To wonder if other working single mums feel that they are a total failure on the domestic front?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Single mum and apologies if this sounds like a sob story: generally I'm pretty lucky: healthy and have a happy and healthy DD, a good and reasonably well-paid job and a decent network.

Am keeping my head above water and everything ticks along -- child fed and clothed bills paid and have enough cash that I can enjoy myself from time to time.

But the one area of my life where I feel I'm failing is on the domestic front. I have the basics covered: have a cleaner etc and house is never filthy and not always even messy. I just never have time to do the projects that really make a home lovely as opposed to just OK and stuff doesn't get done sometimes for far too long. Things like proper decluttering, ordering things so everything is rationally organised. Nice fixtures and fittings and making rooms look like they've been thought through as opposed to cobbled together. Those nice touches which I suppose in the days when there was a wife at home she would have done.

It makes me feel really anxious almost depressed that I haven't cracked this. I've never been someone who has prioritised domesticity would generally always prefer to spend time and money out doing things not great with design and rubbish with DIY so this isn't my forte anyway and I find the idea of big domestic projects a bit intimidating. But the main issue is time. I just never get time to do any domestic work other than that which is critical (washing up/washing/ironing/hoovering). It feels like I'm running to stand still on this and never get to look at the big domestic picture. I seem to really struggle with any kind of big "sorting" project because I always have my DD and can't ever get the time or head space to deal with it.

I don't want to live in a show home but I'd like to feel at some point it could be vaguely inviting. Is this just me? Can others relate to this or is this my particular neurosis? and does anyone have any helpful life hacks?

Write off any outdoor works til the Spring at least.

Focus on indoors. Break down the clutter into bitesized chunks. While you are waiting for the kettle to boil, dump out the messiest drawer in the kitchen. Clean the drawer. Sit with the cuppa (and dd if she wants to help) and sort the contents into 3 piles

1. To go back into the drawer
2. To go elsewhere in the house
3. To go (bin or donate).

Only put the no1. Items back into the drawer. Move the no.2 items to wherever they need to be. No.3 items go into a big donation bag or the bin.

Each day, do exactly the same thing to every drawer or cupboard in the kitchen. Within a week or two there's a slimmed down kitchen.

Remind yourself that less stuff = more time.

And if you've not used something in 6m then just get rid.

And yes to the DIY course (personally, I just watched a lot of videos in YouTube, invested in getting the right basic amount of tools for the job and read product reviews) nothing saves more money or empowers you more than being able to solve house problems yourself.

Oh god ive got loads of stuff that needs doing, its just finding the time. My kids are 22 and 20 so they could help, i wont touch their rooms they can do it themselves. I work nights and most of the time when im not working im too tired.

Roll on the end of March when i have 2 weeks off, last time off was November got nothing done.

Don't worry I'm a working MARRIED mum and am still a domestic failure! 🤣

Dont worry OP, same boat! Somethingvhas to slide.

I think im pretty good at DIY, painting and decorating, electrics, laying floors, building sheds there is nothing i cant do. Its having the energy to do it lol.

@Whatifitallgoesright i was stuck at home rather than sahm as i couldnt afford childcsre/find job but i was always too stressed and impatient to play games. I remember my kids asking and then they stopped asking. I was not cut out for it. Not cut out for 50% of the responsibility but i got 100%
I hope i havent damaged them. I was a bit emotionally neglectful because keeping things ticking along and above water took every ounce of energy i had. Motherhood so tough.

It's woman's lot. Work and kids? Bad mum, feel guilty. SAHM? Bad mum, feel guilty. Do what you can and don't beat yourself up about it, it will, hopefully, get easier. Good luck.

OP. If you don’t go to bed too late, just waking up an hour before your child, gives you plenty of time to keep the house tidy and clean (you can do all the noisy stuff at the weekends, having said that, it does also help to put a load on the washer before you go to bed)

What works for me is having a group of mates (not all single parents) with projects they want to do. We get together early in the year and talk through a project we want to do - might be revamping a room, building a patio, making a play area in the garden whatever. We then put a Saturday in the calendar for each one.

On the day we rock up at the project house and do whatever the project is. The host provides lunch and we all bring something for a bbq or similar in the evening. The kids all entertain each other while we get on with it. At the end of the day the project is done and we can all kick back and admire what we've achieved. It's amazing what you can do with half a dozen adults and a clear run at it.

There's no sense that you're taking advantage as it's reciprocal. You pick up skills and guidance from the others and have a good time in the process. Project days are highlights in our social calendar.

