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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at my husband not reducing social life since becoming a father?

38 replies

Cosmogirl86 · 09/02/2020 11:00

I genuinely need perspective on this because I know I'm angry right now and perhaps not thinking clearly. I have twins aged six months and my husband has just asked me to take them to my parents over night in few weeks so he can go out drinking, again. He recently got a new job so his colleagues are holding a leaving do for him - I assumed it'd be a few pints and home reasonably early but he wants an all nighter.

In the last six months he has been to three work dos that I can think of, three gigs (including one that involved him going to different city and staying over), a trip to Belgium and cinema trips.

My boys are ebf so I have managed to get out twice for two hours at a time. He said it's my choice to breastfeed so that's my issue.

I asked him why he even wants to go out so much and leave the babies over night, and he says I'm clingy and controlling mother because I don't want to leave them. He offered to book a hotel for valentines night and I was shocked he thinks that I even want to leave my ebf overnight even if I could.

Am I clingy to my little babies? Is it normal for fathers to just continue social lives as normal?

Also for context I also have pnd, my parents live two hour drive away and my mum has dementia so I have little support without him, and no friends in the area as we moved home before they were born.

Why can't he just go out for one or two and then come back? Why does he want us gone? Should I want to leave them like he does?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 11:02

YANBU at all
He is a selfish arsehole and should be supporting you and doing more parenting (which he can still do even though you are breastfeeding)
I think it would be pretty hard NOT to have PND with such a selfish partner Flowers

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 11:02

PS one big night out for a leaving do, fine.

All this?
"In the last six months he has been to three work dos that I can think of, three gigs (including one that involved him going to different city and staying over), a trip to Belgium and cinema trips."

Not fine

LovingLola · 09/02/2020 11:03

Was he like this before your pregnancy?

Weebitawks · 09/02/2020 11:05

He sounds like an absolute fucker

Why is he telling you to leave ? Can't he piss off somewhere ?

YouTheCat · 09/02/2020 11:06

So he wants you and the babies out of the way so he can get bladdered?

He's a twat.

Original poster
Cosmogirl86 · 09/02/2020 11:07

Before the twins he would have gone out but I wouldn't have minded. I either went out with him or did my own things with friends. It just seems like I've changed my priorities and he hasn't. I'm upset he thinks I'm a clingy smothering mother

OP posts:
partysong · 09/02/2020 11:08

You're not clingy, he's using that to make you question yourself and thus not ask him to change .

Haggisfish · 09/02/2020 11:09

Crikey what a twat he is.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/02/2020 11:10

It wouldn't matter if he was like this before her pregnancy lola as the issue is that he hasn't accepted that as a parent you need to change. Please don't start with the 'why were you stupid enough to have babies with him'. That only works if a poster is complaining about a crap dad and is on her 2nd or 3rd pregnancy. Having an active social life pre kids is no indication that they won't step up so it's obviously upsetting and stressful when they don't.

JosefKeller · 09/02/2020 11:14

First, you are perfectly reasonable not to leave your young babies. You don't have to, why should you!
Just because some posters on here claim to enjoy going away on holiday leaving their baby doesn't make it normal or acceptable. You are absolutely fine.

Is it normal for your partner to want to have some social life despite having babies? Yes, but not to that extend, and really not to dismiss your wishes and your well being.

He is not supporting you, he is not being a good husband or father. You need to have priority in his life.

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 11:14

My Dd is 7 months and I cant care the thought of leaving her over night either. I would not be able to sleep without her there.
Dont worry your feelings are completely normal.
I would like to say my partner hasn't been out either, that's through his choice. We are just completely content at the minute. Obviously eventually one of us will want to unwind and go out. Just not yet.

Cornettoninja · 09/02/2020 11:14

Well it sounds like you don’t think much of him as a father (and I agree) so why are you taking his opinion of you as a mother seriously?

He might improve as the dc get older and develop into people who he can interact with on a level he is comfortable with or, more likely tbh, this is how he sees his role long term. You and your children are simply background accessories in his life.

You can talk till you’re blue in the face but I would put money on it having no impact. He just doesn’t share your priorities and values and that’s not something you change in someone, certainly not through talking.

