To wonder if other working single mums feel that they are a total failure on the domestic front?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Single mum and apologies if this sounds like a sob story: generally I'm pretty lucky: healthy and have a happy and healthy DD, a good and reasonably well-paid job and a decent network.

Am keeping my head above water and everything ticks along -- child fed and clothed bills paid and have enough cash that I can enjoy myself from time to time.

But the one area of my life where I feel I'm failing is on the domestic front. I have the basics covered: have a cleaner etc and house is never filthy and not always even messy. I just never have time to do the projects that really make a home lovely as opposed to just OK and stuff doesn't get done sometimes for far too long. Things like proper decluttering, ordering things so everything is rationally organised. Nice fixtures and fittings and making rooms look like they've been thought through as opposed to cobbled together. Those nice touches which I suppose in the days when there was a wife at home she would have done.

It makes me feel really anxious almost depressed that I haven't cracked this. I've never been someone who has prioritised domesticity would generally always prefer to spend time and money out doing things not great with design and rubbish with DIY so this isn't my forte anyway and I find the idea of big domestic projects a bit intimidating. But the main issue is time. I just never get time to do any domestic work other than that which is critical (washing up/washing/ironing/hoovering). It feels like I'm running to stand still on this and never get to look at the big domestic picture. I seem to really struggle with any kind of big "sorting" project because I always have my DD and can't ever get the time or head space to deal with it.

I don't want to live in a show home but I'd like to feel at some point it could be vaguely inviting. Is this just me? Can others relate to this or is this my particular neurosis? and does anyone have any helpful life hacks?

I'm trying to do the same. I'm planning on making a plan, then booking some days off work to make it happen.

I'm still working on the plan (that's the hard bit) as I don't want to cobble again, or buy little bits of furniture to solve an immediate problem. PLAN, then EXECUTE! Yaaas, we can do this!

We are going to go to ikea. Pick out everything we want and then one weekend empty her room and go and buy it all. ✅

I feel the same but I teach, so I plan bigger projects for the school holidays, when the kids are with their dad. I moved house after the split and have redecorated every room except mine, but if I was just try g to do it on weekends I know I wouldn't get it done because between laundry and kids and occasionally having a life, it wouldn't happen. As it is its all a little bit shabby and unfinished but it's a home, we live here. So long as my living room is tidy and lego free in the evening so I can relax, it's fine.

I've been living how you're living for the past 20 years! I've now accepted that my flat is clean and tidy and comfortable. I have lots of storage, I also have lots of packed up stuff that is waiting to be 'got rid of'. Added to my woes I don't drive, so I can't even make a trip to the tip. I think single Mums can be very hard on themselves. I'm nearly 50 years old now and have spent almost all of my adult life as a single Mum of two boys.

Looking back I don't know how I kept my sanity, but I did. Just be a bit easier on yourself and don't compare yourself to those that look like they've got it all together, they haven't!
As for making things inviting, lots of soft lighting, fluffy rugs, cushions and candles. I like strings of fairy lights too, as a single Mum I don't have to think of any bloke not liking them haha!

Agree with lots of previous comments:

• save it up for school hols (if child's suitable age) when you've got a bit of annual leave
• IKEA (delivery costs much less than it used to so you can now order stuff like cushion covers and blankets, with the advantage that it all sort of co-ordinates)
• try not to be so hard on yourself

Re the bigger projects, I try and keep a running list, then allocate one or two things from the list to a specific month / bit of leave booked from work. Not too much, because I don't want to be ratty and overwhelmed on what's meant to be a break. But I find if I don't put a time against it, it never gets done. So last month I finally got round to getting my kitchen lights fixed (don't ask how long we'd been cooking by lamplight), next month I've yet to allocate which lucky task gets to be crossed off The List

When I was a lone parent and dd was young, I was similar on the domestic front, but I never felt like a failure. In part because we had horses and the house is old and fairly large, so it was easy to accept the fact it was just too much to tackle as a project at that time. Plus I was aware that plenty of sahps with loads of time had houses with just as much, if not more, neglected tasks on the domestic front.

You don't say how old your dd is, but even if dp hadn't arrived on the scene by upper primary age I had more time to get on with jobs.

Most importantly, dd is 16, and has lots of fun memories of all the time spent together. She doesn't remember rooms cupboards and wardrobes that really needed sorting. Photos of the garden when she was younger surprise her, she just remembers fun.

The only possible advice is to get her involved if there's something you really want to do. So eg if you really need to de clutter a room/ cupboard, get her to help decide what to keep. At the least she'll discover some fantastic new 'toy' to entertain herself with. Dd once spent hours playing dens with an old bent clothes horse I unearthed.

I'm exactly the same! It gets me down. I feel our house is like a student house because it's full of cheap, old furniture, there are patches where paint is peeling off the wall. It basically needs a lot of TLC. I keep it clean and Tudy but it's just so scruffy and run down. I have no understanding of where to start.

I found my people! I have just not cracked this at all.

I just don’t have the skills. I’ve done living room and kids rooms but kitchen and bathroom need a lot of TLC. Cupboard under stairs - out of control.

Watching with interest..

