To get annoyed at my husband not reducing social life since becoming a father?

[Cosmogirl86]

I genuinely need perspective on this because I know I'm angry right now and perhaps not thinking clearly. I have twins aged six months and my husband has just asked me to take them to my parents over night in few weeks so he can go out drinking, again. He recently got a new job so his colleagues are holding a leaving do for him - I assumed it'd be a few pints and home reasonably early but he wants an all nighter.

In the last six months he has been to three work dos that I can think of, three gigs (including one that involved him going to different city and staying over), a trip to Belgium and cinema trips.

My boys are ebf so I have managed to get out twice for two hours at a time. He said it's my choice to breastfeed so that's my issue.

I asked him why he even wants to go out so much and leave the babies over night, and he says I'm clingy and controlling mother because I don't want to leave them. He offered to book a hotel for valentines night and I was shocked he thinks that I even want to leave my ebf overnight even if I could.

Am I clingy to my little babies? Is it normal for fathers to just continue social lives as normal?

Also for context I also have pnd, my parents live two hour drive away and my mum has dementia so I have little support without him, and no friends in the area as we moved home before they were born.

Why can't he just go out for one or two and then come back? Why does he want us gone? Should I want to leave them like he does?

He’s carrying on as if his life hasn’t changed.

What’s he like as a parent, when he is around? He sounds utterly selfish btw.

And for the record DH has had two separate nights away since they were born. I’ve had none. Considering the first one this year, and they’ll be almost 4 by then. Admittedly ours is a slightly different situation (they both have disabilities and it’s hard work) but still.

We’ve each had a few nights out but not in that first year and definitely not all nighters. Having twins is not like having one baby, especially if you’re breastfeeding (I was still pumping at your stage and that was brutal).

He sounds like he is almost unaware he's had children. Tbh I'd let him crack on and discreetly move out and see if he notices. I bet it would take him a few weeks to realise.

He’s been out 7 times in 6 months ? That’s not really that bad is it ?
I don’t get why he wants you gone so he can go out though ..
And it’s also not his fault you can’t go out for more than a couple of hours either as you’re breastfeeding,not him .
Tell him to stop going out of it bothers you and tell him you’re not leaving the house so he can go out .
Cheeky fuck

He's actually great apart from this. He does the majority of house work and cleaning as I just don't have time, and all nappy changes when he is home. The twins love him playing with them and he's very attentive usually. He just has this weird blind spot about socialising.

Massive well done for EBFing twins and that now their 6 months hopefully over the next few months whilst you introduce solids you’ll be able to get a bit more me time and if you decide to stay with this massive prick I would book yourself a lunch out, cinema trip followed by whatever the hell you want because clearly it’s in everyone’s best interest that you don’t ‘smother’

Op you say that you’ve moved home but your parents are 2 hours away, do you mean you’ve moved near his parents?

No. His parents are closer than mine but we moved to a completely different town from our families.

He’s a total arse. First six months with any baby is extremely intense. Cannot imagine twins. And does he appreciate the work that would be involved with bottle feeding twins (sterilising, prep etc)?

I personally think, especially in your situation, that both partners cannot reasonably expect more than the odd break for a couple of hours in those early months. And it’s not just the frequency of his socialising - it’s the scale. An all-night bender is just idiotic.

He wouldn’t be the first new dad not to grasp that things needed to change for him too. Me and my husband had a bumpy time over similar, albeit on a much lesser scale. (I got slated on here when I posted.)

He needs to change. I don’t know how you make that happen. I know me and my husband had some pretty rough conversations and arguments.

@Cosmogirl86 He’s using pretty common tactics on you (not that he’ll be clever enough to realise it’s what he’s doing but it’s textbook).

I told him how annoyed I am and he texted his work mates saying he's not allowed to go

Allowed? Bullshit. He’s a grown man and can do what he wants. What he’s trying to do is get what he wants with your blessing so he can turn round later and say that he always asked if you were okay with him going out. bollocks to that, if he wants to do whatever he wants then he has to own behaving like the responsibility dodging waster that he is. Remember what he really wants permission for is for hurting you.

So now they think I'm a nagging harpy

I’m confident that his friends will barely give it a moments thought. Drinking buddy dynamics usually mean the group will just carry on with whoever is there. Your DP is the only one who actually cares he is there, he doesn’t want to miss out but his friends won’t be sitting there pining for him.

Even if you are a nagging harpy - bloody right you are. You have twins with this man and expect him to be an adult and step up never mind putting some effort into his relationship with you. Is his boss a nag for expecting him to turn up to work? No, that’s how life is.

You really need to start reframing these scenarios to reflect what is actually happening rather than allowing yourself to be cowed into an emotional corner by him.

And that blind spot is familiar. I think they’re used to the situation where, if you work hard, whether at paid work or around the house, you get a good break to compensate. Seems to take a long time for the penny to drop that there is no down time with babies.

He’s been out 7 times in 6 months ? That’s not really that bad is it ?

When you have twins and your partner is asking you for support? Yes I think it is actually.

I can’t imagine waltzing off for nights away knowing my partner hadn’t had a break for months and was uneasy at the prospect of not having any support.

His role for the foreseeable is to be sharing the load not looking out for himself no matter how that affects anyone else.

I would find is suspicious if my dp asked me to make myself scarce Op you can say no that’s not happening don’t let him lay the law down! Your feelings are important too not just his 💐

all night benders stop nine months after you remove the condom. Yes, there's still socialising, but not like that.

and only fools book Valentines night/weekend for dates/hotels. Go the week before or the week after, better service at half the price.