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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PILs get into debt to buy BIL's house - AIBU

62 replies

CrazyFrogg007 · 10/02/2020 10:51

Hello, I name changed for this, I know I am being very unreasonable, but just have to get it off my chest.

Me and DH in our late 30s live far away from our families, but we still meet several times a year for long periods, we always spend the summer holidaystogether etc.
We moved away in our late 20s and since then had DCs, I had to stop working effectively to care full time for my kids as I had absolutely zero support in all these years, kids were all on me, my DH's job has been very demanding from the start, reasonably well paid, but we didn't qualify for any sort of state help, so basically I was SAHM and he was advancing his career. I am not complaining about this, it was our choice and we thought that was fair at that time.
As a result we're still renting but have finally started thinking about buying a property and for the last couple of years have been trying hard to save for the deposit. We would have really appreciated a gift sum towards the desposit and who wouldn't?
In that time we have never asked for anything money-related from PILs because they were caring for other relatives and we knew that their expenses were high.
They have offered a few times to help us by offering things that we thought are not sustainable or just not affordable at that time, like leaving their jobs and coming to live with us to take care of DGC, which would have required us to move to a bigger house, we had to pay them so they don't lose work years - fair enough - I had my doubts that they would really be able to move away from their home and everyone they've known all their lives, so we declined so they don't suffer financially because of us. They offered to mortgage their house again for a long period in order to help us with the deposit, but as they're in their 60s, however still working and receiving a pension, we couldn't accept (again) it as it could potentially leave them in a very precarious situation, so we declined again.
So fast forward a few years and BIL who lives close to PILs is expecting his first DC and has decided to buy his own place. He also can't afford the deposit, so there go my PILs again, mortgaging their home for years into their retirement to pay for his deposit.
AIBU to think this is massively unfair towards DH, who has been working hard his whole life and has been trying to do the right thing by not getting his DPs into debt?
Or have we been terribly arrogant by assuming what other people can and can't afford?
I also feel terribly stupid for not taking what was on offer, for never asking for anything, not even for my children, for declining offers for help, and now I think our children are going to be treated unfairly because we've been too principled.

I know I'm BU, it's their house, they can do as they please with it, but it hurts to feel unvalued and unsupported and I feel unreasonably jealous.

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 10/02/2020 11:49

I think you were right to turn down the offer, your BIL should have too.
It's different if they have savings and offer from that, it's money they have but to remortgage at their age isn't right. They should be looking to their retirement not getting in to more debt.

Kalim8 · 10/02/2020 11:50

I see their offers of help as being completely unfeasible. They aren't offers anyone sensible would accept, and you, very sensibly, didn't accept.
I'd be gobsmacked at BIL taking them up on their ridiculous offer too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2020 11:54

I have to agree that your feelings are unjustified - if you HAD taken them up on the offer then you would now be in your BIL/SIL's position yourselves, and maybe they wouldn't have been able to access the same help.

What I believe you're actually feeling is resentment that your BIL hasn't been as largeminded as you and your DH in refusing to put his parents into debt just because they need help - but really, you DO have to let that one go because they've accepted the help when you chose not to.

It's galling, for sure - but it's on them, not you.

CharityDingle · 10/02/2020 12:00

I think you're right to have stayed out of any financial arrangements with your PIL and long term you (plural) will be glad that you did so.

Bluetrews25 · 10/02/2020 12:09

You did well to refuse, financial gifts from parents often have strings attached, they may not be visible immediately, but they will be there.
BIL has no idea what he has done - making them work into retirement to pay their mortgage. Poor PILs, they won't be available for ANY childcare at all if they have to do that, either. BIL might have shot himself in the foot - childcare will be needed if he buys or rents, but there won't be any free support if he takes the cash and runs to buy. Wonder which will cost more in the long run (I think we all know the answer to that one!)
Selfish bastard.
Hope they are in good health....

justasking111 · 10/02/2020 12:10

Hopefully your BIL who lives near the parents will be there for them when they need help ageing, something you are logically unable to do.

Sargass0 · 10/02/2020 12:11

Are you taking the piss?

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 12:15

I know I'm BU, it's their house, they can do as they please with it, but it hurts to feel unvalued and unsupported and I feel unreasonably jealous.

How can you say this when they offered the exact same to you?! Come on op, give your head a wobble.

Just because you were kind enough to think of how it would impact your PIL to do this and your BIL was not, doesn't mean you can feel unvalued and unsupported! You can only feel annoyed with yourself for not accepting the offer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/02/2020 12:20

They offered. They may have always planned to remortgage to be able to help their sons get on the property ladder. My future PILs have planned how they’d like to pass this things to my fiancé, they’re very knowledgeable on their estate. There’s no reason to suggest that your PILs were blindly offering things that they couldn’t afford...

