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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH doesn't need to lie with out 5 year olds for hours....

75 replies

Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 19:25

Just feeling really frustrated. We have very nearly 5 year old twins and when doing bedtime my DH insists on lying with them every time until they fall asleep - always at least an hour. I think bathtime, lovely stories, then a quiet talk about the day plus cuddles for a short time is sufficient. They aren't distressed, if I come down they are always asleep within 10 mins. They don't struggle to fall asleep or cry, they have each other (same bed) to snuggle and are entirely neurotypical. Surely at least some evenings he could come down a bit quicker and we could have a bit more quality time. We haven't left them since they were born. I would love a night away but he won't entertain leaving them. Sorry. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:
lengthenmylutealphase · 08/02/2020 19:58

I think he probably misses them when he's at work and this is his way of spending some time with them.

Shamazing · 08/02/2020 20:05

OP I did this with both of mine. They're 16 and 13 now and although still lovely - they spent so much time doing other things now, I'd love to go back to that time.

Could you compromise and take it night about?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2020 20:09

Actually, I think that Thunder has it. You are feeling the need of getting out, your DH isn't. In your place I'd do just that. Perhaps not a full night away (nothing wrong with that, though) but at the very least I'd go to the movies (movies solo are great!) or go out with friends for a few hours.

I wonder if you started going places by yourself if he'd soon realize what he was missing.

bobstersmum · 08/02/2020 20:13

Your dh sounds like a brilliant dad. I wish mine was like this!

alwayslearning789 · 08/02/2020 20:14

Just to say lovely to hear of a Dad who enjoys being with his kids in this way during the short time they are young...

Count your blessings OP

NarwhalsNarwhals · 08/02/2020 20:24

Does he doze off while laying with them by any chance?

category12 · 08/02/2020 20:32

Take a night away yourself - see mates/go to a show/go to a movie, stay in a hotel or with friends. No reason you have to wait for him to be ready.

Whatnameisgood · 08/02/2020 20:32

I’m surprised no one is more surprised that you haven’t been out together in five years! Sorry if I’ve misunderstood. Honestly, that strikes me as really unhealthy for your relationship. I don’t blame you for being a bit hurt that he doesn’t prioritise time with you more, specially as you say they are fine just having ten minutes of you lying with them and are then asleep when it’s you putting them to bed. If my DH were up there for an hour under those circumstances I’d feel pissed off too. I get that he might want to reconnect with them but can he limit it to, say, 30 minutes by way of compromise?

Sceptre86 · 08/02/2020 20:41

We take turns to do this with two year old ds. Dd is 3 nearly 4 and will go to sleep on her own with a kiss, cuddle and story. There are other ways he can spend time with the kids, boys day at the weekend for example. Not unreasonable for him to not want to leave them overnight, we haven't yet and have no plans too. Just have an open conversation about how you need his time too.

Concestor · 08/02/2020 20:46

It's an hour, so presumably 7-8 or 7.30-8.30? And you've then the rest of the evening together?
My DH has only just come downstairs from lying with our 5yo DS since 7.30 to get him to sleep. I do DD who is older and I got down about 10 minutes ago.
I don't see the problem.

lemonysnickett88 · 08/02/2020 20:46

Mine are 7,5 and 3 and we've always laid with them until they were asleep since they were born. It's only an hour, I think you're being a bit childish to be honest.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 08/02/2020 21:12

Somebody once told me that when children come along, you need to prioritise the time with your partner as much or more than you prioritise the time with your kids. Simply put, if the parents are happy in their marriage the children are happy themselves.

There must be an element of truth on that. Sometimes life revolves so much around the children that by the time you have some time together you no longer have anything to talk about.

eeyore228 · 08/02/2020 21:17

Hahaha I’m am starting to think that MN just thinks the worst of men. If he didn’t want to spend time with kids he’d get it in the neck. He works hard and enjoys those moments that some of us take for granted. I think people just seem to see the worst.

SiliconHeaven · 08/02/2020 21:20

Why do your twins share a bed OP?

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 21:36

@eeyore228
You’re ONLY just starting to think that!?

I swear if you copy and pasted the OP and reversed the roles it would be totally different

Curiosity101 · 08/02/2020 21:36

I just wish it wasn't every night as we don't get the time together. I also feel like the time could be better spent ie I run myself ragged doing all the house stuff but if he didn't spend so long up there he could help more with it?

Have you said this to him? It sounds like you probably have quite a good DH so I'd just explain this to him if you haven't already.

And as others have said, if you need to get out of the house and he doesn't then there's nothing wrong with that. Go out every now and again and have some fun.

swingchandelier · 08/02/2020 21:45

It’s not ‘cute’ and he’s not ‘a brilliant dad‘ for having a lay down for an hour each evening whilst you do all the work. If they fall asleep in ten minutes usually he’s either keeping them awake or laying there for 50 minutes whilst they’re sleeping.

You also don’t have to accept him de-prioritising you

swingchandelier · 08/02/2020 21:46

Also you’ve not been out together in 5 years?!! And don’t see each other in the evenings and he’s always working. Do you feel you’re in a proper relationship?

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 21:52

FIVE YEARS. Fuck I missed that
You’ve not been out in 5 years.

Jesus that’s awful.

Original poster
Comeoncomeonreally · 08/02/2020 21:55

They share a bed because they flatly refuse their own ones (they have their own but absolutely won't go in them, they sleep cuddled up in one double bed).

I do feel we have a relationship, I suppose I'm just longing for a night out / more focus on each other after 5 hrs of not having that.

I accept I am being ungrateful and unreasonable and am lucky with my DH but it was good to get the frustrations off my chest!

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 21:56

FIVE YEARS though
Not out once? I mean am I reading that right?

Bibijayne · 08/02/2020 21:57

I love cuddling my little boy before bed. Husband does too when he puts him down. It's a lovely way to bond quietly. Especially when time is limited.

If you need some grown up time. Explain that. But that doesn't mean this is a bad thing.

SallySun123 · 08/02/2020 22:00

Is it just that he doesn’t want to leave the children at night or have you not had any time together as a couple during the day time either over the last 5 years?

FuzzyAtmosphere · 08/02/2020 22:01

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

Bedtime cuddles is one of my favourite times with my four year old. I’m usually fairly shattered by that time so equally enjoy the rest.

How about weekends? Is there any scope for the two of you to spend some time together then?

Commonwasher · 08/02/2020 22:02

I would take them upstairs to bed and say over my shoulder ‘I’ll be a hour or so, so could you stack the dishwasher, iron the school uniforms and put the toys away while I deal with the kids.’

Then put them to bed and lie upstairs with a book for an hour.

I’m sure he’ll take the point...