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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some time with my children?

27 replies

poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:10

Just that really. I get very little alone time in my own house with my own kids. Ever. Over the last 2 years I’ve had approximately 6 evenings where I’ve been able to do their bedtimes and I’ve had no daytimes/weekends. My DH works from home and rarely leaves the house. He’s involved in everything. and I mean everything. I can’t do anything with the kids in the house without him being involved. Consequently, my voice is now ignored by the children. I’m much softer character and my DH is the “fun” dominant parent. It’s all his way and he dominates every conversation. Highly intelligent, he knows everything about everything and so mum by comparison is just boring. I have no idea how to have an easy stress free relationship with my own kids in my own home unless he’s not here. I feel invisible and as my kids push past me (again) to go ask daddy another question (that I would have liked to have had the chance to answer) how do I even do this? I take them out to activities but it’s exhausting to always have to take them away from the house to have any sort of conversation with them where I’m not being talked over or overlooked. I get that some people have absent DHs and I must seem ungrateful but he literally has taken over everything. Everything. I can’t even load the dishwasher anymore! He’s already done it all. I’ve been made redundant. I used to quite like bimbling round my own house in the afternoon in peace and quiet before the kids came home, loading the dishwasher to radio 1. Now TOO LATE it’s all already all been done and super quick and better and efficient. I didn’t agree to share any of this stuff and I’ve gone from having the kids to myself in a quiet house where I get to interact with them at my own pace to now having zero of that anymore.
AIBU?
Does anyone else feel like their DH dominates everything?

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 06/02/2020 16:19

I don't know really, I mean my DH is not like that at all, quite lazy parenting style really so he'd happily leave things to me. I work weekends so DH has to take over, no choice, and he works out of the home during the week. So we're used to splitting parenting to fit around work. Has your DH only started working from home recently? You sound quite suffocated by his personality, but I guess you love him in smaller doses? Have you spoke to him about it? Maybe if you agree you'll do bedtimes, or you'll take them out alone on Saturday mornings? I mean, at least he's hands on and takes an interest, but you shouldn't feel isolated from your own kids. If your relationship is normal and healthy, he wouldn't want you to feel like that. Sounds like you could do with time away from the home and DH, just you on your own too.

aintnothinbutagstring · 06/02/2020 16:21

Maybe if you have any hobbies or interests you could get the DC to join in with, so they see mum is her own person (find something your DH would not possibly be interested in!).

Original poster
poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:26

@aintnothinbutagstring I already do that and have been for the last couple of years but it’s inside my own home that I want to be able to interact with them without being contradicted, spoken over or ignored. I could be having a conversation with the kids like “look at the blue sky outside” and he’ll interrupt with “I think you’ll find it’s turquoise” he’s always got to one up me in front of them and because he’s always here, it’s constant.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/02/2020 16:26

Your DH wfh but does all the housework and you’re complaining?!

Do you work?

LucyAutumn · 06/02/2020 16:30

Talk to your DH about how you feel and get him to involve you in the conversation, 'ooh, good question, why don't we ask mum? I bet she'll know', will demonstrate to them that dad thinks your opinion matters.

Original poster
poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:31

@fedup21 I’m studying and mostly he does without being asked and no i didn’t agree to it. I love doing the housework. Have you read my post? I don’t get a look in! I hoovered the living room the other day and I came back from the shops and he was re-hoovering the same room! I have looked after the kids and done all the housework (everything) including 100% of the mental load for a decade. All of it. Now he’s taken over without it being agreed or discussed! It’s like I’ve been made redundant without being informed!

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 06/02/2020 16:32

Obvious one here, but have you told him this? what did he say?

LucyAutumn · 06/02/2020 16:32

Just to add, we had to do something similar when my son was small and rejecting me at bedtime so we'd get my husband to hold him and then my husband would say goodnight to mummy and give me a kiss, it worked and soon DS started following his actions.

Original poster
poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:34

I have several times in different ways and he either takes it badly, leading to a bad atmosphere/silent treatment or he just ignores it.
I’m very lost because I’ve got zero influence or say or impact or control over anything (including the housework) in my own life.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/02/2020 16:37

What does he say when you talk to him?

Does he enjoy doing it? Is he trying to pull his weight? Is he holding the fort so you can study? Is he trying to encourage you to go out to work by saying he can wfh and get the housework? What sort of studying are you doing-will it allow you to walk into a well paid career?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/02/2020 16:39

look at the blue sky outside” and he’ll interrupt with “I think you’ll find it’s turquoise” he’s always got to one up me

God, he sounds annoying! That would do my head in too, is he like this with everyone or just you?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 16:39

*I could be having a conversation with the kids like “look at the blue sky outside” and he’ll interrupt with “I think you’ll find it’s turquoise” he’s always got to one up me in front of them(

Well that's just rude. And I'd tell him so. Let him sulk.

