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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? (sensitive/trigger warning) Long Haul Flights and DD aged 20

26 replies

IGiveUpalready · 06/02/2020 14:26

Hi,
Sorry for the stupid title, but I don't really want to trigger anyone by openly posting the situation.
My daughter and I do not have the best relationship, whilst I love her dearly and she loves me, we (and her dad) clash horribly, she is 20 now and lives out of the home with her ex-boyfriend (she wont move back in with us)
My DH and I try out hardest to support her, but she doesn't want our help and pushes us away. Finding out about the situation was a total fluke and I am trying not to drip-feed here, but will come off as a heartless cow either way!

She has just announced that she is now miscarrying a child and is due to see the Doctor on Monday, whilst I am deeply concerned for her and her mental health, her physical health on a long haul flight is now scaring me. My travel insurance does not include her, so I cant cancel mine without losing everything (£12K plus) her insurance is saying she needs the Dr to clear her - which I dont know if they will. She will only lie to me either way.

We are flying long haul next Thursday to a "second" once in a life time holiday - she refused to come with us the first time, but the guilt drove us insane, so took out a bank loan to take her and her siblings a second time as she regretted not going the first time.
So my very long winded AIBU is, Do we all go anyway? risk the long haul flight and threat of clotting/health issues, and very expensive, probably now uninsured treatment the other end?

Will she be miserable walking 10+ miles a day, or stay miserable in her hotel room.

DO I ask her to not go, whilst the rest of us go and have a "great" time.

Do none of us go and lose the money we have paid out - like I have said, the insurance wont pay out for the family - or my other grown up daughter as we can all still go. The holiday company wont cancel the holiday due to the time frame and to change the dates would cost 50%

This is all on top of feeling so so bad for her mental health, I cant be there to support her as she doesn't want me to be, it isn't a longed for child with her ex-boyfriend, its an accident with another person and she isn't invested in the pregnancy.(I know this, I am not heartless)

I just honestly don't know what to do that is best for her.

OP posts:
SoldiersinPetticoats · 06/02/2020 14:30

You can only wait to see what happens on Monday. If she's cleared by the doctor to fly, then all is well (in terms of the holiday).

MatildaTheCat · 06/02/2020 14:38

Midwife here. Has she actually seen a doctor at all? Confirmed pregnancy and confirmed miscarriage?

If no to any of these she needs to attend an Early Pregnancy Clinic to be thoroughly checked. Even if this is the appointment she has for Monday it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for it to be tomorrow in these circumstances.

If she has had a complete miscarriage she may we’ll be able to fly next week. If she needs an ERPC it may also be possible. So she needs to consult with the team ASAP.

Whether she wants to go away and be with you all (is her boyfriend coming?) is possibly up for debate. Is there anything else to do other than walk 10km a day?

If push comes to shove I would probably go without her and send very regular messages telling her how much you are missing her. No point in you all missing out.

But, sorry, I can’t help but be aghast that you have taken £12k of debt for a holiday. There are honestly better ways of bonding. I hope it all works out for you.

Curiosity101 · 06/02/2020 14:49

She may not want to come any longer, and she may spend the whole holiday in the hotel, just try to be there for her and let her decide what's best once she has more information from the doctors. If she doesn't feel up to coming then you'll have to explain that although you wish you could stay here and support her you can't afford not to go. As a PP said, keep in very regular contact to make sure she knows you're thinking of / missing her.

If she does feel up to coming (and is cleared by the doctors) I did notice that you don't seem to have considered getting her a separate travel insurance policy?

If you're going where I think you might be going (USA?) then I absolutely wouldn't be going without comprehensive medical cover.

Curiosity101 · 06/02/2020 15:00

DO I ask her to not go, whilst the rest of us go and have a "great" time.

I forgot to mention - please don't do this. Even if she is in a very low mood and stays in her hotel the whole time that would surely be better than you asking her not to go? I can't imagine that conversation would end well if you were due to go on a family holiday, had a miscarriage and then a parent asked you not to go with them. And maybe the change of scenery would be beneficial.

Also if she were to stay in her hotel the whole time I'd act the same way as I would if she'd chosen to stay at home. Lots of messages of 'missing you', 'wish you were here', 'let us know when you're feeling up to coming out with us', 'would you like to join us for dinner' etc etc. You can still have the holiday and have a great time, but she can join it for as much / as little as she wants.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/02/2020 15:02

So you've taken out a loan for an expensive holiday for yourself, your dh and your two adult dc, and now found out that she is miscarrying an unplanned pregnancy, is that it? I found your post quite confusing, it sounds like you are in a panic. Is your dh their father?

First I'd stop and take a breath and try to stop panicking and thinking "what if".
If she hasn't seen a medical professional yet she should probably see one sooner. Many areas have an Early Pregnancy Unit seeing women on the day. Suggest she contacts them today.
When she sees them she can find out if she can go. It will depend on several factors.
I assume she can cancel her part of the holiday with travel insurance.
I've had policies that have let you cancel due to unexpected illnesses in close relatives - check your policy.
If not I'd wait to see if she even wants you to stay. You said you have a tricky relationship - she may not want you to stay behind.

Porcupineinwaiting · 06/02/2020 15:02

I mean this kindly but you are overthinking this. She's 20. You continue with your plans and she decides what she wants to do based on what her doctors, the airline and her health insurance say she can/should do. There is literally no need for you to get involved with the decision making process.

Pukkatea · 06/02/2020 15:07

You go, but let your DD decide for herself whether or not to join you. Her health is her decision.