Your BIL accepted, you didn’t. Sadly you’ll have to let go of what could have been now. It’s unreasonable to hold this against them... is there anything you can do now to improve your position? It was a pretty amazing offer from them to come and cover childcare for you... let alone then offering to cover your deposit.

UYScuti · 10/02/2020 12:26

I would leave them to it, keep out of it, he may come to regret it because he is now very deeply entangled with them and they may use this as grounds to have all sorts of unreasonable expectations or to be controlling towards him

saraclara · 10/02/2020 12:27

My grandmother occasionally said to me "if you need anything, tell me". This was when we had small children and were living payday to payday.

We never did ask because I thought it would be really unfair to take advantage of someone in their late 70s on a pension. We managed.

Years later she died, and left everything, savings and house to a charity. Because, it turns out, she was offended that no-one 'needed' her.

It still bugs me, that in doing the decent thing, I was penalised. But it won't bring the money back (which would have helped my kids with a house deposit)

Loveautumnsky · 10/02/2020 12:28

Sort of understanding OP. Of course , you shouldn't think that you are not valued, as you have been given the same offer.

However, as a parent of 2 boys, I think I will treat my 2 DC the same. So PILs took extra mortgage to help with BIL's house deposit, then this should be arranged as a loan to BIL since another DC didn't take the offer. And BIL should make a plan to repay this money back to PIL gradually.

It's unfair to give one DC a big amount money while the other DC didn't accept it. Unless the other child is significantly rich.

Alsohuman · 10/02/2020 12:32

Two people are offered the same opportunity, one accepts and the other doesn’t. Sounds like a Biblical parable.

Bananabixfloof · 10/02/2020 12:39

In their 60s they wont get a mortgage.
Ours has to be paid by the time DP hits 60.

Purplewithred · 10/02/2020 12:40

The rational response is 'selfish BIL, foolish PIL' but I think my emotional response would also be "We've been the good guys and we've ended up with nothing! SOOOOOO not fair".

, and as my mother used to say 'virtue is its own reward'.

(She wasn't always right, mind you)

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 12:42

They offered, you declined. Hardly the BILs or their fault? You’ll have to let it go.

Alsohuman · 10/02/2020 12:44

You can get lifelong mortgages now.

RaininSummer · 10/02/2020 12:46

You made the honourable choice of refusing their offer as you could see that it would leave them in a dodgy position. Unfortunately, the other couple didn't do that. I can see why you feel a bit aggrieved but you were made the same offer so there isn't any favouritism.

TheDeep · 10/02/2020 12:49

I don't understand why you are upset, you declined their offers of help and that's on you, not them.

HandsOffMyLangCleg · 10/02/2020 12:49

You did the right thing in declining, but I think everyone is BU here.

Is your husband a high earner? Just wondering why you continued to rent if, presumably, no childcare costs and a decent amount coming in?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2020 12:50

You're looking at this the wrong way.
It was lovely of your pils to offer you so much help, it was lovely of you guys to turn it down. Bil, not so lovely.
But I would say you've made your own choices here which haven't helped your own situation - such as having children before having a good pot of money saved, a mortgage etc. So, that's why you're struggling now, not because of anything your pils have done. It's fine to choose to do it that way round, your choice, but you need to own it.

Original poster

CrazyFrogg007 · 10/02/2020 13:05

Thank you, everyone, for the insights, I enjoyed reading all the comments and really appreciate all of them.
Yes, we made some really foolish and naive decisions, but we can't change the past now, it is what it is.
I guess I'm so worked up about it partly because I now realise just how difficult it is to get on the property ladder with kids, wish I knew that before, but I was young and naive.
I will concentrate on bettering my own circumstances now as this is the only way forward I can see and the only thing that could resolve our situation.
Thanks for making me realise that there really is no favoritism, I have no reason to feel like that and should start actively contributing to my family. Hope this is the kick in the backside I need.

OP posts:

LovePoppy · 10/02/2020 13:09

Knowing what you know now, would you except your parent in-laws offer?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 10/02/2020 13:10

I think its outrageous that they have remortgaged and BIL should not have taken the money. You were offered and declined. No one should expect parents to help in this way

LovePoppy · 10/02/2020 13:10

Hit post too soon

Would you except that you would then be responsible for them had a move near you, or it would be you feeling guilty if they were in trouble later on if they had remortgage the house for you?

That’s not something I would be willing to take on personally.

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