Why is he trying to put you down in front of your children?

Original poster
poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:41

I’m not going to answer all of those questions in detail because it will then be very outing. It’s complicated by the fact that I’m personally wealthy and don’t actually need to work and would like to spend my kids younger/school years with them. I’m not under any time or financial pressure to have to be out in the workplace. I’ve worked long hours for many years and am now just studying for fun and personal interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
poopbear · 06/02/2020 16:43

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy it’s not intended to be rude, it’s just the way he is but it’s exhausting always being one upped. It never used to bother me because I was always secure in my own abilities/knowledge but now my kids behaviour/opinion towards me is being affected.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/02/2020 16:44

Maybe have a day on/day off rota for housework? Tell him you want to be involved too. The re-hoovering etc suggests ocd of some kind?
Can you do activities on your own with the dc’s? It sounds like you need some space from him.
Maybe the both being at home thing isn’t working?

Funkycats · 06/02/2020 16:48

He sounds like a nightmare. If he was mine he'd have to go!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 16:49

@poopbear it doesn't matter if it's not intended to be rude, it IS rude!

Tell him you want more time with the kids 1-2-1 and arrange a couple of evenings a week.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/02/2020 16:55

I think there are a few things going on here.

  1. The housework. He is doing it all. I guess it's hard for a lot of people to understand as most would be happy with this
  1. The time with the kids alone
  1. His attitude, disagreeing with you all the time eg the turquoise sky.

So, for

  1. Can you agree specific chores or to be responsible for specific rooms each?
  1. You need to tell him its affecting your relationship with the kids. If he is a decent person he will want you to have a good relationship with them and orchestrate some alone time. He should be going out and leaving you to it sometimes. Does he have a hobby you can encourage?
  1. His attitude is rude. Saying its turquoise not blue is a low level criticism but if its constant, it can really grind you down. I'd try and talk to him again to tell him how it makes you feel when he does it and agree you're going to give him a code word or something to point out when hes doing it. I think that if it's just a habit then he will realise and try and stop. If he is just a bastard and likes putting you down, then he won't.

If he continues monipilising the children and picking at you then I think it's a case of ultimatum time - counselling and effort to change, or you split and then you will have 50pc alone time with them

DameFanny · 06/02/2020 17:19

That doesn't sound like rudeness, it frankly sounds abusive. He's putting you down in front of the kids, redoing chores unnecessarily to make a point, and telling you no doubt that you're over & emotional when you complain.

Did this start when you started studying?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2020 17:31

To not have any alone time in my own house would drive me literally potty.
I crave it, need it, love pottering around with my tunes on; I think most people are like that.
So, if you have a good relationship, and you haven't bad mouthed him particularly, so you must think you have; I don't really get why this conversation hasn't come up?
Hey, dh you do jacks bedtime tonight, I'll do Lila.

billy1966 · 06/02/2020 17:53

OP, it sounds utterly suffocating.

It also sounds very controlling, domineering and deeply isolating for you.

Very hurtful to feel so dismissed and redundant in your home.

It sounds very weird. Has this suddenly crept up in you?

Do you like love him?
Is he kind?

Because it sounds awful and the sort of situation that could end a marriage if it isn't dealt with quickly.

You need to speak about this away from the house.
Lay it out clearly for him.

I think suggesting counseling so that you both can speak freely and understand each other.

If not, seperate and you will have your children 50% of the time.

💐

billy1966 · 06/02/2020 17:54

OP, it sounds utterly suffocating.

It also sounds very controlling, domineering and deeply isolating for you.

Very hurtful to feel so dismissed and redundant in your home.

It sounds very weird. Has this suddenly crept up in you?

Do you like love him?
Is he kind?

Because it sounds awful and the sort of situation that could end a marriage if it isn't dealt with quickly.

You need to speak about this away from the house.
Lay it out clearly for him.

I think suggesting counseling so that you both can speak freely and understand each other.

If not, seperate and you will have your children 50% of the time.

💐

dottiedodah · 06/02/2020 18:03

I think he sounds quite overbearing TBH!Do you think he doesnt like the fact that you have a close bond with them ? Maybe he is jealous of the fact that you have been at home for all this length of time? He sounds very childish an immature to me .If you speak to him and he ignores you then tell him you are arranging counselling ! If you decided to divorce would he be able to access your money? Maybe take some legal advice. I would let him get on with the hoovering though!

LizzieMacQueen · 06/02/2020 18:17

I'd say this is abusive behaviour too.

What are your respective backgrounds? Both British? Is he older than you on his second marriage perhaps?

Is he looking to disrupt your marriage?

nevernotstruggling · 06/02/2020 18:20

I read the post as being abusive. I hope you are ok op

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