LochJessMonster · 06/02/2020 15:11

lives out of the home
but she doesn't want our help and pushes us away
she refused to come with us the first time
I cant be there to support her as she doesn't want me to be
so took out a bank loan to take her

In the nicest possible way, shes 20 and you need to stop pandering to her and taking out loans to keep her happy ffs.

Strugglingtodomybest · 06/02/2020 15:18

Pukkatea

You go, but let your DD decide for herself whether or not to join you. Her health is her decision.

I agree with this. Back off and give her the space she wants.

SirVixofVixHall · 06/02/2020 15:24

How many weeks pregnant was she ?

Saylwhat · 06/02/2020 15:38

When are you due to fly?

Chloemol · 06/02/2020 15:40

You and the rest go, if your DD can and wants to go fine, if she can’t/doesn’t then she stays behind. I can’t believe You have taken out a loan to do this just because she refused to come with your first time. She’s 20 now, leave her to make her own decisions. Moving forward be there for her if she asks and focus on the rest of your family

20viona · 06/02/2020 15:42

You and the rest go, she's an adult and can decide for herself whether she feels fit enough to attend.

leadbetter5 · 06/02/2020 15:43

Your DD needs to make these decisions, really not up to you.

I don't think not going is an option, I think it's either she goes or she doesn't go.

Try and get an appointment tomorrow as PP suggested and work it out once you have the info.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2020 15:43

Do not cancel - let her see the GP and make her own decision. The GP might offer her anticoagulants such as clexane injections to ward off any risk of clots, depending on why you think there would be any risk of these.
(I always get clexane for when I fly because I have a thrombophilia condition).

But let her make her own choice with no pressure from you.

ASureSign · 06/02/2020 15:45

If it’s an early miscarriage it might not be a problem. It ‘might’ not be a big deal for her either emotionally or physically . You have referred to her miscarrying a baby, she may not see it that way.

I think you need to wait and see what happens in the next couple of days. Try and get her to tell you what she wants to do.

suspended · 06/02/2020 15:46

Shes got to make the decision herself, following doctors orders. Nothing to do with you really.

Just support her and don't pressure her.

She sounds quite fragile anyway, so she will definitely need your help when you get back.

I think you are overthinking though.

ASureSign · 06/02/2020 15:47

Also, are you sure your insurance wouldn’t pay for you all if she isn’t allowed to fly.

Halestorm · 06/02/2020 15:52

It might be fine. I went to work as normal during my second and third ones because I didn't want to be at home with nothing to do but think about it and have my mind find obscure ways I 'caused' it when in reality I knew it was just one of those things and I didn't do anything.

DCOkeford · 06/02/2020 15:52

Are you absolutely sure you are correct about your travel insurance?

Mine (which is a very basic policy) allows me to cancel in the event of my own illness, and also illness of a close relative.

Apologies if you have already checked this, but what you describe is very unusual for travel insurance.

DCOkeford · 06/02/2020 15:53

Ahhhh, just thought though, mine has a big exclusion for anything relating to pregnancy...is that why your policy doesn't cover you?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/02/2020 15:56

YABU for taking out a bank loan for a second once in a lifetime trip to accommodate your (spoilt sounding) dd.

Agree with others you sound far too invested. She’ll probably be fine but you definitely shouldn’t let it stop you going away. The fact you are convinced that you sound like a heartless cow suggests she is guilt tripping you somehow. It’s not your fault this has happened and it’s up to her whether she goes with you or not.
I suspect if she does end up with a large medical bill though she will expect mum and dad to cough up.

Original poster
IGiveUpalready · 06/02/2020 15:57

I just want to say Thank you for the responses, I am a little calmer and will see what happens on Monday - My only real concern is her and her mental health.
To answer a few questions
If she does feel up to coming (and is cleared by the doctors) I did notice that you don't seem to have considered getting her a separate travel insurance policy?
Yes, its the USA and when she moved out of our home, she has declared her (quite rightly) new residence as that of her now home. She was no longer covered on our policy so I have insisted she have her own - which she has thankfully.
I think I have misinterpreted what I meant to say. My only concern for her coming with me, is the possible implications of the long haul flight, I would absolutely prefer her to be in the hotel room rather than at home, but I am petrified of her blood loss and the potential implications (Anemia being one of them) At the moment, she wants to come but I will ask her to consider Medical and Travel advice.

My DH is her Dad, She was (is) 6 weeks pregnant and we fly Thursday 13th
I am overthinking this and I will let her decide herself. I know she is 20 and by her age I had her and another child :D

The loan is an odd situation, we can easily afford the payments but due to a situation of our own making, the holiday could not conflict with other life events, and we did not have the money available before the full amount was due. The loan will be paid back before the end of the year and long before its duration.

OP posts:
Snugglemonster84 · 06/02/2020 16:41

I presume your going to Disney. If she has miscarried it will all be over and done with by the 13th. Just give her the choice, a holiday and change of scenery might do her good and help her mental health.

AuntieMaggie · 06/02/2020 16:54

If it's not complete when she sees the doctor in Monday they may say she's not safe to fly. I was due to go on a 3 hour flight when I miscarried and was told I couldn't fly. Miscarriages affect people in different ways and the physical affects can last week's for some or be over in days for others - there's no way to predict it you'll just have to wait to see what the medical advice is but if she has been advised not to fly and still goes she'd be very silly as her travel insurance wouldn't cover her if something does go wrong after.