To feel anxious about this medical examination tomorrow **TRIGGER WARNING **

[toothfairy73]

I think I just need some hand holding and to be told this is going to be alright.

Tomorrow I have a Transvaginal scan. This means they will scan me from inside my vagina.

I have been told they cover the probe with a condom, the radiographer will scan me, lasting 15 mins or so.

I have a history of sexual violence. I was seriously sexually abused (every way possible) as a child for years.

It is just over a year ago that I (and others) put him in prison. During the lead up to the trial the flash backs intensified and even after the trial they have persisted.

I sometimes get an sensory flashback which is the smell of condoms.

I am also aware that the radiographer (I don't know if they are male or female) will need to look to see what they are doing: I also have strong memories of his head between my legs.

I am terrified that I will have a flashback tomorrow.

Earlier in the year I had an endoscopy and despite me telling them I had complex ptsd and that I choke and gag if anything hits the back of my throat, they made no allowances, I had a flashback, and tried to pull away, and although I understand why they had to do it (I had a camera down my throat and could have really damaged myself) they held me down. It was so triggering and affected me for weeks afterwards.

I'm so scared about tomorrow. I've not been able to concentrate on work all day and now I'm effectively self harming (eating loads of sugary shit when I'm diabetic) but to manage my feelings.

I had a really big wobble last night and broke down in front of my husband sobbing. I'm so terrier of having a flashback. He has offered to come with me today. Thank you so much for the hand holding and the advise, I will let you know how it goes

Hope it goes ok for you OP. You're so brave, you can do this.

Good luck op. If it helps, I don't remember even noticing and condom/plastic layer. I know there was one because they have to. But no smell or anything noteworthy. It was also a paper towel rather than a blanket for me.
I hope it goes okay for you x

Hope all goes well for you today.

I just wanted to tell you about my experiences as well. I have had to multiple TV ultrasounds. It is nothing whatsoever like sex. It’s not like a penis, it’s not like a vibrator, it is just medical equipment.

I couldn’t smell the condom, probably wouldn’t even have known it was there if I hadn’t been told. You won’t be that close to it when they are preparing for the scan.

They usually offer to let you put it in yourself. If they don’t and you think it will make you feel more comfortable, ask. The answer will be yes.

The sonographer is not sitting between your legs, not even when it is inserted. She is next to you and closer to your head. She will focus on her screen once it has been inserted and has no need to look you again.

I hope you can get through this ok. Please remember that it is to help you. And it is not non-consensual. All you have to do is allow her to sit next to you with her hand occasionally near your leg. That is all. It is in no way degrading or shameful. Keep telling yourself that it is a medical procedure and that you will be in control of this experience. If you say stop, she will.

Good luck.

Thinking of you today and I am glad your DH is going with you. If you don't feel you can share your history and want to, could he? Obviously you may not wish to disclose.

Hope it goes ok OP, I've never been SA but understand deep fear of medical procedures as I have a phobia which causes me to have fits during times of fear like medical procedures.

It's debilitating. I hope everything goes well for you.

Thinking of you OP. x

Hope today goes ok OP. I've had 3 transvaginal scans at 3 different hospitals, each time I had a female radiographer who barely needed to look before inserting the probe (she remained in her seat to do so). The condom was as people have said, more of a plastic covering and the blanket was a plastic/ paper thing, they let you take off your bottoms etc and position yourself under the towel behind a curtain. All very clinical and they go through everything with you beforehand too.

I had one yesterday, I didn't even see her put anything on condom wise but I did see the packet on the scanner, she only slightly glanced when seeing it going in but otherwise was completely looking at the screen. I was expecting it to be like a smear but there was no pain, felt more comfortable and had paper towel over my lap.

I went to the wrong bloody hospital!!! I think my subconscious was trying to tell me something. We now have a mad dash to get to the other one and hope they still see me

I feel sick

Ok. All done. So glad my husband was there, it meant I could just look at him to ground myself. Wasn't pleasant, especially when they were checking my ovaries.

I have a solid cyst (26 mm) on my left ovary. Need further tests to check everything is ok. Not sure if 26 mm is large or not. It sounds quite large

Well done for getting it done

Have been wondering how you are all day.
It takes a strong woman to get through what you have been through.
Well done and best wishes. X

Thank you everyone. I had been feeling stronger but leading up to the scan just took me right back. I got a call today from the dr, wanting to see me urgently as the report is back. Trying not to panic. There was research published in September that found you have double the risk if ovarian cancer if you have PTSD. It's to do with the stress hormone.

I'm going to the drs tomorrow and will see what that brings

You're amazing tooth fairy
So glad that part wasn't as difficult as it could have been. Having the right people around you makes such a difference.
And hoping any treatment you might need is straight forward.

I'm so sorry about what has happened in the past. I've got a scan tomorrow I've had them before and know how invasive they are. Just wanted to say we'll done you were really brave.
Also really think the endoscopy should have been handled better.

Well done on being so brave. I understand what you’re going through. I was going to suggest taking someone supportive before I got to the bit where you mentioned your husband went with you. Mine comes to any appointments like that too.

I had loads of these during ivf. They basically cover you and then insert the probe in blind And their bodies are not near you at all.. If there is any difficulty or you feel uncomfortable then you will be able to insert it and they will move it around. If you have a male sonographer then you are within your rights to ask for a female colleague to be present (or do it instead).

I'm glad you were able to tolerate the examination. The size of the cyst is not large, it is probably the solid nature of the cyst that they need to see you for as this may require treatment.

I was called into the GP yesterday and they have put me on the 2 week (cancer) pathway. They have to rule it out. I'm seeing a gynaecologist on 25th of this month. I really hope this doesn't mean more interval examinations. I can cope with an MRI or anything else but more interval examinations would be really hard. I'm trying not to panic at the moment. If I hadn't seen the GP about the increased risk I wouldn't be here
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/31488422/

Sending you hugs OP, you are so courageous facing your utter fears to care for your health. I hope all comes back ok and you can resume normality.

The gynaecologist will probably ask if they can do a bi-manual examination when they see you as it is routine. This is one hand in your vagina and one pressing on your abdomen. You can of course decline, but it would help if you tell them why so that they can make adjustments where necessary in what tests they run.

How are you doing OP?

How's things OP?