Christening

[melissa1215]

I'm christened catholic, DH was catholic too (but apparently he didn't know this until I asked his mum - weird) - neither of us are religious at all.

I would like to have our DS christened, partly so he can go to a good catholic school like I did.

DH is deeply against this, has a rant any time I mention it and a firm NO. He won't listen to my reasons. All our family and friends agree that getting the baby christened would be in his best interests. However, DH won't even consider it.

Now, I'd never do anything against DH's wishes but I feel like he's being unreasonable.

The local schools are the same ones that DH attended and he hated them, said they were awful and the ofsted reports back this up.

There are really good catholic schools local, but DH says he doesn't want our sons mind poisoned.

I can't seem to get my point across because he literally shuts the conversation down.

We did discuss this before we got pregnant, but we were having IVF and had a lot on our plate so i didn't fully realise how dismissive he was being, i I put it to the back of my mind.

Any advice?

TIA

What are his reasons? Other than the schools what are your reasons? I wouldn’t want to send my DC to a catholic school for a variety of reasons and I also think that if you both aren’t religious then there aren’t really many good reasons to christen your DS.

Getting your kid christened woNt necessarily get you into a school - round here you have to go to church fir at least 48 weeks of the year and have it signed off. Check a schools admission policy.

Has always seemed hypocritical to me. It also sounds like your DH has good reasons which you'd agreed with.

You have a child christened for one reason only and that is to bring the child up in the catholic religion. I am with yourr husband, dont be that hypocrit

Are all of the non-Catholic local schools awful? If so, I’d probably consider moving house, if it were an option.

I’m with your DH on this. I don’t think any child should be baptised until they are old enough to understand what it means, but particularly if one parent is dead set against it.

All our family and friends agree that getting the baby christened would be in his best interests.

Apologies to pick a phrase and run with it, but I think that this is a very unfair thing to do.

None of those people are your son's parents. He has two of those, and external opinions are of no relevance to this decision. Please don't use them as a weapon in this discussion - it will no doubt make your husband even more obstinate.

If someone else gives you information (on this thread), you can present it as a rationale, but 'all my friends plus some people on mumsnet' don't get a vote in this.

Unless you are very devote to the religion which you are obviously not then I think he is right. Especially since your motivations aren’t at all religious anyway

Look at the promises you have to make as parents at a christening. If you don't believe and mean those promises, it is utterly hypocritical to go through the ceremony and it is utterly unreasonable for you to insist that your DH does so.

If you really want your child to be raised as a Catholic, start taking him to church.

Do you intend to bring your child up as a Christian? If no then I don’t think a christening is the right thing for your child right now - you have to make vows etc

Having a baby baptized means that you are making promises in front of your family and friends and the congregation that you will bring them up in the Christian faith.
Being baptized is only part of the requirement for school admission - as others have said, you need to attend weekly mass very regularly.

I was baptised as an adult, along with ds who was 13 at the time. It was really meaningful because we had both chosen it and knew what it meant. I’m not against infant baptism, but only when it’s about both parents wanting to welcome the baby to, and raise them in, the faith. Would you still be so keen to have the christening if you had outstanding secular schools on your doorstep?

Quite of ‘non religious’ parents have their children christened. Maybe because new babies are so precious, we’re hyper aware of what a gift they are, and either want to do every possible thing for them to keep them safe (even if it seems like clutching at religious straws) or we want to acknowledge gratitude, whether it be to God, the universe, Mother Nature etc for the safe arrival of a tiny miracle.

I don’t think it’s hypocritical to want to have your baby christened, even if you don’t go to church, or believe the whole religious whammy. These things are as much about gathering family together as any religious ritual.

I do think that he needs to respect your religious views, as you are clearly taking his view seriously.

I'm christened but an atheist. I would absolutely never get my children christened, I'm completely against it, I believe children should be able to make decisions like that for themselves not have religion forced upon them. I think it's even more bizarre when people who claim not to be religious do it- if you're not religious, why are you standing up in church denouncing the devil and repeating back loads of stuff about promising to raise the child in the name of jesus (or whatever you have to say).

