A wedding etiquette one, help make sure I don’t end up BU!

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Hello oracles of Mumsnet.

One of my lovely school friends, is getting married in the summer, and all our girly school friends are invited, and it sounds lovely.
However.
I’m due two weeks before her, although according to the midwife and consultant it looks like I will actually be offered an induction or section due to health reasons between 36 & 38 weeks, leaving a month to six weeks before the wedding.

This leaves me with a conundrum
Do I...

Explain I am pregnant and bow out straight away?
Explain I’m pregnant and ask if she’d mind/ if easier for numbers to just pop along for the evening if she doesn’t mind me bringing bubs if all has gone to plan.
Explain I might not be a reliable guest, that I’m likely to bring a newborn if I do come, and that whilst I would love to be a part of her day, but that I know the invite didn’t initially extend to me with child and it’s totally up to her if I come or not, and that I love her and will see her for coffee and cake soon!

Thanks for your help
Definitely don’t want to sound entitled or to ruin her special day, she is honestly lovely and I have known her since we were six, we did infants, juniors, high school and college together and have never lived more than 2 miles apart, so it would be great to see her on her special day. But obviously I don’t want to intrude etc

thanks in advance

The third option.

If you were my friend I would be delighted for you to be a flakey guest in the circumstances. And I’ve never known a wedding where newborns were not just brought along...maybe sit at the back so you can exit if the baby starts to grizzle.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

If i were the bride, I would happily let you be flakey, but I wasn’t too strict about numbers! For others with stricter numbers or budget, if they put you down, it will mean someone else can’t go.

How far is the wedding? If it’s near, I think popping along in the evening is realistic. If it’s travelling, I would go with bowing out.

I think see what she says but approach it with the same tone you have here ie you know it’s her day and you’d love to be there but understand if baby can’t come, or she needs a definite decision. Just have a chat

Congratulations by the way!

Thank you all so much.
It’s about 15 minutes away, farm household hotelly place in the nearest big town. So nice and local.

Thanks again xx

I was invited to a wedding before they knew I was pregnant and hopefully I'll be able to leave the baby with my parents, but if not I'll ask them what they want me to do, and possibly just pop in for an hour with baby. Definitely give them the choice.

Go for the third option. In real life Tiny babies are a hit at reception.if it's really local you could go to see her married then rock up with baby (or not) for a quick drink in the evening.

the third option; one of my guests was due a couple of weeks before my wedding so we just left it hanging whether she could make it or not. There was the potential that I’d be paying for a meal that wasn’t then used but it was more important to me that my friend could come if she was up to it (she brought her 2 week old baby and left about 8pm and it was really special to have them as part of the day)

Is she looking for an RSVP right now? If not, I’d hold off speaking to her until you are ready to let her know you are pregnant. If she is, I’d say yes and then speak to her as soon as you’ve told her about the baby.

Anyway - if I were you I would tell her that you’d love to be there for the whole day but that with a 4-6 week old baby you realise you may not be able to when the time comes and will likely need to bring the baby. So if she would rather you could just come from the ceremony (do you have someone who could look after baby outside if needed?) and drinks reception - or the evening (although you might not fancy that with a new baby). The expensive bit that needs exact numbers is the wedding breakfast so she might want you to avoid that.

I wouldn't take the baby with you.

Option 3!

I’d say option three.

There really is no way of knowing how you’ll be post partum, so third option makes this clear but shows you’re friend you want to be there. Babies at that age are pretty portable if they haven’t got colic. If you don’t want to take baby, then they might take a bottle and you can go for the service/meal/evening depending on what suits baby. You probably won’t want to leave baby for the whole day.

Thanks all. Yes ideally I would pop over for an hour or so at the reception, with baby because I want to see my friend on her special day. She’s a little ray of sunshine and they have been engaged for nine years so it’s been a long time coming!

option 3 - hopefully possible as it is on the doorstep but keeps her informed. Guest numbers always go up and down a bit, especially for events booked so far in advance. She should understand.

