To want to have an affair?

[SinCitysCold]

I know IABU, but I can't stop thinking about it.

When i met DH, everything was great, and even though he was a bit unusual, I fell madly in love with him. Twelve years later, we have one DS, who's now 5, and DH has both mental and physical health problems which mean he will never again have a job. I support us all on my salary, which is decent enough, but nothing special. DH and I don't have a sex life because of his mental health problems (basically, he's too depressed) and I really don't fancy him any more because of this.
He won't go for couples counseling, or for counseling/psychiatric help for himself, although he is on a lot of medication for his various problems.
If I divorce him, he won't be able to support himself, and the benefits he would receive are minimal and not enough to have anything like the standard of living he currently has. (We're not in the UK.). I would also be very worried about the toll the divorce would have on his mental health, and his ability to parent DS successfully. I think it would be a shitshow, tbh.
So for DS's sake at least, it's best if we stay together. Also, I do love him, albeit platonically these days. I am his carer, to all intents and purposes.
I travel for work one week a month. I met a man this week who made me feel alive and young, and ... I haven't felt that in so long. He's a bit younger than me (I'm 42) and has made it clear he's interested in me.
I know this is a really really bad idea. I know it. And i know that no-one here is going to say "go have an affair, it'll be great!" But the thought of just trudging along in my current situation until one or both of us die, is just so god awful, I want to cry.
If DH never finds out about it, is it really so bad? Can i have one nice thing just for me?

You only get one life, and if your relationship with your husband is purely platonic, you owe it to yourself to end it, and find true love! (in simplistic terms).
Totally understand what you’re saying but you don’t have to put his wants & needs first, you really don’t.
It may be a shitshow, but you’ll all get through it and it may even work out for the best for everyone. Good luck OP

I think you should leave your DH. You sound like you feel very responsible for him yet this isn't what a marriage should be based on.
An affair could blow up horribly and you could end up being the bad guy if you get caught.
I dont blame you for considering it but dont think it's the answer.

My friend finally left her seriously depressed partner after 15 years of misery

It was the kick up the arse for him to get actual help. She still cares for him deeply. But it actually worked out better for both of them

There is never an excuse for cheating.
Do the right thing by your husband, and if not for him then for your son - and get a divorce.

YANBU to want an affair in your circumstances. I can see totally how fantasising about that is taking away from the situation you're in.

YWBU to have one.

You absolutely shouldn't be trapped and caring for your husband's mental health shouldn't be put before caring for your own and your child(ren).

I think its time for a frank discussion about him getting further help.

Leaving him is honestly kinder than cheating on him. Cheating on him would destroy his MH far more, trust me.

OP I wouldn't judge you at all if you did in this situation.

If you have an affair that could be to the detriment of your own mental health, your husband's and your son's. Do the decent thing and leave the marriage if it's not working. You can leave on amicable terms and then later you can have a different relationship that suits you better. So YABU to have an affair - affairs involve deception and are never good.

I wouldn't blame you at all. You are supporting your DH and care enough about him not to abandon him to cope with his poor mental health alone. However you also have needs, and one of those is to feel attractive and loved. You are not getting this from your DH because he is not able to do this. He's lost in his unhappy world and nothing you have done has changed that.

Ensure you have safe sex, and have STD checks if required. Make sure DH isn't aware of the affair, and just enjoy it. Don't get too emotionally involved if it's never going anywhere. Getting hurt should not be part of the deal.

I can't understand people saying you should be chained to someone in the depths of despair and to join him there, or leave him to fend for himself. Many people with mental health problems end up homeless and I can see this may happen as he can't care for himself.