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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do blues

41 replies

Anonywony · 08/02/2020 15:58

Hello, I’m just looking for some advice really, an old friend is getting married this year and the hen do has been arranged for 3 days outside of the uk, when it first came up I knew I would struggle as I don’t like flying, I don’t like being away from home and don’t like the idea of not seeing my little one for basically 4 days (flights are very early morning and then back late at night) i agreed to go and have paid my part but now it’s getting closer I really really don’t want to go. I hate the idea of being in a different country to my little one and not seeing him for all that time, plus I don’t like social situations anyway especially big groups. Sharing an apartment with people I don’t know which I find really awkward as well. I don’t know what to do!! Part of me things I’ve committed now so need to just grit my teeth and hope for the best but the bigger part of me thinks why am I doing something I so desperately don’t want to do! I’m having sleepless nights about it and I cry everytime I think about not seeing my little one for that amount of time! It’s over a weekend too and working full time and long hours means I don’t get much time with them anyway! Any advice would be appreciated :-)

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/02/2020 16:04

If you can make it so no-one else is out of pocket for you not going, ie if apartment is divided between you, would be unfair to increase their costs, ywnbu.

mencken · 08/02/2020 16:19

pity you didn't grow the proverbial pair at the start because this sounds like you'll have no fun at all.

time to grow that pair now and explain, and drop out. You'll need to absorb any costs but there is no point going on a trip you will hate.

3 day hen do? did no-one in the wolrd ever get married before?

Cheesypea · 08/02/2020 16:31

Are you depressed op? How old is your child? Sometimes we need to prioritise our own mental health a good friend would understand this.speak to her if you can and bow out if you have too x

Original poster
Anonywony · 08/02/2020 16:32

As I have already paid the full amount for everything (flight accommodation and activities) I am assuming it wouldn’t mean anyone else’s costs changing?

OP posts:
Cheesypea · 08/02/2020 17:03

Drop out- tell your friend that you cant manage it and please get some psychologial support. Mencken op clearly doesnt have any bollocks and may be suffering from pnd and is clearly fragile.

DrManhattan · 08/02/2020 17:12

Erm not sure you need counselling or psychotherapy because you dont want to go to a hen do?
You are allowed to change your mind.
You dont know how you are gonna feel when you agree to these things. Dont feel bad

northernknickers · 08/02/2020 17:19

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable here. Just explain (and be truthful!) how anxious this is making you, that you got carried away in the whole 'wedding excitement' when you first agreed to go, but now realise how it is actually just not your cup of tea. As long as nobody else has to bear any financial hardship (which you've explained won't be the case), then you'll be ok. It won't affect anybody else.

For what it's worth, this kind of 'do' would be my idea of a living hell! And no, I'm neither depressed or a fun-sponge...I simply don't enjoy communal type holidays, where I'd be required to share a bedroom with someone I hardly know (or even a friend, tbh!). And all that forced communal 'fun' would tip me over the edge quite honestly!

This isn't everyone's idea of a fun weekend 😨

1066vegan · 08/02/2020 17:23

It's a shame as you've spent all that money, but at least it means that nobody else will be out of pocket so no reason to feel guilty. It sounds as if the whole thing will be really stressful; I completely understand why you don't want to go.

I think that you should definitely cancel and explain to your friend why you can't go. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Moltenpink · 08/02/2020 17:29

I once pulled out under similar circumstances and I do regret it now. Have you dreaded anything in the past but ended up enjoying yourself? You can FaceTime your little one. It’s also setting a good example for them to see you being independent. I totally understand how you feel though x

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 08/02/2020 17:32

I dont think you'd be unreasonable to not go, I hate hen do's too.

I be prepared to not get your money back though.....

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 08/02/2020 17:34

Just pull out. As long as you accept that the money is gone so you're not passing any additional costs onto others it's really not a big deal. It's certainly not worth making yourself a nervous wreck for!

99problemsandthecatis1 · 08/02/2020 17:43

As long as you aren't expecting money back I can't see it being an issue other than slightly disappointing the bride to be. If she's a good friend she should understand though.

Tellmetruth4 · 08/02/2020 17:49

How old is your child?

caketiger · 09/02/2020 02:04

That kind of hen do is my ideal of hell. Stay where you feel comfortable.

MiniGuinness · 09/02/2020 02:07

Why did you agree to it? And what did you think would change from booking to going?

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 09/02/2020 02:36

Eek. I'm torn, as I know exactly where you're coming from but on the other hand you booked it, so presumably you must have wanted to on some level?
So I'm not voting.
I don't think YABU or YANBU
It's hard when you have kids and not straight forward, whether it's childcare or mentally wanting to leave them.

jjjnnnnnrrssss · 09/02/2020 02:48

YANBU to not want to go, being away can be hard and not know people can make the experience feel worse. Just don't expect any refund. Planning large group trips can be hard and offering refunds will put others out of pocket.

MarthasGinYard · 09/02/2020 02:52

I was the same as you Op

I flew out with everyone but booked to come Bk after just 2 nights as didn't want to be away for such a long period.

Yeahnah2020 · 09/02/2020 06:59

I think (with kindness) you need to go and see someone to sort out your anxiety. Go and have fun.

namechanger2019 · 09/02/2020 07:03

I wouldn't go either. Sounds tacky and not fun at all.

londonrach · 09/02/2020 07:09

How old is your child. Its up to you re this hen do. If you dont want to go dont but make sure the others dont loose out financially. My dsis and i had a hen party (just over night in uk) when her dd was one year. You no idea how keen she was to go away. We had amazing weekend but just one night

orangejuicer · 09/02/2020 07:10

I'm not fragile and I HATE flying. Presumably you thought it would be ok and wanted to make the effort. Just pull out. See whether you can get any money back and if not then nevermind.

PND? Fucking hell judgemental much PP.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/02/2020 07:16

As others have said, stay home but perhaps just think before you book stuff away from your DC. It's not unreasonable to not want to be away from your child, it's unreasonable to let friends down, though.

TellySavalashairbrush · 09/02/2020 07:16

It would be my idea of hell too op. Totally get why you don’t want to go. If the apartment cost was due to be split, then it would be polite to pay your share, but other than that, you don’t owe anybody anything. Ignore less than helpful posters on here too.

OptimisticSix · 09/02/2020 07:24

I am also going on one of these type hen dos this year, for the first time and it's really not my sort of thing and I dislike flying too.... I don't know why I said yes, I think alcohol may have been involved. Anyway I said I would go so I am going and I'm trying to focus on the positives... Its a holiday, its somewhere I've never been, I do know one other person Grin Either way it'll be an experience I've never had, and probably never will again!

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