AIBU to want Low Contact with family

[CatonNZ]

Firstly, I have to say this is an amazing community! Fantastic caring people and community that I have enjoyed learning from and ‘listening’ to. Just wished I’d known about you all ten years ago!

My problem: I have a family that on the best days drive me to distraction, on the worst.. hurt me. Latest saga... I am overseas on holiday (I’m engaged), I get a message from my 30Yo DN, asking me to buy her a pair of Doc Martens, and 2 T-shirts from a brand you can only find where I am. I say I will have a look if I am able. I’m a bit surprised b/c other than the happy birthday or Xmas message I haven’t seen her over 15 years.

I then hear from my DB next day saying “don’t disappoint my daughter”. Which surprised and angered me.

I then hear upon my return from our mum who says “you f’ed up” by not scouring every shop I could to purchase and bring said items to DN?!?! At my expense of course.
Background: my DB helped me renovate my house and did a fantastic job. He did the labour, I bought the materials. I ‘paid’ him via looking after extensive dental work (couple thousand pounds worth) bought him tools and paid for him to travel up and down the country to see our DD.

Two weeks ago I hear DB is back in town ( he usually stays with our mum). I hear he’s not well and caught a flu bug. I decide to bake a banana loaf and plan on driving by to drop off. Our DM rings me to say err no, I need to ring my DB and “ask him if it is ok for me to drop by and bring said banana loaf”. Further conveyed by DM “wasn’t he shouting at you the last time you spoke”?!? Errr no. And then the declaration from DM “ I just want my children to get along”... before I die.

Yes, but it doesn’t help that we (meaning me) have never been treated equally nor afforded the same privileges. I feel sad and prior felt hurt and angry... but this has been going on my entire life. DN tuition was paid for by DM six years running. DSister same but that was for seven years. DS children taken on four Caribbean holidays in last five years.. and camp, clothing, lessons etc since they were in primary school ( they’re teenagers now) DS on car number four ( I still shake my head at this one) paid for by DM. Lastly my DB and DS and their children have all had orthodontics... you guessed it paid for by DM. I am the oldest, have had to work to pay for all uni/living/ health expenses etc. My two sons who are now young adults same. I did not marry a wealthy man and have been divorced many years. It has only started to click in my mind the common denominator(s) and it does hurt. I had tried talking to DM and gently broached the subject (the last time I said something she took offence to She did not speak to me for 9 months).

I could go on but don’t think it’s helpful. It’s not that I don’t love my family, I feel it may be best to cease contact to a bare minimum.

AIBU

Your mother might just 'want all her family to get along before she dies', but she's done/doing sweet fanny adams to facilitate that, hasn't she?

What she wants is for you to continue to suck it up buttercup, and be treated like a second class citizen in your family without observation or comment, is what she really means, isn't it? What's in it for you?

It’s not that I don’t love my family,
Not sure why you would love them tbh, they don’t seem to even like you.

@mbosnz A lifetime of servitude? I did broach subject about the difference in how my siblings and I are treated a while ago... I was mocked by both DM and DB. I couldn’t understand really. I tried to be reasonable and have an adult perspective but to further compound matters I’m the one who everyone turns to when there’s a problem. I mean everyone. When DS was almost booted out of uni ( she failed too many papers and took too long to complete her degree, DM rang me in a panic. I was living overseas at the time. I rang and solicited relief for her from the Head of faculty. I have always tried to do the right thing but feel my boundaries not respected and if I pipe up I’m ‘punished’.

You should have said a straight no to your DN when she asked you to get the boots/clothes. Given your background with your family you probably should go very LC. Do not be available to them when they come running with their problems. They are grown ups too so let them sort their own shit.

Doesn't seem a particularly fair exchange to me.

If they're not prepared to have a mature, mutually respectful dialogue about the issues you're concerned about, with a view to resolving past and current grievances, i.e acknowledge them and make meaningful change, then I reckon you're more than justified in saying 'screw this, I'm out of here. You lot sort your own shit out, I'm done. Done being the scapegoat and skivvy for this family. So don't come running to me, because I'll be telling you were to go'.

See what happens if you block their numbers/social media for a limited period - would you feel more at ease. They see you as a source of validation - someone who only exists to make them feel better. Don't respond for a while then after that say 'no' if they are being unreasonable. They will either back off and leave you alone or possibly treat you with respect. Either way you win.