It's not possible to go and leave a 2 week old behind. Therefore, you need to ask if she would be happy for you to be a flakey guest and not know until the last minute and if she'd be happy to have the tiny baby there.

A tiny newborn is not the same as a toddler at all.

I have been to numerous 'no children' weddings and at all of them, there was a family or more with a tiny newborn. No trouble at all and dint spoil the adult only vibe. Once babies are mobile, things are quite different.

She is a very good old friend. You can ask in a non-entitled way and she can answer as she chooses - I'd be amazed if she wasn't thrilled to hear your news and very happy to be flexible.

You might be able to leave the baby. Why isn't it an opinion to leave a newborn? The baby might be 6 weeks old

I agree option 3 - is this your first child though OP? Because I’d say with a 2 week old baby you’d probably be better going to the ceremony and ditching the evening part - you’re sure to be knackered!

Any of those options are fine, I think. You don't even need to pick one in advance.

We took option A with a wedding that was a month after my due date. Baby was over 2 weeks late, colicky and screamed every night from 7ish to 3am. It was horrendous. The idea of even finding something reasonable to wear, let alone "popping somewhere with bubs" of an evening wouldn't have been on the radar, and personally I'm glad we didn't have that extra decision hanging over us. But your friend's wedding is local and you obviously love her to bits, so it makes more sense to keep your options open. The main thing, I think, is to leave the ball in her court and flex round her.

I think its better to politely turn down the invitation, it is very hard for the bride if you ask her what you should do, not many people would have the guts to say 'I would rather you didn't come with the baby', she more or less has to say 'of course you can bring the baby'.

If you politely explain that you would rather not accept because of the baby and she then suggests you wait and see how you feel and that you are welcome to bring the baby - then at least you know she is being genuine about the invitation including the baby.

I might be far too knackered - And I do acknowledge that. I work with the postnatal midwifery and health visiting team so whilst this is my first I’ve seen people do all kinds (including out out on New Year’s Eve with a six day old, made me tired just hearing about it!)
I was thinking the evening because there evening do actually starts a 5, so she wouldn’t have to pay for my wedding breakfast, and I wouldn’t waste a place if I were to flake, it’ll still be daytimey and I can be home fairly early.
We are off out for lunch on Tuesday to the garden centre so I’ll bring it up then.
I’m basically happy to do whatever she wants, and if I’m not up to it, I’ll make her a little hamper a couple of days before with her favourite bubble bath, wine and chocs and ask my mum or DP to drop it over!
Thanks again everyone

Hang on!

The really important issue is that although you seem witty (great name ) and intelligent (not a "could of" in sight), not only do you use the word "bubs" but nobody here commented on it on it within milliseconds of you using it!

Am I or am I not still on Mumsnet?

PS Option 3. And you sound like you've considered it thoroughly; you're a good friend.

BLOODY "BUBS" THOUGH!!

Very nice of you to be thinking of this from the bride’s POV! Why not suggest 2 and 3 to her and let her decide? You’re being very thoughtful and I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.

2 or 3 .

Well done on being a considerate guest!

I was supposed to be Bridesmaid for a friend 3 weeks after I’m due my first baby in a wedding 3 hours away from home. After realising how crazy this was with the support of MN I spoke with my friend and have stepped down as bridesmaid. I am intending if all being well to go to the wedding. She knows it could be hit and miss but also knows I will be there if I can. I’ve booked rooms that can be cancelled 1pm the day before and made a list of everything we need etc and just going to hope it all goes ok. Speak with your friend and go for options 3

Option 2/3, definitely - let her decide.

Our DD was due a fortnight before a wedding, so we said that my husband would go (unless she was very late) but I wouldn't. DD turned up six weeks early, and the bride contacted us to say did I want to go after all! She was not the only newborn there - the other was even younger - and she was no problem. The biggest problem was finding something to wear at such short notice that I could breastfeed in!