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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have an affair?

34 replies

SinCitysCold · 05/02/2020 21:52

I know IABU, but I can't stop thinking about it.

When i met DH, everything was great, and even though he was a bit unusual, I fell madly in love with him. Twelve years later, we have one DS, who's now 5, and DH has both mental and physical health problems which mean he will never again have a job. I support us all on my salary, which is decent enough, but nothing special. DH and I don't have a sex life because of his mental health problems (basically, he's too depressed) and I really don't fancy him any more because of this.
He won't go for couples counseling, or for counseling/psychiatric help for himself, although he is on a lot of medication for his various problems.
If I divorce him, he won't be able to support himself, and the benefits he would receive are minimal and not enough to have anything like the standard of living he currently has. (We're not in the UK.). I would also be very worried about the toll the divorce would have on his mental health, and his ability to parent DS successfully. I think it would be a shitshow, tbh.
So for DS's sake at least, it's best if we stay together. Also, I do love him, albeit platonically these days. I am his carer, to all intents and purposes.
I travel for work one week a month. I met a man this week who made me feel alive and young, and ... I haven't felt that in so long. He's a bit younger than me (I'm 42) and has made it clear he's interested in me.
I know this is a really really bad idea. I know it. And i know that no-one here is going to say "go have an affair, it'll be great!" But the thought of just trudging along in my current situation until one or both of us die, is just so god awful, I want to cry.
If DH never finds out about it, is it really so bad? Can i have one nice thing just for me?

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 05/02/2020 21:58

Problem is that these things never work out like you think they will do.
You may become too invested and leave yourself vulnerable to be hurt. It's a way to take your mind off things but it's not a long term solution. Take care

VeniceQueen2004 · 05/02/2020 22:14

You do not have to stay in this marriage. You will not be doing right by your son by doing so. You deserve happiness. You are not responsible for what happens to your DH if you divorce him.

Having an affair won't fix your life or help you to bear it. It will blow it up. Fix your life.

ScarlettBlaize · 05/02/2020 22:37

Yeah, sounds like a great idea, will definitely improve your situation. Go for it!

Servalan · 05/02/2020 22:53

Does your DH realise how unhappy you are, and if so, what steps is he prepared to take to move things forward for you both? It sounds as though you are carrying all the responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing. It takes both parties being willing to work together to make a relationship work. You can be compassionate to your husband and have expectations of him to work with you to fix things. If he refuses to take responsibility for things he could change, maybe you need to ask yourself why you are agreeing to shoulder all the responsibility.

As for an affair - not unreasonable to be tempted - terrible idea to give into temptation.

FleabagTeabag · 06/02/2020 07:51

Well, lots and lots of people do it. You wouldn't be the first and you most definitely would not be the last.

CakeandCustard28 · 06/02/2020 07:56

And having an affair behind his back wouldn’t be a shitstorm and effect his mental health no?

KundaliniRising · 06/02/2020 07:59

You need to be totally honest to your dh about how you are feeling.

Then go from there.

If it is time to end your marriage because he refuses to engage with help, counselling etc then there is only 2 options that are honourable.

stay in a loveless constricting partnership.
finish the relationship.

But to maintain your integrity you need to be totally up front with him.

AngstyAnnie · 06/02/2020 08:01

Oh OP your situation sounds so shit but it will most likely become much worse if you go through with an affair. End your marriage and live your life. I know it will be hard to do but it will be so much worse if it's ended as the result of infidelity and the messy bitterness that goes along with it.

Stressedout10 · 06/02/2020 08:03

Leave him don't cheat!
If you think that a divorce would damage his mh what exactly do you think finding out that you cheated will do (it always comes out in the end), and then the subsequent divorce.

Reallybadidea · 06/02/2020 08:04

Firstly, don't be sure that your DH will never find out. These things do have a habit of coming out and sometimes in the most unexpected of ways, no matter how careful the parties involved are.

Secondly, I think an affair has the potential to mess with your head terribly. I think that you're so desperate for companionship and affection that you will find it very difficult not to develop strong feelings for anyone who can offer you these things. Rather than having a bit of meaningless fun, I think you will end up being torn in two.

If your DH won't go for therapy, that doesn't mean you can't. I think you should find someone to talk the whole situation through with to work out a way forward for you, with or without your DH.

Qwerty543 · 06/02/2020 08:05

End it OP. Even if you go ahead with an affair, and I honestly wouldn't blame you, your marriage will be over as you'll probably fall for the OM whether that worked out or not.

QuentinWinters · 06/02/2020 08:05

You don't have to stay married to him to do the things you think are best for DS. You could pay your H a reasonable amount of child maintenance so he can maintain care of DS for example.