I find looking at Mrs Hinch groups on Facebook really get me in the mood to de clutter! They have lots of handy tips and how to decorate and maximise storage on the cheap.

Thanks all: I think I need to be much more "project oriented" and set aside time in a much more schematic way for this.

The big problem I have is that my DD can't go to her dad (injunction) so I never get big chunks of time alone in the house without her.

To some extent I can involve her but things like:

decluttering
organising and filing of papers
Clearing out the shed
Clearing the garden
Moving large objects around

Are a big problem: she can tolerate only so much of that before she gets bored and I have to interrupt things for meal breaks etc.

I also tend to take the view that annual leave is for having fun rather than for projects and up until now have far rather spent that time and money on mini breaks etc rather than domestic stuff. I guess that may have to change now but in the wake of the split I felt that was important.

I'm also terrible at DIY and really struggle with the Ikea flatpack.

I’m very house proud or was. I managed to keep my house immaculate as a single full time working mum while my son was little and I didn’t have much of a social life due to lack of babysitting, but now that he is a teen and I have a far more demanding job, there is always at least one room in the house that looks as a tip, but in exchange I have some wonderful days out every weekend, restful evenings, etc.

I'm the same. Whenever I visit other peoples home they seem much more put together and smart. I feel a bit embarrassed about my place.

I think my main problem is too much stuff. Too many toys, too many clothes - I could probably solve that problem in a week if I put my mind to it!

Same.
My desk has had the same two huge piles of paperwork on it for months.
My windows were fitted four years ago and I still haven't got them cleaned.
All I can do is keep us fed, clean and healthy. All the other balls are always dropping.
I've got 8 yrs until they're both at Uni and I plan to deal with everything then.

Glad I'm not the only one!

I fear I might actually have to do a DIY course at some point :(

I'm not a single parent but work and have 2 kids and my husband is away a fair bit. The only time I've had to do stuff in the last few years is when I've been off sick - I was off recently for a prolonged period and when I felt a bit better I started doing half an hour or so a day when I was recovering. Reorganizing drawers mostly and deep clean things like doors. Can you break it down into really small chunks and then it wont be so daunting? Like if you have a cupboard or cheat of drawers you need to do, just do one shelf or drawer at a time, take it infront of the tv and do it while you have a glass of wine? Do it a couple of times a week and in a few weeks you'll have done a whole wardrobe or something. Documents can you scan with your phone and shred the originals and file electronically (backed up), that's a bit easier than sorting out a whole filing cabinet. You'll also have more time the older your daughter gets as well. Now I'm a bit more sorted I'm trying to do a one in one out rule so chuck something every time I buy something new, not sure how long it's going to last though!

I’m the same

Every weekend I am going to sort things out but feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Have a very demanding job and trying to keep ds on top of his school work it’s just all too much

Have too much stuff not enough money or time to myself

Sorry for the moan just fed up

Fuck it all. Life is too short. My place was of show home standard when the kids were young. I look back now they are MUCH older and wondered why I bothered. It's much more productive to have fun with kids.

Re paperwork- order a big box file online with dividers. When she's in bed at night you can spend 30 minutes whenever you can to put it all in order. A different 'to follow folder for anything that needs dealing with. It's a pain, but once done it makes life easier. Eg if you can grab your energy supplier stuff quickly, you can call and enter your account number before you start driving, and then spend your time on hold/ sorting it out on Bluetooth when you're driving. Easier still if you commute on public transport.

After it's sorted, it's easier to motivate yourself to stay on top of anything that comes, and then just file stuff away in its place either when done or 5 minutes every few weeks.

Also try and stagger things, so you don't have to renew everything at the same time or on busy months.

TrainspottingWelsh yep. I try to do that when I have time. I rarely have time on a weekday evening tbh: quite often have work to do at home and then factoring in DD and housework it isn't enough time to make any real progress. It tends to get done on "down" weekends which are fairly few and far between.

Is there anyone you can ask for help? Sometimes people don't realise what is difficult when you really have nobody else to watch a small child. I asked a friend if they could watch my child for thirty minutes just so I could mow the lawn - the child was too small to leave unsupervised, esp as I wouldn't hear them over the mower. The friend was ace, came round and played with child, and said they had never thought about how everyday stuff like that would be tough to do safely - so they came back again through the summer to help and occasionally sent their DH to mow the grass for me which was bloody amazing

I know sometimes there really isn't anyone to ask, but occasionally if you do ask, it's surprising how helpful people can be.

MutteringDarkly yes there probably are people. I tend only to keep those for situations when I really need it usually when I have something fun to do and no childcare I am very conscious of not wearing people's patience out and frankly would rather keep free childcare for really special stuff rather than filing etc. But sometimes you've got to ask haven't you?

Speaking as a former SAHM, my child now looks at me blankly when I ask if he remembers playing on the car mat on the kitchen floor and all the little people and the jigsaws and I think I really should have gone back to work when he was three and maybe I'd have a solid job and a pension now and he would have just forgotten stuff he did with a childminder. Anyway.

Instead of paying for someone to look after Dd, why not pay them to do the flat pack while you go and have fun?

The kid/s will grow and eventually be less demanding