Getting some big projects out of the way really helps me and motivates you to do some of the decluttering type things that you can only do on your own.

Op you can make a choice to continue as you are or to start to change your home.

It is your home and its probably more stressful to leave it long term than to start to sort it out.

Declutter, make a plan and stick to it, a few things a day. There a great thread on here in housekeeping.

Then room to room think about how you want it to be and each month set aside at least 2 afternoons where you work on this. That's less than a quarter of your available afternoons.

Spending on fun is great and nice but setting aside some money to pay a handyman for diy, can be just as nice as feeling. When you see the finished job and it's one less thing to worry and think about, that's fun in my book.

@MrsCollinssettled what a brilliant idea! I love that

OP, you might find Marie Kondo decluttering a good starting point. Our house is a lot easier to maintain now there's less stuff around

I would recommend to start with Fly Lady baby steps, as a single full time working mum, I am sure if I had piled all my stuff in a category in a room as dear Mary suggest.... it would be still there 6 months later (I love Mary Kondo storing ideas but it works best when declutering from already a tidyish home)

I just never have time to do the projects that really make a home lovely as opposed to just OK and stuff doesn't get done sometimes for far too long. Things like proper decluttering, ordering things so everything is rationally organised. Nice fixtures and fittings and making rooms look like they've been thought through as opposed to cobbled together. Those nice touches which I suppose in the days when there was a wife at home she would have done.

What on earth has given you the idea that these are important? Who is feeding you this stuff? You sound great, OP, and as though you successfully juggle lots of important things, and I hate the idea that someone like you is being given the impression they're somehow failing in something.

Bluntly, that stuff is completely unimportant. Being 'houseproud'/decluttering/being 'unable to sit down' in the evenings until the house reaches some standard of cleanliness etc arises out of deeply patriarchal ideas that a woman's job is essentially decorative, to provide a 'lovely home' for the man of the house, who needs a domestic haven from the big, bad world.

Which is of course bollocks, but some women internalise it and base their self-worth on having matchy-matchy throws or a bedful of decorative pillows that pick up a pop of colour from the curtains, or something, or, most tragically, a house that is 'visitor-ready' at all times.

The thoughts that are making you anxious about not doing this stuff come from a place as irrelevant and reactionary as popping a little bow in your hair and hovering by the front door in a frilly pinny to greet your husband home from work, with the children safely stashed somewhere they won't disturb him. Either ignore, or ask yourself where you are getting these messages from?

If the op is getting these messages from somewhere external then you are correct Samhradh

If she genuinely doesn't like where she lives because she ( herself) would like it to be a nice relaxing gouache to come home to. Then that is a very different position and one the op should begin to sort out and set out time to make changes.

Wanting things nice for yourself is not wrong and there does not need to be any external pressure attaches to this.

Gouache?

Honestly don’t be so hard on yourself, I’m not a single parent and don’t have any of that stuff sorted - I do work full time though. Step away from Instagram style portrayals of homes if it’s something you’re in to - they’re so unrealistic and damaging.

Same boat here. Ongoing decluttering/tidying/diy projects that get delayed for months or years. The week is so busy I prefer being out on trips or visiting friends and family. I do find decluttering quite exhausting however as others have said set a small amount of time aside and do little by little. I find meditation beforehand very helpful and then turning off/muting phone etc so not distracted. Getting DC involved keeps me more motivated too. I had a mini sort out of one kitchen cupboard today, found herbs with used by date of 2011, oops!

I hear you. Also full time working single Mum to two kids. No contact with their Dad for years (he’s just popped back up and now has them for a day every 2 weeks, no maintenance), I have no family at all.

I just keep things as easy as possible. I have a small new build home that just needs keeping tidy, no big renovations. Small garden which is easy to keep on top of. I have cats instead of a dog (which I’d really like) as I can’t commit to the extra work yet.

I’ve always been minimalist, but keep things very pared down now. Everything is easier to keep on top of in the house.

I also just accept I will drop some balls. Kids book bags are checked every other day rather than every day. We don’t read the school books every day and write it in the little book. But do do lots of other reading as and when fits in to what we’re doing. I’m ok with that.

The kids have more local park, play dates, local attractions type days than big trips away somewhere hours away. The kids enjoy it more and it’s less stress for me.

I just really think about what is worth the stress and what isn’t. I only have limited capacity (of money and time) and I do with it what I can, choosing to focus on what matters. And the important bit - I don’t feel guilty for what gets dropped.

I understand and I think it’s the lot of us single parents to be honest.