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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen do blues

41 replies

Anonywony · 08/02/2020 15:58

Hello, I’m just looking for some advice really, an old friend is getting married this year and the hen do has been arranged for 3 days outside of the uk, when it first came up I knew I would struggle as I don’t like flying, I don’t like being away from home and don’t like the idea of not seeing my little one for basically 4 days (flights are very early morning and then back late at night) i agreed to go and have paid my part but now it’s getting closer I really really don’t want to go. I hate the idea of being in a different country to my little one and not seeing him for all that time, plus I don’t like social situations anyway especially big groups. Sharing an apartment with people I don’t know which I find really awkward as well. I don’t know what to do!! Part of me things I’ve committed now so need to just grit my teeth and hope for the best but the bigger part of me thinks why am I doing something I so desperately don’t want to do! I’m having sleepless nights about it and I cry everytime I think about not seeing my little one for that amount of time! It’s over a weekend too and working full time and long hours means I don’t get much time with them anyway! Any advice would be appreciated :-)

OP posts:

Didntwanttochangemyname · 09/02/2020 07:29

How old is your child?

Have you spoken to the bride about it?

BetsyBigNose · 09/02/2020 07:38

I completely empathise @Anonywony, you really just have to do what's going to make you happiest - and cause you the least anxiety.

My Dis is getting married next year and she has asked me and 5 of her friends to be the 'Adult Bridesmaids', so we've recently been starting to come up with some ideas for her hen do. The plan at the moment is to fly to another European city (ostensibly) to watch a match of the Bride's favourite sport but in reality have a 3 day booze bender.

I have a few teeny, tiny issues with these plans:

I suffer from anxiety and am at my most anxious when flying.

I don't enjoy watching sport, it's really not my bag, but if this is what DSis wants, of course I would go.

I don't drink - haven't done in nearly 8 years, because I'm in recovery for alcoholism. This is common knowledge, so the Bride and BMs are aware of it.

I also have 2 DDs and would struggle to be in a different country to them, although we would all cope with FaceTime etc. just for a few days.

My health is very poor (14 weeks in hospital last year), but I have a big operation later this year, which should really help - but I'm going to struggle to get decent Travel Insurance, and even if I can get cover, it's likely to be £spendy.

I would have a chat with the Bride now and explain your anxieties about the trip, you could also ask the organiser if there would be any extra costs you'd need to pay if you were to cancel. This would buy you a little time whilst you consider what would be the best outcome for you. I'm sure the Bride would love to have you there, but if you spend the whole time sobbing in a corner and feeling miserable, I'm sure she would prefer to know you were safely at home, and happy!

Sally7645 · 09/02/2020 08:01

Could you not change your flight so you go for one or two nights instead?

The4thSandersonSister · 09/02/2020 08:05

Only two options I can see.

Suck it up and grit your teeth as it's all paid for and dropping out will have repercussions in your relationship. Learn to say no straight away to these kind of events in the future.

Write the money already spent off as a sunk cost, and be prepared for some blowback or disappointment from the Hen/Hen party.

I guess which one you choose will depend on just how much you don't want to go, or how much you don't want to disappoint. Balancing Act really.

notaskingforafriend · 09/02/2020 08:22

I was in a similar situation last year. I had a heart to heart with the bride about how anxious it was making me feel at the thought of going. She was lovely about it and understood because she is a good friend. No one should force you into doing something that causes you so much stress just because they are getting married.

Leflic · 09/02/2020 09:57

Sack it off. You don’t sound the least bit excited about going even to support your friend. I don’t think it sounds you’ll regret not going.

However I think crying because you won’t see your child for 4 days is a bit odd frankly. It’s expected behaviour to be anxious about leaving them and expected that you miss them a bit but you sound more upset than that.
What do you think will happen? Four days is half a week. Bit like going without food on a diet or giving up smoking sometimes you have to accept discomfort and get on with it for your own good. Your child is it’s own person too. I think it’s good if they can see leave and then return.

HeyMac · 09/02/2020 10:02

How old is your child?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/02/2020 10:04

Dont go, it sounds an absolute nightmare. I would rather poke a stick in my eye

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2020 10:14

Why did you agree to go if you don't actually want to?

CakeandCustard28 · 09/02/2020 10:17

Stay home. But try and make it a habit in future if your not happy to do something, you say first rather than agree to go and ingore the “it’s strange to cry because you won’t see your child for 4 days” comments, Everyone’s different.

Original poster

Anonywony · 09/02/2020 10:51

Thanks for the messages, I think when it was booked I felt obliged even though I knew it was not my cup of tea then I just went along with it thinking I could grit my teeth and get in with it but now it’s getting closer it’s just making me feel so rubbish I think do I really need to put myself through all of this! Surely the the most important part is being at the wedding, I know pulling out would take a huge weight off my shoulders.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonywony · 09/02/2020 10:58

To clarify money is not the issue and I wouldn’t leave anyone out of pocket or expect anything back, and as per above I didn’t feel I had much choice when it was first booked- I have had no to 3 other hen do’s like this in the past but this time I felt more obliged as it’s an older friend. Lots of good advice thank you.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 09/02/2020 11:17

Let them know Op

You will feel immediate relief

Original poster

Anonywony · 09/02/2020 20:18

Well thank you everyone I’ve decided I’m going to tell her tomorrow, and my other friend who has organised it, I am terrified for the reaction but I will have to deal with whatever that may be. I really hope they understand, time will tell.....thanks for all the advice it’s really appreciated xx

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 09/02/2020 20:27

Seems a shame.

ForestYeti · 09/02/2020 20:59

You are absolutely not being unreasonable not wanting to go and I totally get not wanting to be in a different country to your dc as it’s something I wouldn’t do either

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