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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not like my mother touching me?

33 replies

Gone2far · 08/02/2020 16:36

I'm in my 60s, and my mother is almost 90.
I visit fortnightly - we are 2 hours away. It's fine (ish) and we kiss and have a hug. But she always gets up really close to me, stares deep into my eyes, and makes some comment about my appearance. She feels my clothes (as in, rubs the fabric between her fingers), and/or my skin and comments about my glasses, or my make up.
TBH it freaks me out. And she knows it. After the last visit, she called me at 11.30pm in tears saying how sad she was that I didn't like it and that she doesn't see her grandchildren.
So, I apologise. My upbringing has always been to 'never upset your mother'. But surely she should respect MY feelings too. Plus my children go to some inconvenience to visit her.
Any AIBU?

OP posts:

RositaEspinosa · 08/02/2020 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2020 16:39

How is her eyesight?

StillbreathingStillhere · 08/02/2020 16:39

Well if that is how you feel then I guess YANBU to want boundaries but it's your mum FFS. Is there a backstory? I feels sorry for her.

TheMustressMhor · 08/02/2020 16:39

How can it be that she doesn't see her grandchildren and at the same time, your children (her grandchildren) go to some inconvenience to see her?

It can't be both.

RositaEspinosa · 08/02/2020 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Gone2far · 08/02/2020 16:44

because they DO see her, but not enough (hardly surprising, as they are all in their 30s, and live some distance away)
no, her eyesights fine.
sometimes positive, sometimes negative comments.

OP posts:

HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 16:44

I'm the same. I hate being touched too much. It makes me cringe.

Should OP and I pretend to like it?

KipperBang · 08/02/2020 16:47

Yes you probably should put up with it tbh. Try and limit it physically if you're that bothered but it's your very elderly mum so I'd be inclined to say grit your teeth and get on with it for the short time you're there. Hardly an assault is it?

RositaEspinosa · 08/02/2020 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunbeams · 08/02/2020 16:51

She's nearly 90, you're in your 60s. Haven't you ever set your boundaries? My mum was the same but from the perspective I was always considered "her baby" and she wanted me to look smart, ( I was nearly always a great disappointment). She recently passed away and I'd do anything to have a chat with her again. Good luck x
Can you explain to your mum that you love her but you don't feel comfortable with tactile displays all the time? You're a grown woman now and can make your own choices in clothes, make-up and the way you want to present yourself?

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2020 17:23

I'm the same. I hate being touched too much. It makes me cringe.

Should OP and I pretend to like it?

Dunno about you but as the OP only sees her 90 year old mum every two weeks, I'd put up with it personally rather than see her in tears.

itsamood · 08/02/2020 18:08

Is this for real? She’s in her 90s.

Unless there’s a massive backstory then give her a break.

catwithnohat · 08/02/2020 18:09

I wish my mum was still alive to touch me

ScurrilousSquirrel · 08/02/2020 18:16

I totally get this, OP.

My mother used to do this and it has always made me feel so scrutinised. It took me 30 years to train her not to hug me and even longer to learn how to let her constant criticism blow past me.

Her feelings don't actually trump yours just because she's older (and more manipulative?)

goldenorbspider · 08/02/2020 18:22

Her feelings don't actually trump yours just because she's older (and more manipulative?)

^ this I'm not tactile and if I am it has to be on my terms. I hate people in my personal space or touching me.

Tombakersscarf · 08/02/2020 18:30

My family weren't very tactile and I think touching clothes (picking a thread off your top, straightening your hood) was a way of being close. I didn't like it much, these days I hug but it still doesn't feel easy - however now I have children (and no dm) I totally get the desire to be in physical contact with your dc, they spent so long all over me and there are times when I said I could eat them up that I pretty much meant it
Maybe you could try more/longer hugs with your mum and keep her away from the facial thing?

Fivetillmidnight · 08/02/2020 18:36

No of course you shouldn't allow anything you feel uncomfortable with nowadays isn't that the mantra ? I don't agree .

No you Tony put up with inappropriate touching of a sexual nature , of course not . However in the case of a 90 yr old with her own daughter I would guess she just wants some human touch..

How will you feel in the not too distant future when she is no longer around to 'invade your personal space'

When did we all become so self absorbed, putting the touch of an elderly parent behind a moment of our own discomfort . ?

Usingmyindoorvoice · 08/02/2020 18:36

I don’t know if you are or are not being unreasonable, but I guess she’s facing the fact her time is running out, and she’s trying to ‘ drink you in’ for want of a better expression.
The older you get, the less you get touched, unless by ‘professionals’ I’m dreading that phase of my life.
Out of interest, do feel the same way if your adult children touch you?

thistimelastweek · 08/02/2020 18:37

I think I get where the UP is coming from. This behaviour suggests a sense of ownership and no-one likes that.
On the other hand no-one wants to be unkind to an old person (or to be left with regrets).
Best advice is to try to put some coping mechanisms in place and put up with it best you can.

Frownette · 08/02/2020 18:38

I wouldn't like that either. Is she lonely?

Rosebel · 08/02/2020 18:47

You only visit once a fortnight, I would just put up with it. Your mum probably won't be around for much longer and once she's gone you might wish you'd been more tolerant. I'd hate to think I'd made my mum sad.

Babdoc · 08/02/2020 18:50

Difficult one, as it’s impossible to please both of you.
I understand where your elderly mum is coming from- I’ve been widowed for 28 years and am definitely “ touch hungry” , as I don’t have physical contact with anyone apart from my grown up DC.
As my DC are autistic, they were very reluctant to hug, and I’ve had to accept that and not push into their personal space. But recently my younger DD spontaneously hugged me and I almost cried, it was so nice! Elder DD has been getting better about contact for some years, and now often gives me a hug when she arrives to visit.
Maybe you could give your mum a hug first, so you’re in control and can break it off as soon as you feel uncomfortable, OP? Or tell her that you’re not a touchy feely person, but you know it means a lot to her so you’re always willing to give her a quick hug when you meet?

SpeedofaSloth · 08/02/2020 18:52

YANBU OP, I get it. I couldn't bear my own mother touching me TBH.

DessertQueen · 08/02/2020 18:54

YANBU. You’re getting a bit of a rough time of it here imo. Not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their parents and wants to be tactile with them whether they’re old or not. I certainly don’t and you won’t get anyone making me feel guilty about it either. Only you know what the situation is really and if you’re uncomfortable with it you’re allowed to put a stop to it.

redcarbluecar · 08/02/2020 18:56

This made my heart lurch a bit. I feel similarly about my mum. She is a great mum but has never been very touchy feely, so I feel awkward (and a bit conflicted) about physical contact now even though, in old age, which can feel lonely and isolating, she would probably welcome its reassurance. I don’t know what you should do, but can certainly appreciate the difficulty. Maybe if there’s a way to stop at the hug and kiss? And show love in whatever other way you can.

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