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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a handheld, life too much

39 replies

Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:11

NC. Sat in tears. Have always been the strong one, cant cope anymore.

Split up with husband 14 months ago, he didnt take it well, despite 9 months warning it would happen if he didnt change (treating me.like a skivvy)
We ran a pub together, I had no choice to keep it going. He retreated h to our rented house and basically felt sorry for 6 months as I paid Bill's.

He is now, finally working. I've maxed every credit option and card. Its pub game, jan, its shit. I cant get my name off tenancy til arrears are cleared (my Dad has cleared 1k, but cos stbxh hasnt worked the arrears have built up again)
I'm working 120 hrs a week, am waiting on brewery finding another tenant, thank fuck they have agreed to release.me early...but only if another tenant found.

I've been attacked badly twice and had 2 cancer scares.last 6 mo

I've been the strong one, I cannot.do it anymore. I am on bits. 20 yo away from home, 14yo living with me.and shes the only thing stopping me.doing owt stupid.

Tried samaritans at varying times, just to talk. Never had an answer, not criticism.

I have psoriasis and hives and usually hate it. I've broken out in hives and bleeding tonight. Scratching and bleeding is oddly satisfying but I know down that road madness lies.

I'm struggling, have dealt with so much shit in life (rape, DV x2, and more) have always been strong, just cant be anymore. No energy.left.

Not.aibu, sorry, just need traffic. I cant do this anymore. In bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:12

Didnt ask poll, sorry no clue how to take off

OP posts:
Whiskeychaser · 10/02/2020 02:17

No real advice, just didn't want to read and run x sounds like you've done the right thing for the longterm though. You need to keep positive and focus on the endgame.

Wellintentionedreader · 10/02/2020 02:19

I'm here .
I'm rereading your post and formulating my thoughts .
I may not come up with anything constructive as I've just taken a strong sleeping pill .
But I'm here .

hickorey · 10/02/2020 02:24

I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. I know things may seem bleak right now but you have made massive life changes there and that takes such strength. You are a strong person to do that. But you are allowed to need rest and to recover. Working so many hours will have a toll and there's no shame in saying you have had enough and things need to change. You have already made some positive steps and you should be proud of that

Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:25

Thanks both. No long game. I'm on the verge of bankruptcy and losing about 10k deposit. Have kept pib n house going for 14 months and it's all coming to crunch now. Stbxh JUST realising this. Have asked brewery for out but no house no job and cant without a leave date. Council wont let me go on list cos I cant get off tenancy at joint place cos despite paying 1000s it's still in arrears cos I simply cant.pay both Nd he say and felt sorry til June. So even when I get a date to leave, no house so limbo. I'm.panicking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:28

He sat* not say

Waiting for a date to leave but cant get a home. I can get agency work so not worried about a job. Just limbo all round and I'm no longer strong. At the point of asking Dad to take Dd and just walking

OP posts:
NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 02:37

Just wanted to tell you to hang in there, I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:37

I get hives, which look like nettle stings when stressed, not had for ages, they are bleeding as they are so angry. That's nee this last week. I'm frightened cos I am enjoying scratching instead of it driving me nuts. My arms are a mess.

Have tried smaritans again. Im scared

OP posts:
NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 02:40

Do you have hydrocortozone ointment? That really works to relieve itching.

You have your DD to think of. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Soon this will all work itself out and things will be better. I promise you that.

Elisheva · 10/02/2020 02:41

Well that does all sound too much. You are obviously the strong one, but I think that anyone would struggle to cope with everything that you are coping with, and I don’t think you should be expected to carry on as you are doing.
Where are you living? Who is paying the rent on the joint house that your husband is in?

bugbhaer · 10/02/2020 02:43

It sounds as though you’re concerned about the self harming. Can you try an alternative, such as ice?

NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 02:48

Also, put all thoughts about money aside for now. You're certainly not the only one to face bankruptcy and even eviction and homelessness. Most people's lives are imperfect in many ways. I've experienced a lot of fear in my life. You can recover from financial disaster and live to tell the tale, and even to go on to be financially successful. There is no shame in struggling financially....

Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:52

I have awful hives and have 40mg antihistamines rather than 10 or 25. Not needed the for years. Night itching is worst and have Atarac (sp?)

Really not suffered for years, back with a vengeance this week and usually drives me nuts, and aqueous cream helps. Never known it this bad, and never been happy to scratch which yes is concerning me.

I am running pub and paying rent and Bill's here. Have paid Bill's as able doe last 14.months on joint tenancy that stbxh.living in, as.my name.on tenancy.also..sustainable doe.6 to 9 months. He sat on arse for 6, then bist hip so understandable not working but the 6.months prior killed.me. he went back.to.work then had a 3.month gap, and that's done.me totally..

No animosity, over split. Just acceptance. From me at least. Was happy to support him but resented the 6mo him sat on arae feeling sorry. Still paid it.

19 yes together, just ran its course

OP posts:
Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 02:54

Sorry dor typos, crying eyes out, on hold for smasritans, trying to type

OP posts:
Elisheva · 10/02/2020 02:55

Why are you supporting him? What would happen if you stopped paying for his house?

Wellintentionedreader · 10/02/2020 02:56

I've had almost the same nightmare , even down to the itchy bleeding skin thing .
I also got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore ....I was DONE .
And then , after a bit of a blub at the GP surgery and because I AM the strong one , I absolutely had to pick myself up and do it some more , all by myself
It was fucking awful ; I worked even harder and slept even less .
My bastard ex would not stop harrassing me via Police , Social Services , DWP and stalking . He also told the DC -3 that I did not love them and that I was a lesbian . My DC hated me as much as my ex did and I wish now I had told them a little more of the situation (for a balance) but was trying to save them from some more anguish .
I kept my bank and creditors informed throughout and started going to counselling .
Once I was free from debt accrued by now bankrupt ex , I rebuilt bits of my house , sold t , made profit , cleared credit debt and bought a beautiful house of my own .
I am now safe and I never thought I would be .
You can do it , you wonderful strong woman . I know you don't want to HAVE to , but you can .
Handholding - both hands .

Elisheva · 10/02/2020 03:09

What would happen if you just stopped? Could you move in with your dad for a bit while you sorted out all the details? Could you apply for bankruptcy, draw a line under this horrible stage in your life and start again?

Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 03:24

My name is on the tenancy. It is joint. Cou cik so wont take me off til arrears cleated.

So even though I'm.paying rent on pub ANd house, I'm fuxked. Excuse.language. if I just stopped it would not only knackered credit more but stop any chance of council in future.

Dad has just sold his house so no option there tho he has said he will try and help with deposit etc on private....no date doeant help.

Wellintwntioned...have done it once. Left an abusive marriage with a 14mo, with nowt but a rucksack. Bastard wouldnt even let me have highcahir or travel xot. Fractured skull, rape, multiple ribs bust so yea, I can do it. But I am tired.

19 years and no abuse, just skivvy8ng, and love him.to bits but.no love iyswim. Took a year to get there and he knew it. Then he just stopped, knowing I would graft.

14.months of graft, he got all the sympathy after 6mo cos bust hip, forget the 9 months before.

I am at the.point I cannot function daily. I am calmer now, but dead inside. I may as well just not open doors daily, cos it dowsnt matter.

Ice calm acceptance atm rather than blind panic. That scares me more

OP posts:
Original poster
Endoftether20 · 10/02/2020 03:42

I'm running a bath. I've slathered arms in aqueous cream. I've had a brief, unfruitfal chat with samaritans.

I will begin again at 9. No choice.

Appreciate thoughts and comments. Esp wellintentioned. Been there..got out. Can do again, somehow. Ty

OP posts:
ariana1 · 10/02/2020 05:19

Your life sounds so hard - can you get advice on bankruptcy and what it would mean for you as that is a way out at least? You’re obviously a grafter - you could have a fresh start and be on your feet again fairly soon.

FredaFrogspawn · 10/02/2020 05:47

Consider bankruptcy rather than this. There is an end to bankruptcy but this sounds so relentless.

Why wasn’t he helping you with the pub while he was unemployed are you are working so many hours? That’s not on.

I hope you get out really soon.

OnePotato2Potato · 10/02/2020 05:51

OP
You sound incredible. You’ve been through so much in life and have come out fighting because YOU ARE STRONG. This is another challenge and I wish I could offer practical advice regarding finances but haven’t much experience there. But like another poster mentioned, there’s no shame in struggling financially, you can come back from this. If your Dad is able to help you out further, take that help. Keep your kids in kind and that might help you feel calmer. See the GP asap so they can prescribe something as you sound quite anxious.

Hope things become easier for you Flowers

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 10/02/2020 06:15

I’m really shit at practical advice. But hugs and a listening ear for you. ❤️

stupidcow7 · 10/02/2020 06:27

How are you feeling this morning. Hang on in there. It will get better, you'll feel sh#t and rubbish in the short term but this time next year your situation will be different, keep moving forward with daughter in mind, you will get there. You will.

OldGrinch · 10/02/2020 06:34

Hugs OP please keep talking to us here xxx