember how when she became single she didn’t want to hang out as much, preferring the company solely of a new single friend she met. I understood at the time (despite having been the perpetually single person for all of our 20s and enjoying hanging out with her and her various long term bf). Then she got a boyfriend and followed him up the country, and now I realise how she didn’t see the single friend she’d leaned on so heavily for that year again, not even to meet up for a coffee! She’s very situational. If your situation isn’t ‘working’ for her, she’ll withdraw.

Oh well, it felt better to write it down. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotGreatBob · 11/02/2020 05:39

@SomethingBlue22 I feel as you do, relief really. Especially feeling liberated when you’re with people who are truly happy for you. And yes, these friends that constantly compare are nice on the surface, which makes you doubt giving up on the friendship.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotGreatBob · 11/02/2020 05:42

@Twiglets18 it’s funny, I too spoke to other friends about it and got back a lot of ‘you’re too good a friend to have to feel like that, it’s her loss’, gave me the confidence to drop her.

OP posts:

redcarbluecar · 11/02/2020 05:58

Yes, sometimes. I think some people do struggle with jealousy and insecurity at times (perhaps we all do), and may also have their own shit to deal with which leaves less room for being ‘happy’ for you. I think you have to decide whether you can get past the odd little glitch or whether you are actually being drained by the friendship - constant, unsolicited comparison is wearing after all. Is there something specific you feel she should be happy for you about? Sorry if you’ve said.

vampirethriller · 11/02/2020 06:11

Yes, my oldest friend, and I hardly speak to her any more. If I told her something good had happened there would be a few hours silence (we live hundreds of miles apart and talk via WhatsApp) then her reply would invariably be that she'd had a terrible day. A disaster had happened. Someone had upset her. Every time. No mention of what I'd told her. It took me a while to realise she was inventing the bad news so I'd give her attention again.

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