Sahm's with three or more kids, how do you cope? AIBU to not be loving life?!

[greysunrise]

If you are a stay at home mum with three or more dc what does your day look like?

I'm asking because I have four children ranging from 17 to 1 who live with me and DH full time and a step child who comes at weekends. I am a sham and really struggle to keep on top of things, it's actually got to the point where I've only left the house a handful of times since Christmas (bar school runs) out of fear of getting behind with washing/cleaning/cooking/ admin etc. With so many people in the house if I miss a day of housework/washing it quickly builds up and I pay for it for the rest of the week!

I'm feeling incredibly stressed and as though I am just the facilitator of my DC and DH's lives, not a person in their own right, I feel like an unpaid servant.

How does everyone else cope?!

I have 4 and I’m a single mum. Ages 8 7 5 and 2 (older 2 have asd) I don’t cope so following this aswell! I don’t have any family that help either so it’s literally just me.

I had no family and a teen, a 4 year old, 2 and 1 year olds...plus a husband who worked away half the week...this was my life for years so I got good at the drudge work and outlines definitely helped, also insisting children involved in things. Washing on as soon as I’m up, breakfast all laid out night before, food bedtime routines so not dealing with tiredness before school, Sunday everything ironed for week, bulk-cook, a box for each for school/nursery stuff in hall. Having to walk the dog really helped me feel better and got me out the house as it’s very easy to become isolated.

Bags of sympathy. I feel like this with two kids sometimes, I'm not sure I would cope with even one more. How old are the older ones? I'd be very much putting the burden for people to do the things they can do and out my energy into nagging about it until it becomes habit because it's the only way out of this.

Also, are you home because it makes "financial sense"? If so, go back to work and use your entire wage for cleaners and childcare. That will buy back your identity, I swear!

I hate the drudgery of it all. I feel like I never get to do fun things with the kids because of it. I think things might need to change around here because it’s just not fair for it to carry on in this way.

I hope you don’t mind me commenting as I don’t fit your criteria, but when I was at home on maternity leave with young DC I just did not feel myself and had a huge loss of identity. The repetition was mind numbing. The things that got me back to normal was asking for help from family, getting out of house even if had to take DC with me and then going back to work where people saw me as “Harry” and not “just a mum”. You need a break and some adult company. Good luck. I really feel for you. It’s horrible.

I have 4 under 12 (including 1 with ASD) and work 35-40hrs a week!

My house runs because I am militarily organised. Routines, I’m disciplined about getting jobs done and everyone pulls their weight in age appropriate ways. If you are drowning in that much laundry you may need to lower your standards. I only iron work stuff for DH and me, school uniforms and the odd dress for DD for example.

I have three and I’m currently a SAHM. I’m guessing it’s the one year old that makes things tricky in the day?
You have a 17 year old, can they have a job, maybe hanging up/folding some laundry?
Don’t iron.
Get the children to cook dinner once a week. (Obviously I don’t know how old the others are) There’s no reason that you do everything.

Also, what’s all the admin? Your husband can help with that.

In the same boat, but with smaller DC. I'm by no means perfect but have found flylady routines and mindset a complete lifesaver. Look up Diane in Denmark on youtube who explains the system well. Sticking to those routines makes the house function without ever descending too far. A laundry routine means it never builds up, but blimey 4 kids make a lot, even with pretty low standards!

As pp said - don't iron.
Can you get a cleaner in to help?
Also how much do the kids do - can you get them to do more? How well can the older ones cook?

How many are home during the day? I kind if wing it. Night before if we are missing anything it gets washed then. Dinners are well planned in advance and kids help where they can with cleaning.

I have certain days in the week I have to go out. I'm meeting friends or we have classes already paid for. It's what you make it.

Does your husband do 50% of the housework when he’s home? If not, why not?

Also, have you considered going back to work? Being a stay at home parent just doesn’t suit everyone. I absolutely hated it and was so much happier when I got back to work.

@greysunrise.

I am a lone parent, work full time and have two small kids. I can't imagine having TWO other adults to help and feeling like a slave to housework. That's ridiculous, they are taking the absolute piss out of you.