I think it's strange this isn't the sort of thing you'd sorted out before you got married or had children though.

I think your husband is right.

Why would you want to send your child to a faith school when you are not bringing up your child in that faith?

if You attend church then get you child christened but if you don’t go to church and have no intention of going then I don’t see the point. Getting your child baptised to get them into a certain school is so wrong.

I would like to have our DS christened, partly so he can go to a good catholic school like I did.

I think you could be in for a bit of a shock then.

The good Catholic schools around here have a long waiting list and the staff/church aren't stupid.

Then tend to ask for proof of involvement in the Catholic church.

As a non religious person I'd rather move to an area with good schools than get my child christened and go to church. It feels terribly hypocritical, especially as your DH is so against it.

What’s the point in getting your child christened, and being so insistent that they go to a catholic school, if you’re not religious? Presumably you won’t be bringing them up in a faith-based household, and christening them means you’ll be standing up in church and promising to raise them in a Godly way. You’re not planning to do this, so it seems pointless.

‘These things are as much about gathering family together as any religious ritual.’

What?!?

I was christened and went to a Catholic school and, like your husband, have no intention of sending my children to a Catholic school.

I think you are the one being unreasonable. You are not practising Catholics, what else is there to discuss?

We are moving home to ensure that our children go to a better non denominational school, because I want my children to go to school to learn and not have their heads filled with ideas about God in the sky, eternal life etc.

I think many parents do what you are suggesting though.

You will be asked to answer questions in the baptism service about your own beliefs and about whether you are going to bring your child up in the faith. It doesn't sound like you are in position to answer those truthfully. Is dishonesty the way to go? I think your husband is absolutely right to say no if he can't answer honestly.

You've presumably got some time before choosing schools, so maybe the local ones will improve before then. It's unlikely that they are poor in the same ways as they were when your husband attended. If they're "requires improvement" that's not always all bad - sometimes it can just be one or two issues, which they will be working hard on so may already have improved. Go and visit them when the time gets nearer, get a feel for yourselves.

My nephews were christened catholic purely for a school admission and they never got a place! So was for nothing!

I'm christened, but I don't follow the faith. I refused to get married in church and I refuse to have my son christened as feel its really hypocritical if I don't believe or follow said religion.

I don't think your reason for school alone is a good enough reason to go against your husband on this. If you were wanting to bring him up religious then that would be different.

I'm with your dh on this one. During the christening there is a part where you and the godparents have to promise to bring the child up as a catholic. I couldn't have done that if I hadn't intended to actually do as I'd promised. Both me and dh are catholic but if one of us wasn't I would let the child decide if they wanted to be christened when they were old enough. Schools are also pretty wise to the fact that people are christening kids just to get in, you normally have to prove you attend church regularly.

I agree with your husband! If you are not practising Catholics then don't do it!

I'm Irish and most people still seem to baptise their babies even though they have no interest in the church/being a Catholic - but it is just the done thing? I think it is ridiculous tbh and people need to stop doing it just to get into schools (that seems to be the main reason Irish people do it as 90% of the schools are still Catholic!)

I wouldn't Baptise my child because I hate that I was forced into it as a child - it really annoys me that I didn't even have a choice to join or not!

DH and I were both brought up strictly Catholic, and intentionally set it all aside as adults for various reasons. We had our children Christened to please our parents as it was important to them (and it was good for other family reasons too), but made a choice to not bring them up Catholic. I strongly believe that it is immensely hypocritical to send your children to a Catholic school if you do not intend to bring them up in the faith. At any rate, you won't be able to get in based on a bit of paper from 5 years earlier - you need to to put in the hours as well!

You need to either decide that your family is going to be Catholic, or, as you husband says, go to a non religious school. If they're all bad in your area you need to move - apart from anything else, if they're all that bad, then the Catholic school will be over subscribed and will be doing checks to prioritise active members of the church - i.e. not you.

Or go private.

I'm fully with your DH on this.