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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's stupid for parents to supply alcohol for 16yo birthday parties

59 replies

StorminNormin · 09/02/2020 08:20

DD is in y11, preparing for her GCSEs. Her small circle of friends are gradually turning 16, and birthday party invitations are now coming with messages from parents ... they will be supplying alcohol and do we want them to make sure our DCs are excluded don't have any?

Last time I checked, the law said it was ok for parents to supply alcohol with a meal ... but I assumed it meant to their own kids, not others. I started drinking at 16 but it wasn't supplied by parents ... we were getting away with looking 18 in pubs or inviting older boys to parties, who arrived with illicit bottles of cider.

These are fit, healthy, bright kids who don't need alcohol to have a good time and wouldn't miss it if it wasn't there. The last thing they need in the run up to their exams is a weekend hangover. So why are parents encouraging them to think you can't have a "grown up" party without it?

OP posts:
bigchris · 09/02/2020 08:22

It's just how it is now, it's still supervised, all you Can do is warn your child to be sensible

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2020 08:26

It's not something I can get worked up about. Many kids will be drinking at age 16, better to do it under parental supervision. If you don't want your children to have any then say no.

Their exams aren't until May/June, no? I don't think one day in February with a hangover will affect their exams.

hopeishere · 09/02/2020 08:40

I think it's better that parents are supplying and monitoring it than kids sneaking it in and drinking all sorts.

You admit you started drinking a the same age Confused

lanthanum · 09/02/2020 08:44

If they're going to be supervising sufficiently to make sure that those whose parents have said no don't get any, then it doesn't sound like they're going to be supplying enough for them to get drunk. They've checked with other parents - and made it clear they'll be present, which is reassuring with or without supplied alcohol! Not a big deal, I think. I rarely drink alcohol, but I wouldn't have a problem with that for my daughter. i don't think anyone needs to have alcohol to have a good time, but a glass of bubbly for a special celebration is fair enough.

I guess the problem is for any kids whose parents say no - so this sort of invite might be rather insensitive if there are kids from ideologically teetotal families. If parents know each other, then sounding out before the invitations might be sense.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/02/2020 09:12

Alcohol has become the norm for many so the children see it as part of life.

We rarely have any in so it wouldn’t occur to ours to ask for it at a party. They know it’s bad for their health, makes you feel unwell after etc. I’m not naive to think they won’t ever drink but I didn’t want them ever thinking it was the norm or that you need it to enjoy yourself.

I’d not be happy with it at a party at 16

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 09:18

Difficult area really.
They will drink in the park or down the beaches if you make a thing of it.

Last day of school there is a mass party locally for two large schools. The police patrol the area and remove alcohol from those who have over indulged.

It’s safer to have them all in one known location.

Those who have never been allowed to drink alcohol came off much worse than those who’s parents allowed some alcohol. There’s a fair number of religious groups who never drink. Those children were carried home.

Drinking responsibly should be the message and children eased into it, rather than them thinking a full bottle of spirits is fine.

CripsSandwiches · 09/02/2020 09:29

If it's all supervised I don't think I'd mind personally. Better to have a few beers at a friend's party than have someone sneak in bottles of vodka to an empty house.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/02/2020 09:32

I’d rather they experimented with booze at 16/17 if they wanted to than suddenly hitting uni at 18 and going mad. DD is in her first year and says she can tell who had the really strict parents.

1066vegan · 09/02/2020 09:49

I think 16 is a really difficult age to parent (especially when others are involved). They're not yet adults but you can't treat them like children either.

dd wanted alcohol at her 16th party (apparently it would be very embarrassing if it wasn't allowed) and we spent a long time trying to decide whether to agree or not.

In the end we provided a couple of drinks for her and said that we wouldn't provide drinks for her friends but they could bring their own if their parents allowed them to. We did stipulate no spirits. It was only a small party so quite easy to monitor. One girl did bring a bottle of wine, drink most of it herself and was sick; the rest were fine.

They seemed more interested in having instagrammable pictures of themselves holding alcohol (presumably to show how grown up they were and what fun they were having) then in drinking loads of the stuff.

It's a shame that alcohol is seen as being synonymous with having a good time.

maddy68 · 09/02/2020 09:52

Better for them to supply it (and regulate the quantity bought ) than they all bring it in and get mortaled

Howdidido · 09/02/2020 09:52

Would you rather they experimented with alcohol like you did or supervised and limited?