Get the DH and the 17 year old doing their share and get back to the workplace, stop letting DH get away with keeping his identity and financial independence while you suffer.

It’s tough however you look at it. Feel for you OP. Single mum working full time in full on job with 2. I throw money at the problem when I need to because I am working hard outside the house. That in itself is exhausting. Cleaner who does all the bits I hate like cleaning floors, scrubbing bathroom, ironing and changing bedding. Deliveroo every now and then when I haven’t managed to get to a supermarket for over a week. Breakfast never gets ‘laid out’ - they get themselves up and fed in the morning. They know where the cereal, bread, toaster and milk is. School admin is the worst. Info flying at you from every angle - many possible balls to drop. I wanted 3. Am now happy I didn’t.

Firstly create a schedule of activities for the little ones - playgroup, music time, library, cooking, friend over for coffee. That gives you structure and targets. You have to get the wash out to dry before you go out, dinner must be in the slow cooker at breakfast tume. That gets you out the house too which is important for your MH. Then you might have 2 hours for house work max, one when kids are napping, one when they are happy playing because you have just got home from activities. Then you can only do what you can do. Stop when it's time for school run and entertaining kids. Do a bit of ironing in front of the TV at night. It doesn't matter if the house isn't perfect. Presumably you are SAH for your kids benefit not the hoovers benefit. Prioritise them first. Housework second.

I have 2 DC a year apart so I remember this stage well.
I think I ended up dropping standards regarding cleaning to be honest. I don’t regret it though because I had PND and making the effort to get out of the house most days was good for me and my children. I played with them lots as I figured I wouldn’t get that time again. I always cooked from scratch but couldn’t keep on top of cleaning that well although I didn’t keep much clutter so I don’t think things were too bad.

I probably didn’t have the right balance but maybe consider what things you can cut down on?
How old are DC, what jobs can they do?

Give them age appropriate chores, toddlers love tidying I reckon!
Have you tried the TOMM of cleaning - having a rota?
And I batch cook as I don't want to cook daily.

Bags of sympathy. I feel like this with two kids sometimes, I'm not sure I would cope with even one more

Ditto
It's literally the reason I'm not having anymore even though I would love to.
I just don't want my sole purpose in life to be loading the dishwasher or doing the fucking washing... again and again and again

How old are your dc?
What's the reason for you being a SAHM?
What tasks does your DH do in the home?

I'm a SAHM of 4, but also work bank shifts now and again, age range 13-2
I try and get out as much as I can with the youngest, even just to the park or local playgroups. The older ones have chores and help with housework, eg own rooms, putting washed clothes away in wardrobes etc.

Also I agree with previous poster about having structure to the day, it makes things clear for you and the DC and motivates you to get x y z done before a certain time.

I think you need to restructure your week .Mornings ASAP wash on .Pop hoover round ,do beds .Then out to toddler group ,swimming ,mimi gym .Also have a day when you relax a bit ,meet a friend for a coffee/lunch Can your DH babysit ? Off to a keep fit/jewellery making class whatever .Use TD and DW as much as you can ! DH to hoover at W/E and muck in a bit . Also if clothes arent stained then do every other day (Better for the enviroment and for you!) Do quick easy meals ,SC are very good all in in morning and ready and waiting at tea time .Deliveroo /frozen food a couple of times a week and DH /DC as well !

Organised mum method? I have a cleaner and my two are older but I work full time from home and don’t find the chores overwhelming. You need to get out of the house every day, to get some exercise and fresh air, being cooped up isn’t good for you or the children. A bit of downtime will make you more productive in the long run.

I have three littles and work part time. I have low standards and a fortnightly cleaner. I literally don’t clean apart from the kitchen other than that. Still always drowning in washing. Force myself to put away at least one load when the kids have gone to bed. I go out every day. Would lose my mind otherwise.

I'm a sahm and only have two dc. If I have a day of no housework, then the whole thing goes to shit. Oh and I totally understand the bit where you said you facilitate other people's lives and don't have your own.