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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my friend for disorganising my houseevery time she comes to stay?

90 replies

duchesse · 03/09/2007 11:29

My friend and I have what I consider to be a mutually beneficial arrangement, whereby she comes to housesit our house and pets in the countryside for a couple of weeks at a time. She has a holiday away from the town, and we have relatively fuss free time away.

But every time she comes for a fortnight, it takes me another fortnight to restore the house to its usual level of organisation. I am not in any way anally tidy, but I do have certain things organised the way I like them. Like the kitchen and the airing cupboard. It takes three hours every time we get back to find everything in the kitchen and to put it back where it should go. There are cooking utensils in the cupboard with the plates, saucepans rammed any old how into the drawer so the drawer is virtually falling off its runners (there are only six of them and the all stack neatly three by three). All the cutlery is jumbled up, with things like tin openers in the with them instead of next to the stove. When we got back, there was a sheet on the table, and the tablecloths were all with the sheets, dotted all over the airing cupboard.

Her kids throw stones all over the lawn, break things willfully and leave sweets all over the house. I have to hide the sweet jar kept for rewards or difficult times, or they all disappear. Ditto any crisps or biscuits, which her children pinch without her knowledge.

I suspect I'm being a complete bitch about it, but this bugs me even more than the fact they left three days early, and we had to make remote alternative arrangements for the dog, chickens and guinea pigs. I think she is just a really really disorganised person, and tries very hard, but the overall effect is of a gremlin coming to stay. I rather like the old stick, but she drives me BONKERS!!!

Am I being unreasonable or not? I think I am.

OP posts:

Aitch · 03/09/2007 11:33

get a cleaner to come one day after you come back from your holiday, you're saving a fortune as it is.

Original poster

duchesse · 03/09/2007 11:38

Aitch- I already have a cleaner, who keeps coming while my friend is here.

OP posts:

Baffy · 03/09/2007 11:41

Is the mutually beneficial arrangement worth all the stress?

Or would it be better to make alternative arrangements for the animals and have nobody stay in your house so that when you get home it's just as you left it?

Sounds like she's more of a PITA than a help tbh!

oranges · 03/09/2007 11:44

Can you leave out a few plates, cutlery and pans, sheets etc for her to use and ask her not to open some of the cupboards and drawers? Sounds like she may do better with less stuff/ HEr kids breaking things is a bit much, though I think you shouldn't worry about sweets disappearing.

Mhamai · 03/09/2007 11:45

She has a different system, she is not you. You are being a bit inreasonable re the sweets and biscuits though. I too would be miffed re the stones and breakages. I would weigh up the pro's and cons.

What alternative would you have if she didn't come? If reorganising for a bit v possibility of a break in and major damage etc.

Could you talk to her about the breakages, stones etc? but leave well away from the tidiness aspect.

NadineBaggott · 03/09/2007 11:52

do you have to have a housesitter?

I'd rather pay for kennels and know I was coming back to my home the way I left it.

LittleBella · 03/09/2007 11:53

Have you actually talked her through exactly how the house is organised? Like "this is how the saucepans stack up, and we put these ones on this side, and these on this one? The table cloths go here, the sheets go here" etc.etc.

Re the crisps and biscuits and sweets, why have you got them in the house anyway? Just don't buy them when you know she's about to arrive, then you can't be irritated by her kids eating them.

Would certainly speak ot her about breakages, if I broke something at someone else's house, I'd expect to replace it unless it was v. old and the host said "oh don't bother, I never liked it anyway." And thinking about it, I'd still replace it with sth. else, tbh.

littlelapin · 03/09/2007 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oliveoil · 03/09/2007 11:58

is she aware that things need to be put back just so?

I am a neat freak and to a lesser degree so is dh

I put toothpaste on one side of the shelf and he is forever moving it to 'his' side iyswim

it shuffles back and forth like something possessed

either mention it to her - and risk her thinking 'oh fgs you freak' or leave it as it is and grimace when you have to tidy up

fortyplus · 03/09/2007 12:00

YABU re the sweets, crisps and biscuits and not putting things back in the right place.

YANBU re breaking lots of things (is it really wilful, though?), throwing stones on the lawn and leaving early without prior notice.

LittleBella · 03/09/2007 12:01

LOL at toothpaste having its own section of the shelf.

I wish I could be that obsessive. I truly, truly do. I yearn for that level of tidiness.

you would all hate me as a house-sitter.

Mhamai · 03/09/2007 12:01

Pmsl Olive at your possesed toothpaste!

Mhamai · 03/09/2007 12:03

I'd be the perfect housesitter Littlebella, it's my own that I can't keep up with!