@FadedRed Ouch :-( Not sure why. Always tried to do the right thing -and help out. When I lived overseas would always send money to my DS who was, I thought struggling with two small children. Used to pick up my other DN after school and help out when I could. But I do ‘hear what you’re saying’. It’s just always been like this and like the frog in warm water (that gradually heats up)....

That's the thing, they've put you in the 'people-pleaser they can use or abuse' box. It's like you are not a real person to them. Like I realised to some of my ex-friends I was in the 'naive nerdy person who's a good emotional toilet' box which sucked since when it was their turn to step up they were nowhere to be seen.

I'd stop replies, just read and watch and see how long before they tur on each other. Always go how people act not what they say...

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare well my DS isn’t speaking to me for past year or so. We had some tension initially three years ago when I came back from overseas. She went in my handbag a few times and stole/pawned my jewelry. I was staying with her for the week, had lent her 1000.00 she needed for the kids over the summer... I told her she could either speak to the police or me as I would be filing a report. She confessed and apologised. I insisted we go to the pawn shop. When we got there I had the manager take out everything she’d pawned ( including much more jewelry I’d forgotten I’d even had) I paid for it and put it in a safety deposit box at the bank. I told her when she’s paid me back She could have it back but that was three years ago...

@Drum2018 thank you! Very good advice! I am very responsive and always come back quickly when people call or message me. Good for some but maybe not in this case.

Ouch! There's your answer right there. I'm prepared to bet a month's mortgage that she's sorry you caught her not sorry for being a shitweasel.

I'm confused @CatonNZ I don't understand why you would give your sister the jewellery she stole from you?

She stole it and pawned it, you paid for it back and you are asking her to pay you back for what you paid to the pawn shop. Why on Earth would you give her the jewellery once she paid you back for the pawn shop money? That's effectively free jewellery for her.

@JohnMcainsdeathStare yes, I guess so. Trouble is she is not the person I left ( I was
living overseas for quite some time).? I found out last year she’d also sold my car too six months after I’d left. The whole family covered for her. Was told it was leaking oil and was towed to the scrapyard.... which it wasn’t.

@Formermousemat because her own jewelry was in there too. She’d pawned the lot. And some of my other things were in with hers. I have quite a few bits and they were all in a small case in my handbag. She had taken out a large 22k bracelet and it’s matching earrings. That was what had stood out to me I think I was in shock... and there were other smaller pieces she had pawned. She had gone there over three or four days during the week... one time with my 14 yo DN!?! If I hadn’t insisted we go to the pawnshop my other things would most likely have gone missing permanently. As was I was stupidly trying to sort this problem that I saw she was in.... spending too much on takeaways and coffee and generally not managing her money well at all.

Hopefully, now you have written this all down - would you spend your time with people who lie, belittle you and steal your belongings with others who actively support them?

I don't think so. I'd wait, grab some popcorn but watch out for the flying monkeys...

So they have lied to you, stolen from you, treat you with no respect, no appreciation, and no kindness?

I was mocked by both DM and DB. I couldn’t understand really. I tried to be reasonable and have an adult perspective

Caton, your biggest problem is that you are a 'normal person' with normal expectations of give & take in human relationships. Your DB & DM, however, sound like they have some form(s) of Cluster-B personality disorder.

There is no reasoning with Cluster-B's.
You have to adjust your mindset to the expectation that they are never going to see your point of view, that they are in fact incapable of seeing your point of view, & that their dysfunction means that they are clinically unable to perceive other people through anything but the distorted lens of their own egos.

Start reading up on it - not for solutions, but to give yourself some much-needed understanding & peace of mind.

You could spend the rest of your life giving them the shirt, or even the skin off your own back, & they will still remain unable to appreciate you. You do not exist as a person in your own right to them - you are there purely to facilitate their desires, feed their unnecessary dramas, & act as stooge to their temperaments.

Had you known all this, had you been wised up to the facts of selfish controlling people & the background of why some of them behave as they do, when this happened -
I am overseas on holiday (I’m engaged), I get a message from my 30Yo DN, asking me to buy her a pair of Doc Martens, and 2 T-shirts from a brand you can only find where I am. I say I will have a look if I am able. I’m a bit surprised b/c other than the happy birthday or Xmas message I haven’t seen her over 15 years.