CalleighDoodle · 06/02/2020 08:06

Just leave him. He is an adult doing nothing to help
Himself or you.

ferrier · 06/02/2020 08:09

there is are only 2 options that are honourable.
1) stay in a loveless constricting partnership.
2) finish the relationship

There are other options such as separation and open relationships.

Tombliwho · 06/02/2020 08:10

What's his mental health likely to be like when he discovers the affair?

ethelfleda · 06/02/2020 08:12

OP, it sounds like a terrible situation and and I’m sure nobody blames you for considering it. The fact that you haven’t jumped straight in to an affair says good things about your character at least - you are clearly hesitant.
I would just say, try to remember your wedding vows. I would be honest and give your marriage one last ‘give it everything’ shot... and if it doesn’t work then divorce is your only option.
I sincerely hope things improve for you. Don’t have the affair - it’ll make you feel worse in the long run.

Logfootlightoe · 06/02/2020 08:16

Try counselling together? He needs to get help, and if he refuses and won’t take steps to deal with any of this you DO NOT need to stay in this marriage.
He’s an adult, he isn’t your sole responsibility.
Can you imagine staying with him for another 10 years like this? 20, 30?

SandyY2K · 06/02/2020 08:20

I can't say YABU in your situation.

I really don't think I could stay in a marriage like that and be happy. It sounds depressing.

It would honestly affect my own mental health, then DS would have 2 parents who struggle. That's not a great situation for your son.

His refusal to get help would probably be the reason I either divorce or step out.

An affair isn't the long term solution, though I can understand the temptation.

Catsinpjs · 06/02/2020 08:25

Having the affair might be the kick up the bum you need to leave your husband. It's not your issue if he can't/won't look after himself and he's currently sucking the life out of you. He's obviously not interested so find someone who is.

Fairylea · 06/02/2020 08:27

You might find that if you tell your dh this and how you’re feeling that it might give him a push to properly address his depression and get help.

Noconceptofnormal · 06/02/2020 08:28

This is a bit of a Lady Chatterley's lover situation isn't it.

I can see how you think it would be kinder to your husband to do this and maybe it would be, as effectively you don't have a marriage anymore you are a carer. Personally I think as long as it is very discreet and there's no way he could find out it would actually be a terrible thing to do.

It's difficult to say what can be done to help your husbands situation without knowing more. But I do think that you need to talk to him to say you can't go on the way things are and he needs to seek help for his depression. At the age you both are I think you both deserve to have another shot at happiness whether it's together or apart.

TheReef · 06/02/2020 08:32

Can you talk to your dh about an open relationship?

Tbh I completely understand why you are staying, it's not just for your dc, but also because your dh is completely reliant on you. It's almost like you gave 2 dc to care for.

Selfishly life it too short to be stuck in a shitty relationship

Yeahwhatevs · 06/02/2020 08:46

I think you're putting your husband first too much OP. It's not fair on you and your DC to decide not to get any help for his mental health issues. In some ways it's a bit like an addict, if someone is enabling him, he doesn't need to seek help. The thing is, you cannot do it for him if he doesn't want it enough.

I agree with PP, seek counselling for yourself to deal with your guilt at possibly leaving your husband. You can be there as a friendly support post divorce but not having to give up your entire life to someone who refuses to help himself. It maybe worth sitting him down first and saying you're at breaking point to give him the chance to take action.

ExhaustedGrinch · 06/02/2020 08:59

Thing is if you leave it will impact his mental health, if you have an affair it will impact his mental health ... BUT, if you stay then it's going to impact yours!

He is selfish enough to not seek help for his problems so why shouldn't you be 'selfish' enough to leave him get on with his life so you can have yours?

FWIW I have mental health issues and it would destroy me to think someone was with me out of pity or feeling trapped.

Noooblerooble · 06/02/2020 09:37

Your partner has a significant issue which is affecting you all which he won't get help for. I appreciate depression can be vile but equally there are often lots of ways to tackle it. Therapy can be effective for lots of people. You are doing the classic female thing of taking responsibility for his emotions. It won't go well for him if you leave, ok maybe, but his life is ultimately his responsibility. Yes it would be tragic if you left and he sank. Equally he might sink anyway. And it might be the push he needs to sort himself out if you do go. But that's up to him.

I left a partner with severe depression who refused to get help over many months. He had many wonderful qualities and it was a very difficult decision but it was draining all the joy out of me and funnily enough, I matter too, as do you. Watching someone suffer and refuse to do anything about it grinds you down. I am so relieved nearly 10 years on that I haven't been living with his depression - it became everything in our relationship. It was very freeing leaving. And he has been ok. Not great, maybe, but the things I was fearing would happen to him didn't happen.

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