To think I could quit being a people pleaser?

[SinkGirl]

I’m a 37 year old woman. Mother of two. I’ve been through some horrible things, survived them, I should be a tough woman and in some ways I am. I’m brave in some ways.

But I have always been a dreadful people pleaser. I’m genuinely afraid of upsetting or angering people. I get really scared about doing things that other people may consider demanding, over the top, pushy etc.

It’s truly pathetic. As an example, right now I’m in a battle with my local authority trying to get my twins proper specialist educational provision. Throughout I’ve been unfailingly polite but insistent.

Earlier this week I had to send a very blunt email, quoting the law and my children’s rights. It took me half a day to write it, then edit it so it didn’t seem accusatory or too critical, and then another half a day to read it 100 times and then send it.

Even worse, when the response came, I was so scared of it being an angry response I had to get my DH to read it first. How ridiculous is that? It’s not like the email can hurt me, but I get very strong physical symptoms of anxiety. If I have to be forthright with a doctor or something, I get the same anxiety.

Related to that I worry so much that someone might think I’m arrogant or selfish, that I’ve become overly self-deprecating and disregard my own needs.

Has anyone been like this and changed? Or am I stuck like this?

I don’t know where it comes from - I didn’t have the best experiences as a child including living with abusive, violent men so that may be it? Fear of being around angry people and trying to avoid making people angry?

I need to toughen up - any tips?

No you shouldn't have to change or toughen up, others should soften down!

Not being a people pleaser is the best thing ever. Seriously.

Stop giving a shit and your life will be far, far easier.

@cavabiensepasser
But how? I'm not sure you understand how difficult that would be, if not impossible. (I'm the exact same OP...)

If you can, then counselling could really help you.
Try reading Brené Browne - ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’.

Thanks all. I’ve had counselling in the past; helped with a lot of things but not this!

It would be so much easier if I just didn’t give a shit. I’d love to be able to shrug it off and stop worrying what others think because it does me no favours. Sometimes you just have to be a hard ass and I am just terribly bad at it.

I’d love the world to soften up but I fear it’s unlikely!

I understand OP but unfortunately have no advice for you. I'm such a people pleaser that I worry about the potential people I'll offend in the future if I learn to stop giving a shit.

Do it for your children. Being the child/spouse of a people pleaser who pussyfoots around other people because they’re afraid people will think they’re pushy/arrogant/up themselves is unspeakably grim — in a worst case scenario, you teach your children that they and their needs matter less than the possible feelings of a random person on the end of an email. And you teach them that other people’s feelings are always more important than theirs.

Your twins need your advocacy. They need you to be be firm, insistent and angry if necessary, not wasting half a day softening your prose. They are entitled to an education, no one is doing you a favour by giving them one.

I say this not to harangue, OP, but because I’m the daughter of a chronic people pleaser, and it had a massive negative effect on my childhood.

I understand Naomh - my mum was quite the opposite, so I guess I had the other side of the coin which may play into it too.

I will most definitely get my boys what they need - we are nearly there and have a lot agreed already but they need more so I’m still going. I find it excruciatingly painful but I’m doing it!

Then good for you. My mother was so afraid of conflict she let three of her children be bullied by a teacher rather than go in and have a polite chat to try to resolve things.

I’m sorry, that’s awful - that I would not do! I find it easier to be tough for other people, much harder to be pushy on my own behalf. I’m far too apologetic.

Got a meeting with the local authority in a couple of weeks and DH is coming too - he has no qualms about people thinking he’s a twat so we make a good team 😂

When I was pregnant I had such crippling tokophobia I was in specialist counselling all through my pregnancy. I wanted a c section, I practiced the discussion with my midwife and counsellor and then went to see the consultant. He said “oh there’s no need for that” and I just said okay and burst into tears. Had to get my bloody husband to argue my case for me because I just couldn’t speak up for myself. It’s ridiculous.

Sending that email was hell on Earth but I won’t let me being a wimp stop me getting it done. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with all the angst and anxiety and stress to get through it.

They’ve offered the boys specialist places already but not where we want or soon enough, so I’m currently fighting for that. Will involve being very assertive and quoting the law and pointing out that they’re ignoring the law which isn’t going to be fun but needs must.

You sound like me, been through a lot, tough,
violent men in my childhood, fear of making people angry. My counsellor gave me some great reading on boundaries and on assertiveness which helped me.

www.winona.edu/stress/assertiveness.htm

That is not something she gave me to read, but the bill of assertiveness at the end is similar to some of the things she gave me. Honestly the idea that I have the right to change my mind, to make mistakes, to get things wrong, etc... It was a complete revelation. And I do feel I am getting better.

I’ve noticed in myself and my friends (who have similar background to you) that people pleasing tendency really naturally stops in your 40s. Unforced -you just finally get fed up and it’s like you ve run out of energy for it. Reading light hearted books like how not to give a f**k can help too.

Maybe start with small things and work up.

But, genuinely, prioritise what is really important to you as you have been doing sounds like a good start. DC education v upsetting someone in local government sounds reasonable to me.

"Resilience, happiness and freedom come from knowing what to care about--and most importantly, what not to care about."

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B019MMUA8S/ref=tmmkinntitle0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

I'm not sure the example you give represents people pleasing in the accepted sense. It relates more to excessive worrying, perfectionism and not wanting to offend, as well as a degree of fear of those in authority.

How does your people pleasing manifest itself with your family and friends? Are their aspects of codependency in your interpersonal relationships?

You have my sympathies.

As you'll see from my username I struggle too, and at times I find it crippling.

I've had some counselling and I am better than I was but still really really struggle.

I'm determined that my son doesn't inherit this trait and feel conflicted but happy when he puts himself first in situations and feels able to freely disagree with others. I try really hard to help him to find an appropriate balance, and in doing this I'm also learning to be better at it.

Good luck OP. I will be reading the links and books kindly suggested on this thread.

I’m in the same position. I wonder if some of it stems back to my mum who was so bothered about what people thought of us and how we were and her response if we didn’t conform to her way of thinking (she’d be cold and often ignore us) that hasn’t helped. My husband just says whatever he wants and tends to please himself. He has a great ability to look out for himself (we have two autistic children). I don’t know how to change to be honest. I’d like to be able to stand for myself a bit more.

I realise that, it was just the most recent example of worrying about upsetting someone when I really shouldn’t care.

It has been an issue in friendships and previous relationships - not co dependency as such, but being more concerned about how others feel / how things impact them than myself and acting accordingly, etc.

I really struggle to say no to people, even if that would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I worry a lot about appearing rude, even if it’s just with things like cold callers.

My marriage is actually a heathy relationship which is quite surprising given that neither of us had particularly healthy childhoods ourselves.

Perhaps it’s not people pleasing but something else.

Thanks to everyone who’s made suggestions, I’ll have a look at the links etc.

For me, CBT really helped with this. It helped me realise that what I want/need is important too and internalise that when I'm assertive bad things don't usually happen. Might be worth a try?

This sounds a poor suggestion but if you have the time and dedication try daily meditation. This will bring down the anxiety (fear) that is bubbling underneath, which you have learned as a child to suppress (because you avoided what makes angry people angrier so suppress your true emotions and acted like things are ok). Dare is a book on anxiety which might help.

HERE
The suppressed emotion probably feels normal to you.

And yes, perfectionism is definitely another of my major flaws - I realise that sounds like a job interview cliche, but I don’t see it as a strength masking as a weakness. It’s a burden. Fortunately my perfectionism only extends to myself so I never expect anyone else to be perfect, only me. I am far more critical of myself than I ever am of anyone else but then I think most people are like that? Or maybe they’re not. Sometimes I meet people who are really selfish, egocentric, arrogant or whatever and I’m actually a bit jealous.

There’s a few things that I know objectively that I’m good at (even typing that makes me cringe), but I’m rarely ever happy with things I do. It’s not a very nice way to feel.

I am the same op. As my kids got older I had to toughen up and set a good example to them. Plus I'm over 40 now and that's helped. I still find it very hard to speak my mind at work though.

The suppressed emotion probably feels normal to you.

Yes that sounds about right to me! I find that new stressful things that come up really push me over the edge, I think it’s because my base level is already so anxious and emotional that everything seems worse.

I will look into CBT again and look at the books in the links. I will have a go at meditation, maybe it will help.

Stop.
Friends/family will be confused and possibly angry as they are used to you doing things their way.
Ride the storm!