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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend is a mummy's boy and I should LTB?

33 replies

Loobalou1 · 06/02/2020 19:43

We are both in our late 20s, been together a year and have been talking about moving in together. We currently live an hour apart.

My boyfriend has said he isn't sure whether or not he wants to live with me as it'll mean seeing his mum and family less, he won't be able to pop over anymore to his parents (he currently rents a flat on the same road as his mum) and he won't be able to see his friends as often or spontaneously. He has put a complete downer on the whole thing and says he just 'doesn't think he can move so far away.' I cannot move to him because my career is in my home town, the commute isn't feasible as it cannot be done by public transport, whereas his is in the middle of us both and easily commutable.

I understand that friends and family are important, but AIBU to think that when you meet someone you are serious about and want to live with, these things shouldn't be your top priority anymore? Surely he should be excited about living with me and us being a couple, building a home together etc.

We've also spent weekends together where he will leave my house early, before we have had dinner, so he can 'catch his mum before she goes to bed' or to have dinner with his mum instead. His mum is mid 50s and has 3 other children. He has also said that nobody will ever replace or come first above his mum until he has children.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 06/02/2020 19:47

Well I’d be off.

LatentPhase · 06/02/2020 19:50

Yep, I’d be off.... bye-bye

CalleighDoodle · 06/02/2020 19:50

I think youre unreasonable to expect him to
Move an hour away from his network when he doesnt have car access.

But the latter sentences of your post make me think he is certainly not ready for a relationship.
You are both at different life stages.

ohfourfoxache · 06/02/2020 19:50

Sod that for a game of tiddlywinks, dump and run

englishchai · 06/02/2020 19:50

He has shown you what he values the most, which is not necessarily a bad thing when you say "oh he is a family man" but this will be a nightmare, he is enmeshed, when you have children, it be all about your MIL, her wishes, her wants, she will probably be at the birth, if anything it be like you would be a surrogate to your own baby.

Your house will become her second home, trust me I've been there, done that. Honestly have a proper think about if this is the sort of mummy boy you want to have to "put up with"

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/02/2020 19:50

Run like the wind, run like your arse on fire.

LatentPhase · 06/02/2020 19:50

Oops I did the wrong vote. But deffo LTB (b for baby)

LolaMontezSoBeautiful · 06/02/2020 19:53

Dump him and find a grown up. I know that sounds glib, but this man has told you exactly where you come in the pecking order and always will.

Amanduh · 06/02/2020 19:54

I think yabu, why is he a ‘mummys boy’ because he’s close to his mum and family and doesn’t want to luve an hour away from his friends and support network? If this was about a woman the narrative would be very bloody different. Very sexist, but typical MN.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/02/2020 19:54

Maybe he's not that into you?
"Mummy's boy" is a very insulting term. Having a good relationship with your parents is something to be commended not something to belittle.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 06/02/2020 19:56

@Amanduh I totally agree, I think it's nice he's that respectful of his mum and close enough to his family that moving away makes him a bit sad - seems to be OP's way or the highway

BlueHarry · 06/02/2020 19:57

Doesn't sound like you're a good a match.

ToooRevealing · 06/02/2020 19:58

i would think a woman who wouldn't move away from her mum to start her own life was a bit limp as well, tbh

Duckydarling · 06/02/2020 20:00

‘He has also said no one will ever replace or come first above his mum until he has children’.

He does realise you are not there to replace his mother. As for who comes first, he shouldn’t see it like that. I’d be off.

KTJean · 06/02/2020 20:00

Funny, my ex said this about not wanting to move away from his family (my DD’s dad). Then he met OW and moved an hour away with her, leaving me near his family in the middle of nowhere. His parents simply visit them every weekend now or vice versa.

Not that this is necessarily how your situation will play out, just that what he really meant was that he did not want to move away from his family and friends with me.

FuzzyAtmosphere · 06/02/2020 20:04

Surely it’s good that he is close to his friends and family and doesn’t just ditch them for a partner? You sound very mocking of these relationships and it makes you come across as unpleasant.

I’d say he doesn’t want to move because he doesn’t think enough of you to live with you and I think deep down you know that’s the reason and are understandably hurt but belittling him isn’t going to make him fall in love with you and move in.

FlowerArranger · 06/02/2020 20:06

AIBU to think that when you meet someone you are serious about and want to live with, these things (friends & family) shouldn't be your top priority anymore?

You are not being unreasonable, but evidently he is not sufficiently serious about you. Though, given your description, he may never be truly serious about anyone apart from his mum.

mbosnz · 06/02/2020 20:07

I'd definitely be offskis myself. . .

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2020 20:09

The red flags of an immature mummy's boy are waving high. Please be smart enough to not waste any more of your youth on this man child.

OxfordCat · 06/02/2020 20:10

I personally would just find the general attitude quite unattractive- not just the mum thing, but also not wanting to live more than 5 minutes from where he grew up. Each to their own but for me it's off putting and it's a world limiting attitude.

But also I get you about kissing goodnight to his mum and having dinner there all the time. In a grown man I do find it odd. Controversial perhaps but I think you'll find a lot if the posters who are disagreeing with you are mothers of sons themselves, and possibly struggling to let them go. (There'll be loads of responses now saying they're not mothers of sons now, you watch).

I once dated a man like this, not realising how enmeshed he was with his mother until I was in a committed relationship with him. They used to go off and have private mother and son chats whilst I sat on my own. It was awful and thank fuck I ended it before we got married or had kids.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/02/2020 20:12

It sounds like he really doesn't want to move in with you, not yet anyway.
Is the relationship comfortable as it is. He sounds really happy with his network of friends and family. I'm sure he loves you but he loves his life as it is more.

Newkitchen123 · 06/02/2020 20:14

I'm a bit confused as to the commute
If his work is commutable to your home town then could you not live where his work is as surely this is the same thing the other way round?
Or did I miss something?

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2020 20:18

Have you met his Mother? Is it definitely her that he ran back to see?

If you can't move and it sounds as though he would be happy if he did, then there's no future for you.

Without other examples, it's difficult to say if he's overly attached, or just close to his family.

HavelockVetinari · 06/02/2020 20:18

Flipping heck, save yourself a whole load of issues later on and leave him, imagine marrying/having kids with someone who put their mum before you! Shock

You've had a lucky escape.

PatellarTendonitis · 06/02/2020 20:19

You wouldn't see me for dust.

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