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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed at teachers for this

28 replies

Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 20:46

My 4yo has been saying all week that he has no friends... I know this to be false as I drop him every morning and see him run off with his mates.

One day this week he was distraught because he had nobody to play with at lunchtime, he sat by himself on the steps somewhere all through the break. When I pushed him on why, he said his 2 mates had been given a new buddy each and he wasn't allowed to play with them.

I asked the school the next day and they said he could join in and would tell him this.

Anyway I checked with one of the mates parents who said the previous week a game between some of the boys had got a bit out of hand so the teacher split them all up. As far as I can tell my DS wasn't involved in it but his friends were (teacher hasn't raised any concerns about his behaviour).

I'm absolutely raging that my child has lost his 2 friends. The boys still won't play with him as they're under the impression they're not allowed and obviously don't want to get in any more trouble.

My DS and the 2 boys always play together, could the teachers not have given my DS a buddy too... Or added some calmer kids to the group as a whole? It really feels like my child is being punished. Not only that, removing friends seems like a really draconian and cruel punishment for 4/5 year olds.

I've told DS to go and play with anyone he wants, just join in whatever game they're playing. He did this today with some other boys he doesn't usually play with. But he's not been himself this week and has been really down about it.

Am I overreacting or is this a really bizarre punishment? Would really appreciate options from any teachers on here of you're reading

OP posts:
DippyAvocado · 07/02/2020 20:47

You need to speak to the teachers to get a proper account of what happened. You should let them know that he has been upset about it.

BecauseReasons · 07/02/2020 20:47

Speak to the teachers again and tell them what you've found out so that they can tell the other boys that they're allowed to play with your son. Kids get their wires crossed all the time.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 20:51

I've already discussed with the teacher. They won't tell me about other people's kids, apparently mine isn't in trouble and can join the other pairings

Just seems really call to leave 1/3 boys on his own

OP posts:
MrsLJ2014 · 07/02/2020 20:51

I'm a teacher and I don't stop children from playing with whoever they choose. They might get a quick sanction for bad behaviour, e.g. 5 mins indoors thinking about their behaviour. I do stop children from being together in class, maybe because they are too chatty or silly together but would not stop them from being with friends at playtimes

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 20:51

Really cruel**

OP posts:
cansu · 07/02/2020 20:53

You are clearly not getting the right story here so before you get upset you need to ask the teachers what happened and explain that your son doesn't have anyone to play with.

Africa2go · 07/02/2020 20:53

Yes, you're overreacting. Raging? As pps have said, speak to teacher if you must but its going to be a long 7 years whilst your child is at primary school.

SparkleTwinkleShine · 07/02/2020 20:55

YABU to be raging.

Pomegranateseeds · 07/02/2020 20:56

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It's entirely normal to separate certain friends if there is trouble. You have no idea what has happened; it maynot be a big deal, or they may be something else going on with one or two of the other boys. You spoke to the school and they said they would tell your son to join in... I mean you could remind them or let them know it's still upsetting him? But in all honesty this sort of very minor drama between 4/5 year olds is usually over v quickly.

Urkiddingright · 07/02/2020 20:56

You’re definitely overreacting and you need to learn not to get so involved because honestly, friendship issues throughout primary school are a total minefield. It only gets worse.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 20:59

Okay so my child is upset, so that's riled me up. Mummy instincts have gone into overdrive Grin But any opinions on the actual form of punishment?

@MrsLJ2014 thank you, I did think it was odd as I was lead to believe that time outs were the usual form of punishment. I'm not a teacher but I would have thought a more effective method might have been introducing a few calmer kids to the group during a supervised activity. There's 2 teachers and 4 TA's so I'm sure they've got the man power

OP posts:
Littlewelshridinghood · 07/02/2020 21:00

Have another word with the teacher, some kids take things to heart, they very well may have been separated due to an incident and it may have only been for a short period of time but perhaps the other two boys still may think they're not to play with each other. Don't get yourself wound up about it OP.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 21:01

Just to be clear, I'm not fussed if my DS never plays with the boys again, he will eventually make other friends. My concern is that he is the one that seems to have isolated as a punishment

OP posts:
SquashedOrange · 07/02/2020 21:06

So two children (who are obviously not a good influence on eachother) have been encouraged to make new friendships, why is that cruel? It doesn't sound like it would have been a great friendship group anyway.

Your child hasn't been told not to play with anyone? Why are you raging? Why don't you just say your son has been feeling a bit lost friendship wise and can they do anything to help?

SquashedOrange · 07/02/2020 21:10

But any opinions on the actual form of punishment?

I don't think it is a punishment though? Some children have just been encouraged to make new friends.

SparkleTwinkleShine · 07/02/2020 21:11

Teachers and TAs don’t usually supervise lunchtime play. This would be the lunchtime supervisors so ‘manpower’ isn’t as straightforward as you are imagining.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2020 21:14

I think you should leave the previous situation, but speak to the teacher about your ds being sad because he's having trouble finding a friend to play with. That is the real issue here, and the teacher should be able to help.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 21:16

@SquashedOrange

So you think it's okay to isolate a child from his only two friends despite him not being involved in the incident?

The other two kids aren't being punished as they have someone else to play with. My kid has been left on his own with no idea why. He was calling his eyes out that he's got no friends because they're not allowed to play with him. That doesn't sound like a punishment to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/02/2020 21:18

Thanks @Stompythedinosaur. We have parents evening coming up so I'll definitely be asking about it - (in a much calmer way than I am now of course!

OP posts:
Pomegranateseeds · 07/02/2020 21:20

I also don't think it sounds like a punishment at all. It's just a little bit of normal, mild school social engineering.
Is there anything stopping your aon from saying to the teacher "I'm sad because..... won't play with me"? That's often how I become aware of playground friendship issues.

Pomegranateseeds · 07/02/2020 21:22

When he's crying, do you say "no, x is wrong, he is allowed to play with you. If he still says no, you need to tell a teacher"..?

ActualHornist · 07/02/2020 21:23

I think you need to take a step back.

The punishment wasn’t that your son was isolated. The punishment was that two boys were separated, and they have somehow come to the conclusion that if they can’t play together, then they can’t play with your son either. This is pretty normal for children to get the wrong end of the stick.

Go back to the teacher, explain your son feels excluded, and although you know that wasn’t his intention, can he let the other boys know they can of course play with whoever they like but that they need to stay away from the one person that is annoying them?

They’re 4 and 5 year olds, they take things to heart and misinterpret. You should be able to be a bit calmer though!

1066vegan · 07/02/2020 21:25

It sound like 2 boys who were frequently getting into trouble have been split up. To prevent them being on their own, they have each been given a new buddy.

I doubt very much that other children, including your ds, have been told that they can't play with these 2 boys. The 2 boys can't play with each other; the rest of the class play with anyone they want to.

It doesn't seem like a punishment and I can't see anything wrong with it.

SquashedOrange · 07/02/2020 21:25

OP You said the teacher told your DS he can play with who he likes?

To repeat what I said before... Why don't you just say your son has been feeling a bit lost friendship wise and can they do anything to help?

I give up now anyway, good luck with getting it sorted.

Choice4567 · 07/02/2020 21:25

But he hasn't been isolated. The teacher has told you that he is allowed to play with the boys. If it's confusing your son or the other 2 (which would be understandable) then you need to explain it to the teacher. And remind your son that his teacher has said he can play with whoever he chooses