If leaving isn’t viable then for survival you need to detach and adjust your expectations. You can’t rely on him and will only damage your own MH if you don’t come to terms with that because he’ll just keep letting you down.

Original poster
Cosmogirl86 · 09/02/2020 11:16

I'm just furious and upset. I told him how annoyed I am and he texted his work mates saying he's not allowed to go. So now they think I'm a nagging harpy

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 09/02/2020 11:18

my husband has just asked me to take them to my parents over night in few weeks so he can go out drinking

Shock

I can’t get past this. The fact that you’ve already done it at least once tells me you need to grow a backbone and FAST! This is not ok to have to leave your house with tiny twin babies so your husband can have an interruption free piss up! Disgusting of him. I can’t fathom why you would ever agree to that.

Singlebutmarried · 09/02/2020 11:22

Well he can get to fuck.

Did he actually want babies?

Binterested · 09/02/2020 11:24

Having a baby is like an explosion in your life. Having twins I imagine is even more life changing. It’s a huge adjustment that takes months and years to complete. In fact you probably just about complete the adjustment by the time they move out!

He is a massive twat not to realise this. His previous life has gone. He is a father now and responsible not only for twin babies but also for you, his partner in this endeavour.

It doesn’t mean you can’t ever go out but life has changed. For ever. Only a fool would fail to notice this.

You are not wrong.

Original poster
Cosmogirl86 · 09/02/2020 11:28

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 11:28

my husband has just asked me to take them to my parents over night in few weeks so he can go out drinking

I don't get this. Why does he want you and the twins out of the way overnight while he goes out drinking with work mates? It doesn't make sense, you can be in your own home with the children while he is out.

Your husband is unreasonable to want you to leave your children to spend a night away with him alone. They are only six months old for goodness sakes.

He needs to grow up.

Morgan12 · 09/02/2020 11:28

Sounds like you have three children.

I'd tell him to fuck off to his parents and that you will contact him in due course regarding child maintenance and custody arrangements of his children.

I honestly would. If he hasn't changed yet then he isn't going to.

Bibijayne · 09/02/2020 11:29

He's being a dick. He needs to shape up.

Yellowandpurple78 · 09/02/2020 11:29

Welldone on breastfeeding twins for six months. That’s a real achievement and especially when you have a partner undermining breastfeeding.

I don’t know what to suggest, but he is being completely unreasonable. It’s normal to not want to be apart from them at this stage. Women vary massively, some will be happy leaving them at 2 weeks old and others at 15 months. There’s no right or wrong and it’s shameful that he’s trying to make you doubt your instincts.

It sounds as though he jointly conceived these babies but certainly isn’t jointly feeling the weight of parenting. I hope you manage to talk to him and he sees sense.

PettyContractor · 09/02/2020 11:30

I was shocked he thinks that I even want to leave my ebf overnight even if I could.

Should I want to leave them like he does?

There is no "should" when it comes to wanting, therefore no wrong in wanting different things, on either side.

SinkGirl · 09/02/2020 11:31

Anyone saying YABU clearly does not have twins. DH and I both had to change dramatically when our twins came along

As for this
My boys are ebf so I have managed to get out twice for two hours at a time. He said it's my choice to breastfeed so that's my issue.

What an absolute fuckwit. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on for EBFing his twins, which is an enormous sacrifice and extremely difficult. How dare he?

I’d be furious.

PettyContractor · 09/02/2020 11:31

I don't get this. Why does he want you and the twins out of the way overnight while he goes out drinking with work mates? It doesn't make sense, you can be in your own home with the children while he is out

This is exactly what I thought. Which means I don't understand the actual problem that has triggered the OP.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/02/2020 11:31

He sounds like an arse. You sound like a hero for ebf-ing twins, ebf-ing one at a time is a struggle for me sometimes!

What is your financial position? Can you afford to put him in a travel lodge and hire a night nanny to help you when he has these big nights out?

I agree with a pp that based on his response he seems unlikely to have an epiphany where he realises he's being a total arse and steps up so if you can't/don't want to leave you'll have to find a way to take the pressure off a bit. Do you plan to return to work?

I suspect if you look back he's always been quite selfish, it's just that it doesn't matter so much when it's just the two of you. DC tend to bring selfish behaviour into pretty sharp focus.