KatherineJaneway · 09/02/2020 09:55

I'd rather they had supervised access to alcohol than sneak around and get leg less and possibly get into trouble by their own devices.

BrokenWing · 09/02/2020 10:01

At 16 your dds friends will be experimenting with alcohol when not supervised, either now or very soon. You primary concern is how your dd feels about the party, honestly how she feels about drinking and does she want to go? Is she comfortable enough to say no around alcohol (either completely or after a small amount), for her to know what responsible social drinking at a party is vs teenage bingeing in the street. What to do if she or any of her friends ever get into trouble/ill.

She needs to be aware of the risks and levels of alcohol in different drinks (can strongbow dark fruits 1.8 vs can dragon soup 4 units + caffeine) and be confident enough with come backs when others challenge her not drinking add much as them.

If she avoids these situations rather that learn her boundaries she'll be very lonely. If she is strong enough to openly stick to her limits there will be others in her group that will follow her lead.

pourmorewine · 09/02/2020 10:03

I also think that it's better for young people to learn how to limit alcohol under supervision.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/02/2020 10:11

Better than them drinking in a park somewhere. Or at a party with no adult supervision.

Sparkle567 · 09/02/2020 10:13

So you would rather they did what you did instead?

Don’t let your child go then if you’re that bothered.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/02/2020 10:13

Making the GCSEs seem so important that they couldn't risk having a day off at the weekend is probably far more damaging.

PickettBowtruckles · 09/02/2020 10:13

I don’t think this is a new thing. At my 16th birthday 10 years ago my parents did the same, as did all my friends parents. The alcohol was those fruity alcopop things rather than vodka etc, but we’d all have a few bottles of those at someone’s 16th. No one would be ‘drunk’ and parents were there to keep an eye on us but it was very much the norm to have at a 16th.

cologne4711 · 09/02/2020 10:17

I think providing enough for say two drinks each and preventing the kids bringing their own is ok. But permitting a free for all, supervised or not, is just silly.

Kids can learn to drink alcohol at family occasions eg a beer with a meal, it's not really necessary to learn at parties.

I don't agree with the prevailing wisdom that teens are going to do things anyway so you make it easy for them.

Deadposhtory · 09/02/2020 10:20

I've done it since my eldest was 14/15 but I'm teetotal and allowed mine to taste alcohol from a young age just as I was when growing up.
Strangely enough all my siblings are teetotal too

Usesomecaution · 09/02/2020 10:22

This is where Pimms comes into its own! Lowish in alcohol, a long drink and even some of their ‘5 a day’ Wink

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 10:25

I remember teen parties where there was minimal alcohol, eg a few cans of lager and a punch made by mum. Kids smuggled in extra stuff. It has always been so. As long as the parents are there and make sure nobody over imbibes, why worry. I entirely agree that no one needs booze to enjoy but young people will try it regardless of what parents think.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 10:27

It's a shame that alcohol is seen as being synonymous with having a good time

How else would they associate alcohol?

Comefromaway · 09/02/2020 10:29

I allow my son to have a small drink at home and when dd went to stay with a friend on holiday at the same age I allowed her to have a drink with their family at mealtimes.

Ds has attended several 16th parties recently. The last one the parents provided alcohol then left the house. My son felt uncomfortable with what was happening and phoned me to come get him.

Yesterday I hosted 20 odd 15-16 year olds for ds’s 16th. From a school in an area with not the best reputation. I decided I was not going to be responsible for other people’s kids. It was strictly no alcohol and I reserved the right to check bags.

Ds said it was his best party ever. The kids had a great time. I provided mostly cans of coke, 7up & J20’s. There was not a scrap of trouble.

1066vegan · 09/02/2020 10:31

*It's a shame that alcohol is seen as being synonymous with having a good time

How else would they associate alcohol?*

I probably should have written that the other way round: it's a shame that having a good time is seen as being synonymous with having alcohol ie people think that they can't go out and enjoy themselves without having a drink.

To answer the question about how else they should associate alcohol, then I suppose they could associate it with hangovers, embarrassing photos that follow you around on social media, poor decision making, getting intimate with people that you'd never be intimate with otherwise, throwing up, unnecessary risk taking etc etc