Hello, I name changed for this, I know I am being very unreasonable, but just have to get it off my chest.
Me and DH in our late 30s live far away from our families, but we still meet several times a year for long periods, we always spend the summer holidaystogether etc.
We moved away in our late 20s and since then had DCs, I had to stop working effectively to care full time for my kids as I had absolutely zero support in all these years, kids were all on me, my DH's job has been very demanding from the start, reasonably well paid, but we didn't qualify for any sort of state help, so basically I was SAHM and he was advancing his career. I am not complaining about this, it was our choice and we thought that was fair at that time.
As a result we're still renting but have finally started thinking about buying a property and for the last couple of years have been trying hard to save for the deposit. We would have really appreciated a gift sum towards the desposit and who wouldn't?
In that time we have never asked for anything money-related from PILs because they were caring for other relatives and we knew that their expenses were high.
They have offered a few times to help us by offering things that we thought are not sustainable or just not affordable at that time, like leaving their jobs and coming to live with us to take care of DGC, which would have required us to move to a bigger house, we had to pay them so they don't lose work years - fair enough - I had my doubts that they would really be able to move away from their home and everyone they've known all their lives, so we declined so they don't suffer financially because of us. They offered to mortgage their house again for a long period in order to help us with the deposit, but as they're in their 60s, however still working and receiving a pension, we couldn't accept (again) it as it could potentially leave them in a very precarious situation, so we declined again.
So fast forward a few years and BIL who lives close to PILs is expecting his first DC and has decided to buy his own place. He also can't afford the deposit, so there go my PILs again, mortgaging their home for years into their retirement to pay for his deposit.
AIBU to think this is massively unfair towards DH, who has been working hard his whole life and has been trying to do the right thing by not getting his DPs into debt?
Or have we been terribly arrogant by assuming what other people can and can't afford?
I also feel terribly stupid for not taking what was on offer, for never asking for anything, not even for my children, for declining offers for help, and now I think our children are going to be treated unfairly because we've been too principled.
I know I'm BU, it's their house, they can do as they please with it, but it hurts to feel unvalued and unsupported and I feel unreasonably jealous.