Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriend

55 replies

southlondonlass · 05/02/2020 22:35

AIBU my son has been with his lovely girlfriend for just over five years. She is just like another daughter to me. He has told me he is thinking about splitting up with her due to them getting together too young and he feels like he has not 'lived life to the full'. Myself and his girlfriends mum will be really upset as we are friends. AIBU asking him to think about it fully and not make any decisions he may come to regret. Please be gentle me as I care very much for them both x

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2020 23:20

AIBU asking him to think about it fully and not make any decisions he may come to regret.

What makes you assume he hasn't/isn't thinking about it fully? He's already broached it with you he hasn't just turned around one day and dumped her.

You sound pretty invested in the relationship and how it will impact on you but (since you're posting here) I think you already know you should really be supporting him more and being more concerned that he might waste his life with someone no longer right for him because of close ties. He's broached the subject with you - it's a bit of a cry for support in doing something really difficult. You ought to step up and give him permission to do what's right for him not try and gently coerce him into maintaining a relationship for your benefit.

That isn't to say you should egg him on to leave. But something more neutral like "I'll support you whatever you decide."

PenelopePissedstop · 05/02/2020 23:21

Not for you to intervene, you can still talk to her etc but meet for lunch or coffee out of your house - not fair to put him on the spot in the home. A friend is going through this right now - she says it’s tough but not impossible.

DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 23:21

My Son is 19 years old and has just broken up from his 3rd 12 month long relationship. It's so hard because you can't help but become attached to these girls when they spend so much time in your home, they become a part of your family. But you really do need to stay out of it, your Son won't thank you for interferring, and nothing you can do will change his mind. He is young, he needs to go out and have experiences, not be tied down at such an early age.

dimwit2 · 05/02/2020 23:23

I had that problem, my mother loved my boyfriend more than me. I was severely reprimanded when I broke up and made to feel guilty. Fast track 15 years I left him due to domestic abuse (2nd time I’d left him) stayed away this time and my mother still loves him.
By this point I have no relationship with my mother. What your son does is his concern the fact your friends with her shouldn’t make him have to stay but remember your son is more important than his girlfriend

Friendsofmine · 05/02/2020 23:24

I think it is a parents job to encourage all decisions to be thoughtful! So I would say absolutely encourage him to think about this. Plenty of people get together young. It doesn't make sense to end a relationship on a whim whatever the reasons, so supporting him to think it through whilst not telling him what to do, is your job in my opinion....especially because he shared this with you. People don't say things like this until after they've acted if they don't want to discuss it.

caringcarer · 05/02/2020 23:24

My son had lovely gf who i loved. After four years many of her friends were getting engaged and she mentioned to ds and he broke up with her. He did not say anything to me beforehand. I was really upset but bit my tongue. After a few months he went out with someone else, then broke up with her, then 3 more girls. Then after a couple of years he came to me and told me he had made a terrible mistake and should never have broke up with long term gf. He left it too late though as she got engaged to someone else 6 months later. He is still single.

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/02/2020 23:25

sad but that is life OP, if you care for her as you say you do then you surely do not want her to dedicate her valuable life to a relationship with someone that isn't all in with her and probably would already have left her if they hadn't been together as long as they have.

He is speaking sense, you are BU to 'put him off' it is not your business. Commend him for being brave enough to end it and keep in touch with her If she wants to and it is appropriate. Don't involve yourself.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 05/02/2020 23:31

The relationship you have with her doesn’t need to end when their relationship does. Be there for both of them, do not take sides and let her known that no matter what happens you are still around.

BackforGood · 05/02/2020 23:31

He is speaking sense, you are BU to 'put him off' it is not your business. Commend him for being brave enough to end it and keep in touch with her If she wants to and it is appropriate. Don't involve yourself.

This ^

Keep out of it !

smashstore · 05/02/2020 23:32

Myself and his girlfriends mum will be really upset as we are friends.

I don't understand this.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/02/2020 23:39

AIBU asking him to think about it fully and not make any decisions he may come to regret.

