Need a handheld, life too much

[Endoftether20]

NC. Sat in tears. Have always been the strong one, cant cope anymore.

Split up with husband 14 months ago, he didnt take it well, despite 9 months warning it would happen if he didnt change (treating me.like a skivvy)
We ran a pub together, I had no choice to keep it going. He retreated h to our rented house and basically felt sorry for 6 months as I paid Bill's.

He is now, finally working. I've maxed every credit option and card. Its pub game, jan, its shit. I cant get my name off tenancy til arrears are cleared (my Dad has cleared 1k, but cos stbxh hasnt worked the arrears have built up again)
I'm working 120 hrs a week, am waiting on brewery finding another tenant, thank fuck they have agreed to release.me early...but only if another tenant found.

I've been attacked badly twice and had 2 cancer scares.last 6 mo

I've been the strong one, I cannot.do it anymore. I am on bits. 20 yo away from home, 14yo living with me.and shes the only thing stopping me.doing owt stupid.

Tried samaritans at varying times, just to talk. Never had an answer, not criticism.

I have psoriasis and hives and usually hate it. I've broken out in hives and bleeding tonight. Scratching and bleeding is oddly satisfying but I know down that road madness lies.

I'm struggling, have dealt with so much shit in life (rape, DV x2, and more) have always been strong, just cant be anymore. No energy.left.

Not.aibu, sorry, just need traffic. I cant do this anymore. In bits.

Hi sweetheart I’m sorry things are so rough for you at the moment.
It will get better, it really will

You have your DD, your dad sounds supportive, we are all here for you.

Can you get to the CAB? They could help with making a financial plan to get you from here to where you want to be.
As far as I understand you need to pay the arrears before you can end the joint tenancy on the house your exh is living in? Is he paying the rent now?
Are you joint tenants for the pub as well?
Is he paying you maintenance?
I think you need to get a lot tougher with him, maybe talking it through with the CAB, or maybe a charity like Christians Against Poverty would help you get a plan in place, so you can see the end of your journey.
If this involves bankruptcy then they can help you plan for this too.
I also think you should try your GP to see if they can offer any more help with your physical symptoms.
I hope you feel a bit brighter today, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Thankyou. I've had a rough morning as I've lost a staff member unexpectedly to another job. He has only just started working again so yes I will be getting some cash off him at some point and yes he will start paying the rent. I cant get off tenancy until arrears are cleared, about 1k I think but not sure.

I am coming out of the pub but not until they find another tenant so it's how long is a piece of string. Just seems endless at the mo

Hey there Endoftether .
I'm so glad you have posted again - and I recognise the 'feeling dead inside' ; it's not a good feeling but it's better than that hideous screamy adrenaline-fuelled panic that makes us want to rip our skin off and collapse bleeding on the floor .
The temptation to just stop is huge but we don't , you won't .
You're going to get through this , despite the fact that your husband is a dick who doesn't appreciate you or your strong work-ethic and who gives zero ducks about you , your child , your business or welfare .
Still handholding .

Hi OP just also wanted to offer a handhold and hugs - I very well know the feeling of life becoming one long grind and the desire to just run away as far as one can x

I hold onto the knowledge that in the 51 years I have ridden the storm, there are periods of calm and I try to make the most of them x The only thing that is certain in life is constant change. You have been through so much and it is utterly unfair that it seems never-ending, especially when much of what is going on seems beyond your control and due to external circumstances. Sometimes my "Fuck it all vibe" is dangerously obvious - I talk myself down with the sure knowledge that whatever I do may mean I miss the wonderful thing that the universe is allegedly planning for me according to the plethora of new age motivational posts that fill me FB newsfeed...... I swear to Goddess that at times if I positively vibrate any harder my molecular structure will just fly apart...... my crutches are, as you can probably tell, black humour and occasionally, within MN prescribed limits of course, vodka. Sometimes it really is whatever gets you through the night - but in one piece and with the least possible fall out.

I truly hope things improve for you soon.

My thoughts kept coming back to you today OP. I hope you found it helpful to share on here.

Thinking of you OP and offering strength

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

I've emailed the Samaritans before, they usually reply within 12 hours.

I have psoriasis and when it's bad I take an antihistamine to stop the itching. Do you have a strong steroid cream, dovabet or similar? It should help.

A quick handhold before bed .
I hope today hasn't made you feel worse . Your survival rate for shit days is 100% by the way , don't give up , please .
Once a new tenant is found you'll be free from that burden . A housing association and local council will find you and dd somewhere to live whilst you gather your thoughts and strengths .
There is light ; it's a bit small and far away but it's there . Keep walking towards it .

HA property isnt an option due to me still being on tenancy with ExH, and him having arrears, they wont take me off it tio they're cleared.

However I have had a massive piece of good news today, Dad has put on offer on an ex council house a cpl of miles up the road and it's been accepted! Needs ALOT of work but I ain't afraid of graft. Vacant.possession so could be quick.

Still in limbo re pub and dodging a bailiff atm for a ccj I didnt know had been entered (cant afford the fee to apply to set aside atm). So good and bD news today but there is light and at least I know I have somewhere to live. UC will be another battle once I move in, but that's down the line yet.

Great news OP. Stay strong.

I'm so glad about the house offer ....massive relief for you .
I wish there was some material help or advice I could give .......

You've had a really really tough time so how you're feeling is normal. So much stress in so short a time. You are doing what you can. hope you can get through the next bit ok. Good things will come x