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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DH doesn't need to lie with out 5 year olds for hours....

75 replies

Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 19:25

Just feeling really frustrated. We have very nearly 5 year old twins and when doing bedtime my DH insists on lying with them every time until they fall asleep - always at least an hour. I think bathtime, lovely stories, then a quiet talk about the day plus cuddles for a short time is sufficient. They aren't distressed, if I come down they are always asleep within 10 mins. They don't struggle to fall asleep or cry, they have each other (same bed) to snuggle and are entirely neurotypical. Surely at least some evenings he could come down a bit quicker and we could have a bit more quality time. We haven't left them since they were born. I would love a night away but he won't entertain leaving them. Sorry. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 22:03

Yes in 5 years we haven't haven't been apart from the children. We don't have any family nearby. We do everything as a family, we do eat out, go out, do lots of fun things but as a family, not alone as a couple, since they were born.

OP posts:

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 22:04

I would worry that the children is an excuse to not have to deal with any issues in the relationship. Who doesn’t want to go out with their partner for 5 years?
Children are an easy way to avoid any kind of relationship issues. And you can keep that shit going for 20 years at least

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 22:04

There are things called babysitters

Original poster

Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 22:05

We have been talking about it tonight and have agreed that when my mum next visits we will do the cinema on one night and a meal on another night!

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/02/2020 22:06

I used to love lying with mine. It was a lovely quiet patch in a non stop day of work and childcare.

Original poster

Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 22:07

Aside from this our relationship is what I would describe as good - we laugh a lot, affectionate and intimate, we have lots of talk about and we respect and love each other. I just think it is now time to shift a bit and give us some more time. He agrees. We should have talked about it sooner.

OP posts:

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 22:12

Good outcome
Well done

pallisers · 08/02/2020 22:18

I suppose I feel like our relationship isn't prioritised and I feel a bit resentful.

I think this is your problem. Have you really not been out together for dinner in 5 years! That is pretty hard.

We didn't get out much when ours were young because we had no family nearby and not much money. But we did get out occasionally. What we also did was on Friday nights, we'd put the children to bed and then have a steak/nice dinner/glass of wine and watch a movie together or talk or play cards.

I know it sounds trite but you need to explain to your husband that the absolute best thing he can give his children is a good nurturing engaged relationship with their mother. They will take all their cues on relationships from what is going on in your home. If they see him wanting to spend time with you, valuing you, engaged with you - then it is more likely they will chose men who do the same for them.

All our children are away at university now. It is just the two of us again looking at each other. I'm glad we still like each other and didn't neglect our relationship with each other during the years in the trenches of child rearing.

Maybe start with suggesting to him you have one night where you go out or eat dinner in together just the two of you?

pallisers · 08/02/2020 22:18

just saw your updates - great stuff

Jossina · 08/02/2020 22:37

I hope he'll take on more house work too.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/02/2020 22:37

Well dh and I haven't had a night away since dd born 8 years ago ... I think that's normal unless you have willing family. But not a day off together or an evening? That's really poor. Surely you can go out one evening once the kids are in bed? Ask a friend to babysit?

We have at least several times a year when dh and I go out for lunch or evening out. It does matter.

Yanbu about the lie down .. a whole hour every evening is too much if you're run ragged.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/02/2020 22:38

That's a good update. Well done op!

Yeahnah2020 · 09/02/2020 00:44

Suggest turn about. Then you’ll know if it’s all about you just doing the chores while he gets to lie down. I suspect this is the reality.

Thehop · 09/02/2020 01:22

I can’t believe how many people are surprised they’ve never had a sitter. We don’t either.

I’m fine with it though, I don’t want to leave them....sounds like you do. I’d organise a night out or away or whatever. Sounds like dh happy enough with the children!

Thehop · 09/02/2020 01:23

Cinema and dinner sounds lovely.

grisen · 09/02/2020 05:31

I’m shocked at the 5 years without a night off. Our son is 1 and we have no family near by and just a handful of friends who are willing to help and we take the time off together all the time!

FraglesRock · 09/02/2020 08:10

If he was dodging tidying up then I'd wait until he came down to start.

And set one night a week as date night and he has to be downstairs by x o'clock with reminders to prioritise your relationship. And no housework that night

Lazydaisydaydream · 09/02/2020 08:14

@Comeoncomeonreally sorry but had to chuckle at you saying they are five and won't want him to do it for much longer.... My mum used to lie in my bed with me while I fell asleep right up until I moved out of home . No I didn't need her there to fall asleep, but it was lovely.

I reckon he's just enjoying the rest and quiet time with them! Hire a cleaner and spend that hour putting your feet up.

underneaththeash · 09/02/2020 08:22

OP I'd worry that he'd be setting them up for problems getting to sleep in the future.

@Lazydaisydaydream I can't believe your mother did that...

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 09/02/2020 08:25

He is just getting out of chores. Fuck that.

Winter2020 · 09/02/2020 08:25

When my son was 3/4 he was quite happy to go to sleep in his own bed by story/kiss/cuddle/"night night" and off I go. If my husband did bedtime he would want to stay until my son had fallen asleep or he fell asleep himself. I tried to discourage it as I think if you do it too often the child that would quite happily settle to sleep alone will come to rely on it making it difficult if there are things you need to do or you are not available. I have "baby sat" for young teen that needed to be read to until they fell asleep and it took well over an hour. Self settling to sleep as a child is an important skill. Fine to cuddle to sleep now and then but better if they are not reliant on it.

Newmetoday · 09/02/2020 08:32

christiangreysanatomy

Or maybe he misses his children when he’s out all day?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 09/02/2020 08:50

It’s a double bed, get up there with them all. Have a snooze, take your book, join in.

When you both go downstairs, don’t ask him to do stuff every time. Explain, once, that these are the things that always need doing and what you really need is for him to look around, on his own, see what needs doing, and get on with it. Not wait for you to organise him, you’re not his mother.

dottiedodah · 09/02/2020 08:55

If they are five then surely they are in School? Can DP meet you for lunch maybe . or can you have a day or two off work ? This seems cute and thoughtful but it is all too easy "To live for the children" at the detriment of your own relationship! At W/E maybe you could ask DGP to have them for a couple of hours ,while you catch a film or Lunch together . They will be of an age soon when they like doing activities on their own and you and DP need to regroup.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/02/2020 08:56

Why are you doing all the house stuff if you both work?

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