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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never a “right” time to have a baby

43 replies

Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:30

My fiancé is dead set on there being a “right time” for babies to come into the picture... speaking to people, there’s been a few who’ve said there isn’t a right time... I’m babbling here...

Right time to have babies, or nah? 🥴

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 07/02/2020 19:36

Not sure if there's ever a right time.

But

In a happy, stable relationship. Married for extra security.

Financially comfortable. Babies aren't that expensive but they get more so, especially childcare.

Supportive DH with similar views on parenting.

That's a good start.

Mintjulia · 07/02/2020 19:40

Babies turn up (or not) at the most inconvenient moments. It's just the way it is.

If you are choosing when to try for a baby, you can at least make sure you have some savings and suitable home ie not a studio flat, , your relationship is solid and mature, and you've worked somewhere long enough to be entitled to maternity/redundancy etc.

june2007 · 07/02/2020 19:41

There isn,t a right time as such but there is a wrong time. It,s best in my opinion if one is married or at least in a long term commited relationship .And if you are financially independent and not living in over crowded conditions. However Even if it,s perfect when baby is born who ca tell it will remain that way in a year or two. (relationship breakdown, loss of job, ect.)

Trahira · 07/02/2020 19:43

There isn't a "perfect" time when you are 100% ready. But you do have to both be on board.

Has he given you an idea of when?

FuzzyAtmosphere · 07/02/2020 19:43

For us it was the right time once we were settled, married, owed our house, had savings and no debt.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 07/02/2020 19:44

I’m not sure there is a right time. The right time from a financial stability point of view probably isn’t going to be the best time from a physical point of view and the best time physically probably won’t be the best time financially.

I’d just go with when you feel ready.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/02/2020 19:44

Well I don’t know about never a right time.

I mean if you have hardly any money, no stable home etc it is bloody irresponsible to bring a child in to the world.

No a “perfect” time will never exist but it doesn’t have to be perfect just not on the bones of your arse...

Original poster
Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:45

I had surgery last March, not quite “cleared” for pregnancy yet (23 days & counting down😂) we’ve recently bought a house, both been in the same job since 2016, hopefully booking our wedding next weekend 🤞🏻

He wants kids, eventually. I sorta feel like my clock is ticking down & getting a tad ratty with the whole “right time” thing. I have endometriosis & adhesions from my last surgery which can cause issues 😞

OP posts:
Inferiorbeing · 07/02/2020 19:46

As someone who has had a termination it was definitely not the "right time", we were arguing all the time, we owned a house but still needed to renovate and I had just finished education. A year and a half later now feels like the right time to start. However, everyone is different, I (we) just knew that before wasnt it

firstimemamma · 07/02/2020 19:49

It's personal and different for everyone. The right time for us was after having had a big, splash-out holiday without a care in the world and once we'd bought a family home and car. Also age was important to us and to me personally having my first baby while still in my twenties was a priority.

Other people prioritise marriage first then children. For others it's once they've reached a certain point in their careers.

What do you consider the ideal scenario for starting your family? What matters to you?

Trahira · 07/02/2020 19:49

How old are you OP?

Original poster
Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:50

@Trahira I had my implant changed in November, he’s said we should hopefully be good to go once it expires, so... back end of 2022? I’ve said I want babies by 30, or at least be in the process of trying by then. I’m 27 over the summer.

OP posts:
Lippy1234 · 07/02/2020 19:50

I’d get married first.

Original poster
Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:51

@firstimemamma honestly, I’d crack on once I’ve been cleared surgically - surgeon said I have to wait a year post op... I’m a little over 3wks away from that 🙊

OP posts:
HillAreas · 07/02/2020 19:52

It’s not that there’s not a right time to have a baby.
It’s that there’s not a right time to completely turn your life and finances upside down.
HTH Grin

firstimemamma · 07/02/2020 19:53

Oh right, so you'd happily start trying in 3 weeks but your fiancé thinks you have to "wait until the right time"? That's tricky op, I'm sorry. I hope you both reach some sort of agreement soon. Thanks

AriadnesFilament · 07/02/2020 19:54

There’s never a right, i.e. perfect, time.

But there’s damned straight a good time or a bad time, a better time or a worse time, and my opinion on it is, that if you’re actively planning to bring a new person into the world you take the step into actively trying when it’s a good time.

user14572856389 · 07/02/2020 19:55

There's a wrong time, there's a right time, but there's rarely a perfect time. Is your fiance conflating the latter two?

Curiosity101 · 07/02/2020 19:56

I agree with a PP poster that there is never a perfect time... but there definitely are wrong times.

It'll be personal to you both as to when you both feel ready. Ask him what he would describe the 'right time' as being like and it may give you some insight into what is making him want to wait. Or have you already asked him what the 'right time' looks like?

Original poster
Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:57

@user14572856389 he reckons there’s a good time all round... regardless of how stable life is, there’s always the potential for a spanner to be thrown in the works. Hopefully booming wedding next weekend, he’s saying once we’re married

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblemonkey · 07/02/2020 19:59

I may just be particularly broody... a childhood friend has just had a baby. Spent a decent chunk of time at the hospital where maternity is this last week & seen too many dinky newborns.

OP posts:
Sleepycat91 · 07/02/2020 20:04

Is it a way of stalling TTC? My OH wasnt ready until our DS was born and we delayed having DD for 6 years. Theres always something, if its not finances, its housing, childcare and so on. We were in the best financial position wed ever been in last 2 years but childcare was what made us delay having a 2nd. Ill be going part time after ML but we should be okay still. Im lucky my work operates 24/7 so i can work partial nights to accommodate childcare. I just came off the pill with DS and said lets just see what happens and i was pregnant within a week much to my surprise!

neversleepagain · 07/02/2020 20:04

We made sure we were really ready before we started trying. Saved some money, made sure all debt was paid and even planned for a November baby. We ended up with twins and all our plans went out the window. So no, there never is a right time.

lengthenmylutealphase · 07/02/2020 20:04

I think there can be a right time. That right time is different for every couple though.
For us; we had been together for 4 years then got married, owned our own home near good schooling that's big enough to raise a family in. We had our first baby 11 months after we got married as we didn't see any need to wait. We'd ticked the important boxes for us.

lengthenmylutealphase · 07/02/2020 20:07

I think he's quite sensible to want to wait until you're married tbh.
He sounds like a keeper. If it's important for you to start a family soon then perhaps forgo a long engagement and big wedding.

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