to think school could be doing more?

[WorriedMumOfTeen]

My daughter has hated school for a long time (she's 15,in Yr 10). She's not had an easy life (due to her dad, my ex, mainly emotional abuse) but we had always been close until the last year or so.
I've been in to school several times for meetings about attendance and putting action plans in place. The last action plan was for me to make sure she goes to school every day (duh, not that I don't do that anyway...)
She has missed quite a bit of school this year, some to illness and some to her anxiety / melt downs.
However, I feel school aren't helping us. They know all her history and what's happened but I just keep getting threatening letters about her attendance and giving her demerits and detentions for behaviour and missed homework. I fully support that they need to punish her for those things but I just feel so lost.
We had a home visit from the education welfare officer where I tried to explain but she literally wasn't interested. I've spoke to our GP who gave us some websites for her to look at.
She's struggling with the amount of work, failing assessments and has got to a stage where she doesn't care anymore. I don't believe this is really her though and I'm worried she's possibly depressed..
She's not sleeping well or eating properly. I just don't know where to go next...
Has anyone got any advice or ideas of what I can do? I've decided I'm not very good at this parenting thing! 😔

Sorry to hear your DD is having such a rough time. She sounds depressed and stressed - my first port of call would be the GP and say websites aren’t enough.

After that talk to pastoral staff in school. Be clear what exactly you want them to do.

Attendance letters and EWO visits are way out of their control. If her attendance is bad enough for that then she will be monitored very closely.

I find with my students who get into a similar pattern it all gets overwhelming. The school will continue to apply their policies and rules around homework etc, speaking as a teacher I can assure you we have very little choice and are denied professional discretion in this kind of case. I notice you mention behaviour as well - I’m guessing that’s her expressing frustration and overwhelm.

In the short term look at her workload and help her with organising and prioritising it. Focus on one piece at a time. But really your priority is her mental health, and that needs the right professional help.

Hi, no advice really but I read your post and I wanted to say don't be hard on yourself, I'm sure you're doing a great job. I have a 15 year old daughter and it's bloody hard, be kind to yourself.

I don't understand all votes being 75% YABU, I took YANBU to mean you want the school to be more supportive?

If you suspect she’s depressed, take her to the GP. They can also refer you to CAMHS, which sounds like it might be useful also. Has she had any counselling or anything for the emotional abuse, and does she see her dad at all now? Could it be continuing?

Are there any places for help in your area like CAMHS? We had a talk from school recently and they seem to really understand children and have lots of support available.

PS I mean someone from CAMHS came in to speak to us at school (this was specifically about transition to secondary school). I also see I cross posted with @Emmelina about CAMHS but just to say, the support we were offered through the talk at school wasn't based on GP referral, it was just, please come and talk to us if you need us.

For example, one of the services she flagged up was the local branch of Open Minds openmindsuk.org.uk

What would you like school to do?

How is it school's fault she has an abusive father? How exactly do you want them to make up for that
They are required by law to chase up poor attendance- hence the letters. Plus you have agreed in face-to-face meetings that she will attend.
She is behaving badly in school- that is her choice, not school's! She is choosing not to complete homework- again, that is her inaction, not the school's fault.
If she is depressed, take her to the GP. She is old enough to begin taking personal responsibility for her learning, and needs to pull her finger out. School can't have an impact on her if a) she's hardly there, b) she's behaving badly, c) she's not even doing the work they've set.
YABVU in summary.

Her not sleeping or eating properly is also on your head I'm afraid. What does she say when you ask her why she's not eating?

I'm having the same atm, my y7 is having a hard time adjusting to secondary school and had a lot of anxiety.
Today I got a phone call telling me how important it is for her to be in school (I know) how I will end up getting fined(yep also know) how my 11 year old will have to stand in front of a judge (not helpful).
Most days I can just about get her in (she is about 20 minutes late because I have 2 other children I need to get to school).
But today she totally refused to go screaming at me that she is scared.
I mean what can I do, I've tried being the nice parent, tried tough love as well.
I physically can not drag her there, what else do they expect me to do.

I'm not sure if the school can do more, did you have anything particular in mind?

it may be that your daughter needs some other help though, which is outside of the school remit. You mention possible depression. is that something you've discussed with the GP? if not perhaps your daughter would benefit from an appointment with them?

Another one wanting to ask what you want the school to do....

CAMHS is massively over-stretched at the minute. Schools are trying to pick up the slack but it is a hell of a job.

You need to be actively pursuing support through your GP.

I would focus on the gp and accessing some mental health support.
There are things school can do to support mental health. The Not Fine in School website has lots of useful advice.

What do you want/ expect from school?
If she won't attend, how can they help?

No the school might not be able to wave a magic wand, but schools will know the children who are taking the piss (not wanting to go because they can not be bothered) to the children who need a bit more support because of anxiety, depression and instead of threatening the parents maybe they can just be a bit more sympathetic.

Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry if it came across like I'm blaming school or expecting them to sort it.
Yes, she is definitely overwhelmed by ever. On options evening she had some sort of panic attack, her pastoral head of house was there and helped calm her down.
I will go back to our GP.
Sorry, I wasn't expecting school to sort it, I know I'm the parent, I've just not done this before so thought I'd ask some other parents.
Thank you for the replies and kind words ☺

You need to speak to the sendco and explain about her mental health issues. Who are the attendance meetings with? Ask for a meeting with the sendco and head of year and any attendance person. Involve your daughter. She is 15, she should be able to say what she needs. Why does she hate school? Discuss the lessons where she is failing. Why is this happening? Non attendance, not working, send? Could she have a modified timetable?
However, you need to think about what you can do too. Why did you agree to the action plan if you felt it wasn't going to work? You need to present school with what you think would work rather than just agreeing a plan and then ignoring it. Maybe it needs to be more detailed with if.... then... statements for a range of situations.
It sounds like there needs to be a bit of listening and creativity on all sides, including your daughter.

The vast majority of children who are anxious or low in mood are still medically fit to attend school. In fact, it's recommended that they keep to their normal routine (which means attending school) as much as possible, with reasonable adjustments in place if necessary. Unfortunately, the more time children spend out of school the more daunting it is to go back. They fall behind with their work, they become disconnected from their friends, they get used to staying at home and never having to step out of their comfort zone. In rare cases where a child is so severely depressed or anxious that they genuinely can't attend school, parents need to produce medical evidence (a letter from CAMHS or the GP), school can't just take parents word for it because unfortunately some parents lie. We've had parents claim their child was too anxious to come to school and then it turned out they were keeping them home for their own reasons- to care for younger siblings, because they were hiding suspicious bruises, in one case it was so the teenage kids could work for the family business so they didnt have to pay staff.

OP, if you believe your DD has a mental health issue then you need to take her back to the GP and push for a CAMHS referral.

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and to be constantly getting demerits and detentions for behaviour and missed homework must be very demoralising for her. She probably has given up at this stage. Some very harsh posts here, ignore them. Your daughters sounds like she is depressed and she needs help. You are doing your best, it is a very hard job raising a teenager but raising one who is depressed and anxious is a complete nightmare. Skim over the judgmental gimps here, they have obviously never dealt with what you are dealing with. You sound like a mother who loves her daughter and is doing her best but has come to the end of her rope. Hang in there xx

Just to say I am in a similar position with a yr 10 DD who is struggling with low mood and in a similar position with the school, although she always attends. I was beside myself with her being withdrawn from classes and continuous detentions. She is permanently in a low mood or floods of tears but has a good friendship group, supportive parents and a good life. I spoke to her HoY because I could not understand why she was so distressed, I said that I was making a doctors appointment and wondered if the school thought her actions were reasonable and within the normal range, the HoY has requested feedback from all of her teachers, he has given her a class pass should she feel overwhelmed, which has been used twice in a fortnight, and requested senco and pasteral support as well as changing her tutor group. This is in a very large school with over 300 children per year group. Schools are very able to help and seeing so many teachers going out of their way to try to help her has stopped the cycle of poor behaviour followed by punitive punishments which fuels more poor behaviour. Keep asking for help and keep communicating with your DD.

If she does attend why is she getting demerits for behaviour and unfinished homework? You need to be encouraging her homework and asking why she’s misbehaving. The school can’t make her do work or behave, that’s what you need to get to the root of.

You poor thing OP it sounds really difficult for you and DD. Like PP I would keep badgering the GP. Say you've read the websites but they're not nearly enough to help DD. Do you have any idea how the school could support DD? How about a reduced timetable? Are there pastoral support staff available at school? Can they send some work home to help her catch up?

The last action plan was for me to make sure she goes to school every day (duh, not that I don't do that anyway...)
She has missed quite a bit of school this year, some to illness and some to her anxiety / melt downs.

Not sure both these things can be true.

They are placing the responsibility for your child’s school attendance in the correct place: with you.

In terms of what you can actually do about it, that’s clearly a different story and it’s now about what medical help can be found to support your child.

Good luck.

@mantarays

They are placing the responsibility for your child’s school attendance in the correct place: with you.

Errr no not all schools are as useless and uncaring as you seem to suggest. My friend's daughter had similar problems with anxiety (she was adopted and had emotional issues resulting from her early childhood). The school were incredibly supportive. They had a specific calm room at school she was allowed to go there when panicking. She was also able to drop some GCSE subjects to enable her to concentrate on the really important ones. They also worked very closely with her parents so that they worked together to get her attendance up. If a child has known mental health issues it's obvious the school are going to have to provide support not just pressure the parents to do what they're already trying to do.

I'm sorry you're daughter is struggling so much.

Firstly, I would head back to the GP and explain that the websites haven't helped and you need further support.

Next, make an appointment to see the SENCO and pastoral person at your daughter's school to discuss what can be offered. Would a reduced timetable help? Going somewhere quiet instead of to the form room in the morning? Somewhere quieter to eat lunch? Time out pass? Could she arrive a little later when everyone else is in form? Even if these things are just temporary, they may help to get her back into the habit of going to school.