Why is this apparently such an unreasonable thing for her to say?! I would have thought any caring parent would suggest something similar.

pigsDOfly · 05/02/2020 23:39

If you care for them both then you'll leave them to live their own lives and not try to influence your son's decision because of how it impacts on you.

waterlego · 05/02/2020 23:43

I feel for you OP and I think some responses have been unnecessarily harsh. You’ve done nothing wrong in having these feelings, but it would be wrong to act on them. You have to let him make his own decisions without interference. Hope you can stay friends with the woman and her mum. 💐

Willweeverfindout · 05/02/2020 23:44

I split up with my boyfriend of almost 7 years at 23. Our mums are still friends. I’m nearly 40. The ex and I have nothing to do with each other. They see each other regularly. It’s fine.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/02/2020 23:49

I know someone who married his gf became they had been together for about 6 years and their families were so meshed together that he couldn’t see past it. In truth, he loved her and he loved her family but not enough to last a lifetime. Those relationships were damaged far more by the fallout from their divorce a couple of years later than they would had been if he had had the guts to break it off beforehand.
I don’t miss my ex bf. I never have. But I have also never stopped missing his parents. We were together for 4 years and I loved them.

kateandme · 05/02/2020 23:56

you can still be as good friends.if they part nicely.maybe even more so because there wont be a future where you have to take sides.your just good friends.
and you can still make it clear to her you care for her.
i can understand because my bil is like a brother to me and i wouldnt ever not want him in my life.hes been there through some of the most horrfic times.but my sister is my sister and her happiness is something id do anything for

NameChangeNugget · 06/02/2020 00:13

Not your call. Don’t be that Mum. Support him

SandyY2K · 06/02/2020 00:20

I think some couples get together and stay together from a very young age.

They can miss out on stuff. It's a shame he feels unable to do certain things and feels he's missing out though.

There isn't anything I want to do now I'm married, that I couldn't do as a single person.

If his relationship is such that he can't do the things he wants..maybe it's not the right relationship for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2020 00:24

If your son feels as though he wants to break up with her, he probably should. Keep your nose well out.

zurigirl · 06/02/2020 00:32

I am still super creeped out about the fact that my parents have stayed Facebook friends with an ex of mine... he even stayed in contact with my grandparents for a while too.

I can't bring myself to tell them that he was controlling and emotionally abusive while we were together.

I'm not saying this is the case with your son and his girlfriend, but it's worth remembering that a person/relationship can be very different behind closed doors.

zurigirl · 06/02/2020 00:36

With another guy, a little while after I broke up with him, a friend said she was really surprised and had always thought we'd be together forever. The reality there was that I had started thinking about breaking up with him six or eight months earlier, but felt I couldn't because we were in the same houseshare and I was worried about creating a bad atmosphere... so I convinced myself I should try and make it work and it just created a lot of resentment for me.

Didkdt · 06/02/2020 00:49

There are relationships that last a lifetime where they meet young, marry young and grow old together
But that is because THEY want to
Your son wants to spread his wings, try things, the fact that he doesn't feel he can do that with her tells you what you need to know
He may grow as a person away from her, she may grow away from him they may come back together in the future as older wiser more exoerienced people more content with themselves and able to connect to each other
But please don't think you know better if he wants to break free love him and respect that
DO NOT BE THE MIL FROM HELL who has always loved his first GF more

Rubyupbeat · 06/02/2020 01:18

When my son split from his girlfriend after 9 years, I was heartbroken, I loved her and had watched them grow up from 15 years olds. I even felt cross with him deep down for ending it (he never cheated) and wanted to beg him to reconsider. But I knew that was stupid, as it's their life and their choice. It was an awful time and bearing in mind me and his ex would meet up for coffee, which was sad too. Anyway, 7 years on, both are in really great relationships, his ex is married, me and hubby attended her wedding, We also always met up for a meal every couple of months. My son has been with his wonderful girlfriend for 6 years, and we get on so bloomin' well, I love spending time with her, also we are really good friends with her parents, and often go out together.
I have always been upfront about meeting his ex and have said if they find it awkward I would stop. But they have no problem, all agreeing they have moved on.
I read these posts about awful mils and how much animosity there can be, but really dont understand it, I am lucky to experience such love and closeness.
It will get easier, even though at the time you wont believe it.

Rubyupbeat · 06/02/2020 01:20

Meant to say, I dont see his ex as his ex anymore. She is a friend of mine and I see her as such.

user1471449295 · 06/02/2020 01:27

I think you should live your life and let him live his. Do you have friends? A job? Hobbies?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread