To think I could quit being a people pleaser?

[SinkGirl]

I’m a 37 year old woman. Mother of two. I’ve been through some horrible things, survived them, I should be a tough woman and in some ways I am. I’m brave in some ways.

But I have always been a dreadful people pleaser. I’m genuinely afraid of upsetting or angering people. I get really scared about doing things that other people may consider demanding, over the top, pushy etc.

It’s truly pathetic. As an example, right now I’m in a battle with my local authority trying to get my twins proper specialist educational provision. Throughout I’ve been unfailingly polite but insistent.

Earlier this week I had to send a very blunt email, quoting the law and my children’s rights. It took me half a day to write it, then edit it so it didn’t seem accusatory or too critical, and then another half a day to read it 100 times and then send it.

Even worse, when the response came, I was so scared of it being an angry response I had to get my DH to read it first. How ridiculous is that? It’s not like the email can hurt me, but I get very strong physical symptoms of anxiety. If I have to be forthright with a doctor or something, I get the same anxiety.

Related to that I worry so much that someone might think I’m arrogant or selfish, that I’ve become overly self-deprecating and disregard my own needs.

Has anyone been like this and changed? Or am I stuck like this?

I don’t know where it comes from - I didn’t have the best experiences as a child including living with abusive, violent men so that may be it? Fear of being around angry people and trying to avoid making people angry?

I need to toughen up - any tips?

It sounds like you have anxiety as well. I used to have very bad anxiety but have it under control. I just want to say, don't worry if you have setbacks. You might be super focussed on it one day and then the next have a slip up. It will take time to change the habits of a lifetime, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth persevering with!

I think OP from my own experience I try to visualise the end result.This helps..the whats the worst thing that can happen in this situation kind of thing.Usually its nothing so you can feel able to forge ahead.As someone said previously it gets better and so so much easier to not people please with age.I look back now and shudder when I think of what I have put myself through to please others..and you know what most of the time it was for nothing,trust me on that one!!!As you get older like I am now it becomes like a mantra,you get selfish and protective of yourself..so if it doesnt suit me in anyway whatever it might be it doesn;t happen.I realised where my priorities should lay and going out of my way for other folks to make their life easier at a huge cost to my own isn;t happening anymore. It will become more easier and transparent what others motives are as you know and trust yourself more and If i can tell you anything with certainty its life changing when you get to that point. You can be kind and polite and yet firm and uncompromissing its neither one or the other,Rely on you and listen to yourself...you will get there I promise!

I'm like this a degree OP.

My behaviour can almost certainly be traced back to childhood. I spent most of it tip toeing around my parents, who could be very volatile. Wasn't allowed to have an opinion, or be angry/upset about anything. They both had mental heath problems and so I learned very quickly that it was just easier to agree and toe the line at ALL times.

So, as a result I shied away from any form of confrontation for years. I'm more assertive now but there are still times when I'm treated badly and instead of firmly standing up for myself, I turn into a diplomat extraordinaire.

I completely overthink situations too, worrying that I've said something that might have offended someone. Highly unlikely as I'm so careful about what I say.

I have a really disproportionate reaction to hostility / confrontation - DH will often ask me what I’m so scared of happening if I don’t do my usual tiptoeing and it really is just the hostile atmosphere. It makes me feel physically sick to be in an atmosphere like that, I hate it. I’ve never really analysed it but I’m sure this is down to my childhood where hostility was the norm.

The good thing about having twins (and then twins with additional needs) is that the rubbish has taken itself out really - I haven’t had time to be a crutch for other people, so those who only wanted me when they wanted something have fortunately disappeared.

One thing you can do is call out the person making you anxious - talk about whatever is angering them rather than bottling your feelings.

Stop giving a shit and your life will be far, far easier.
This.
I used to be like you op, but a life changing event (bereavement) happened and it changed me. Some people might not agree for the better but they are the ones that took advantage of my good nature and willingness to please.
Now I don’t give a shit and don’t put up with any of the crap I used to

It sounds like you have a really good understanding of why you react to hostility/the fear of hostility the way you do - and that's a really good step towards getting past it. To an extent though you can't change your personality - you sound like a nice person who cares about how she's perceived, and that's really not a bad thing. Embrace your niceness!

I have found though that the older I get the less of a shit I give - I still want people to like me, but if they don't it's not such a big deal anymore. And that's quite a common experience.