Firstly, I have to say this is an amazing community! Fantastic caring people and community that I have enjoyed learning from and ‘listening’ to. Just wished I’d known about you all ten years ago!
My problem: I have a family that on the best days drive me to distraction, on the worst.. hurt me. Latest saga... I am overseas on holiday (I’m engaged), I get a message from my 30Yo DN, asking me to buy her a pair of Doc Martens, and 2 T-shirts from a brand you can only find where I am. I say I will have a look if I am able. I’m a bit surprised b/c other than the happy birthday or Xmas message I haven’t seen her over 15 years.
I then hear from my DB next day saying “don’t disappoint my daughter”. Which surprised and angered me.
I then hear upon my return from our mum who says “you f’ed up” by not scouring every shop I could to purchase and bring said items to DN?!?! At my expense of course.
Background: my DB helped me renovate my house and did a fantastic job. He did the labour, I bought the materials. I ‘paid’ him via looking after extensive dental work (couple thousand pounds worth) bought him tools and paid for him to travel up and down the country to see our DD.
Two weeks ago I hear DB is back in town ( he usually stays with our mum). I hear he’s not well and caught a flu bug. I decide to bake a banana loaf and plan on driving by to drop off. Our DM rings me to say err no, I need to ring my DB and “ask him if it is ok for me to drop by and bring said banana loaf”. Further conveyed by DM “wasn’t he shouting at you the last time you spoke”?!? Errr no. And then the declaration from DM “ I just want my children to get along”... before I die.
Yes, but it doesn’t help that we (meaning me) have never been treated equally nor afforded the same privileges. I feel sad and prior felt hurt and angry... but this has been going on my entire life. DN tuition was paid for by DM six years running. DSister same but that was for seven years. DS children taken on four Caribbean holidays in last five years.. and camp, clothing, lessons etc since they were in primary school ( they’re teenagers now) DS on car number four ( I still shake my head at this one) paid for by DM. Lastly my DB and DS and their children have all had orthodontics... you guessed it paid for by DM. I am the oldest, have had to work to pay for all uni/living/ health expenses etc. My two sons who are now young adults same. I did not marry a wealthy man and have been divorced many years. It has only started to click in my mind the common denominator(s) and it does hurt. I had tried talking to DM and gently broached the subject (the last time I said something she took offence to She did not speak to me for 9 months).
I could go on but don’t think it’s helpful. It’s not that I don’t love my family, I feel it may be best to cease contact to a bare minimum.
AIBU