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 12:04

I think you may be BU about the putting things back in the right place as she may forget where they go. She may not hold as much importance on things going where they should go, but as it is not her house and she is getting a holiday, she should put things back where she got them.

I'd feel a bit uneasy about her letting her kids raid the loot. But then again, they are also doing you a favour so they should probably be allowed the odd treat from your supplies, which you can always replace.

I think the breaking things and throwing stones might be a bit off.

Basically, if I was housesitting for a friend I would leave the place more spotless than I found it. That's just respect, though. I wouldn't expect someone else to clean up my mess and filth.

alicet · 03/09/2007 13:07

YANBU. OK so you are getting your animals cared for for free but then she is getting a free holiday too - this is not a one sided arrangement!!!

But I think unless you tell her these things I don't think you can expect her to be aware that it annoys you things are put back in the wrong place. She probably doesn't even realise.

She might not even realise her kids have broken stuff unless you tell her.

Agree with horsewoman though that if I was staying in someone elses house I would go out of my way to make sure it was spotless when I left.

So YANBU but if you let this happen again without telling her what you expect from this arrangement then I don't think you can expect anything other than this happening again. Like you say its probably not her being malicious rather than useless and with different standards!

blueshoes · 03/09/2007 13:17

duchesse, you sound like the sort of person where everything has to have its place. I am like that. I don't like to buy or be given things that are too big to be stored away neatly. It drives me crazy to have to look for something and then find that it is not where it should be but stashed away in some random place.

No, my house is far from spotless. But under that chaos, there is a system.

But I don't expect anyone to know it other than me. I personally don't think that even if you told your friend about your concerns she could help herself. Having to keep it up over weeks, she is only going to get stressed about it and annoyed with you.

Your styles are too different. If it bugs you, I would not have her over.

Anna8888 · 03/09/2007 13:38

Some people (like me) are tidy and organised and like their homes and family lives to run according to a system that is transparent to all, manageable and reduces stress to a minimum

Others live in chaos.

I can't understand the second type and I find it very difficult being friends with chaotic people. They don't (can't) change any more than tidy people can. I think perhaps you are trying to achieve the impossible and should make alternative house and pet sitting arrangements.

TellusMater · 03/09/2007 13:44

I am chaotic. If it were me, I would have the best of intentions but just would find it unbearably stressful. If you can't put up with it then you will have to make other arrangements.

I find it difficult being friends with ideal home types too

deepinlaundry · 03/09/2007 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 13:58

When we went to the south of france on honeymoon, my mum, gran, granddad and brothers decided to have a holiday (our house is in Somerset and they live in Cardiff) here. We came back and the house was an absolute mess. My mum had spilled bleach from the bathroom cabinet, all over the wooden toilet seat and chrome bin (which was a wedding gift) and wrecked them. She hadn't admitted it and we found it after they had gone home so I got really cross with them. That is the sort of thing you don't expect from your mum, and least of all not to admit it! They'd also wrecked the carpet in the hall by wearing their dirty boots and shoes through the house. The kitchen was disorganised and dirty. It was just not my home. We don't have them to stay anymore.

TellusMater · 03/09/2007 14:00

Mind you, knowing that I am chaotic, the is no way I would house sit for a neat friend.

Is she in denial?

alicet · 03/09/2007 14:29

Just been thinking about this again - I think it is pretty difficult to expect her to put everything back in the right place. Esp with children and dh who might also be taking things out and putting them away. I don't think I would remember where everythign went to be honest. But having said that it doesn't take 3 hours to reorganise your kitchen does it? The rest maybe but that would only take 5 mins. So maybe tell her about the rest then leave this out. Or if it bothers you that much put labels on the cupboards to tell her what lives where.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2007 14:32

I agree w/Anna's last post (don't faint, dear ).

Gudgeon · 03/09/2007 14:34

Oh dear. I would say you are being unreasonable, but I am a whirling vortex of chaos-creation myself and am congenitally incapable of putting anything back the way I found it (I try, but I can never remember how things were before).

Miaou · 03/09/2007 14:57

Oooh duchesse, you sound a bit like my friend . Last year we housesat for them and looked after their kitten whilst they were away. I'm nowhere near as chaotic as your friend, but obviously I don't do things exactly the same as my friend does. However my friend was very obviously stressed by the fact that (naturally) not everything was in exactly the same place as it was when she left - I got a letter asking what had happened to various things! (not missing, just not put back in the "right" places). I had even forbidden the kids to play with her kids' toys as I knew she would stress out if they weren't put back correctly . We are still friends though!

I think it's a case of either (a) bite the bullet and put up with it, for the sake of knowing your animals are cared for and your house is not empty for a fortnight, (b) talk to her about it and ask her to at least make an effort to put stuff back where it goes, or (c) don't invite her again.

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