• do you see, can you agree, that the optimum response to such CF'ery would have been to simply not acknowledge the text?

I think you are well on the way to getting your head round all this.
LC would be a good place for you to be while you work it all out.
LC would allow you to not acknowledge texts, to not feed the trolls, to not respond to drama.

It's not as easy as just deciding to do it though. It takes guts, perseverance, & the strength of character to not respond when - inevitably - the Flying Monkeys & accusations start up.
Your family will use every unfair trick in their lexicon - & these will be legion - in order to bring you back to heel. They will perceive you distancing yourself as an affront, & they will demand obedience & submission to rectify it. They will try humiliation, aggression, crocodile tears, bad-mouthing you to all & sundry, guilt, invented emergencies, convenient illness ...
The trick is to genuinely disengage, & that can be very, very hard.
However - YANBU, & I think you should do it.

You may even find NC an easier option. With NC, you also - eventually, with a lot of self-care & preferably therapy - kiss goodbye to that aching frustration of not being "heard" & of wanting them, finally, to see that they have placed you in the wrong when you did not deserve to be. It is difficult to lose that feeling, but once you have, the push-me-pull-you disappears with it, because you are simply no longer engaging, & - even if it still pains you a ittle - far too busy living a life filled with non-abusive people to spend any time brooding over what a bunch of CF's think of you.

Keep posting, Caton, & well done on your perception & resolve.
You are not alone, there are myriad people who have 'been there done that' & understand your predicament.
Your life is too short & too precious to waste on this mindfuckery.
Please get some self-help reading done & for crying out loud if you can afford therapy from an expert specialising in helping victims of familial Cluster-B abuse, get yourself booked in pronto.

also ... I suspect you are going to get a lot of positive support on your thread, but imagine you may be feeling pretty overwhelmed right now - - you deserve one.
And make sure you do something relaxing & self-caring for at least an hour before bedtime tonight.

Messolini, you really do some incredibly insightful, empathetic, and compassionate responses.

@mbosnz I could both hug you & weep. But let's just have & instead, & celebrate the amount of PP's who genuinely understand abusive mindfuckery & all help each other to get past it.
Thank you!

and . Chink, chink and snarf!

And here's to people supporting other people to appreciate they don't have to accept being used and abused and generally treated like shit on a shoe, even if the people doing it are family.

I hope you haven't spent that money on DM's yet! Keep it and spend it on yourself - a present to yourself that you aren't going to let those CFers in your life

JohnMcCainsDeathStare weasels are kind to each other, unlike the OPs family.

Totally reasonable to have low contact. Enough to know that you are not dead, ill or something similar that prevents contact, so that they see it as a choice on your part.

The more you post the worse it gets - they lie, cheat and cover for each other at your expense.

Save the banana loaf and eat it yourself. What do they do for you?

(I know your brother worked on your house but it sounds as though you paid for it.)

I wouldn’t go LC I would go NC
What do these people bring to your life? Nothing but stress and heartache who demand your money/attention and time but do not value you enough to return in kind

@messolini9 Wow! Insightful and empathetic advice. And you broke the back of the problem!!! I have never heard of the term Cluster B but will read up. I do or rather it has dawned on me in the last ten years that my DM has a narcissistic personality disorder. And one that is quite prominent. We have all suffered in my family of origin as a result and perhaps all to differing degrees. Perhaps as I’m the oldest I’ve experienced more exposure to this behaviour than my siblings but I can say without a doubt I was never ‘heard’ or was allowed a voice growing up and whilst that had impact it is the behaviour I find myself confronting now as a mature single woman that has at times left me incredulous with the downright nastiness that has been directed toward me and breathless with the total lack of care. As I had been ostracized for 9 months and left without a phone call or text by DM due to the fact that I responded to an onslaught of insults for delivering 40$ on behalf of my sister who was ‘reimbursing DM for some duty free she had asked Dm for. The only sensible thing I did was to instruct my sister to put the money in a sealed envelope and put DMs name on it... delivering said envelope I was told I was stupid to have done so.. DS actually owed $45!dollars and not $40!-and dm used to think I was intelligent” clearly not for having commuted the sin of bringing her her cash (I live five minutes away compared to DS who is an hour and works odd shifts). But yes some sort of therapy would no doubt help me navigate this mess...