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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think school could be doing more?

43 replies

WorriedMumOfTeen · 05/02/2020 18:11

My daughter has hated school for a long time (she's 15,in Yr 10). She's not had an easy life (due to her dad, my ex, mainly emotional abuse) but we had always been close until the last year or so.
I've been in to school several times for meetings about attendance and putting action plans in place. The last action plan was for me to make sure she goes to school every day (duh, not that I don't do that anyway...)
She has missed quite a bit of school this year, some to illness and some to her anxiety / melt downs.
However, I feel school aren't helping us. They know all her history and what's happened but I just keep getting threatening letters about her attendance and giving her demerits and detentions for behaviour and missed homework. I fully support that they need to punish her for those things but I just feel so lost.
We had a home visit from the education welfare officer where I tried to explain but she literally wasn't interested. I've spoke to our GP who gave us some websites for her to look at.
She's struggling with the amount of work, failing assessments and has got to a stage where she doesn't care anymore. I don't believe this is really her though and I'm worried she's possibly depressed..
She's not sleeping well or eating properly. I just don't know where to go next...
Has anyone got any advice or ideas of what I can do? I've decided I'm not very good at this parenting thing! 😔

OP posts:

ultrablue · 05/02/2020 19:52

Sorry you are going through this I know how worrying and frustrating it is.

My DS went through this when he transferred to sixth form at a different school. His anxiety levels went through the roof so much so that they became physical symptoms of retching or vomiting for four hours plus every day, heartburn and acid reflux, I did insist on taking him into school even if only for an hour once the retching ceased.

His school bent over backwards to support him, let him drop an A'level which they rarely do, arranged for a councillor, etc etc. GP prescribed anxiety medication which has helped, but school went out of their way working with me, sometimes on a daily basis to ensure that he could stay with them and work into getting into university. He now has an unconditional offer at his first choice.

He still struggles greatly to attend and I know that they have put things in place for him that I don't know about as he is now an adult, but he's attending now. It's been an uphill struggle but he is now coming through the other side.

Talk to the school and see how they can support your DD more than they can at the moment.

Goodmum1234 · 05/02/2020 19:56

What that girl needs from school is compassion, care and love not threatening letters etc. No advice really but look at the work of Suzanne Zeedyk - fears teddy bears and sabre tooth tigers. Watch this amazing woman on YouTube. Life changing xx hth

mantarays · 05/02/2020 20:03

Errr no not all schools are as useless and uncaring as you seem to suggest

I didn’t. I suggested that school attendance is ultimately her responsibility, and their letters etc have to reflect that.

BottleOfJameson · 05/02/2020 21:04

@WorriedMumOfTeen

You're talking absolute rubbish! If School is causing acute anxiety then improving her attendance needs to be a joint effort between school and home. In fact a lot of the responsibility is on the school since they have a responsibility to make reasonable accommodations so that OP's DD feels able to attend (lots of suggestions on this thread - reduced timetable, time out pass, quiet area, counselling on site etc). Sending threatening letters is obviously stupid and counter productive when OP has made it clear she'd wants her DD to attend and needs support to make that happen.

Waveysnail · 05/02/2020 21:08

What do you think would help? Reduced homework or no homework or reduced timetable - spending time in school library instead to catch up on homework for subjects she is still doing?

Waveysnail · 05/02/2020 21:09

Can she articulate the parts she finds stressful?

DuckWillow · 06/02/2020 07:29

There's a FB group called Not Fine in School which has some very knowledgeable people who have been through all this. It's well worth a look.

mantarays · 06/02/2020 08:26

Sending threatening letters is obviously stupid and counter productive when OP has made it clear she'd wants her DD to attend and needs support to make that happen.

They’re not “threatening letters”. They are letters describing the legal position. The OP is responsible for her daughter’s attendance at school. There could well be legal consequences if her daughter fails to attend, and the school has to inform her of that.

BottleOfJameson · 06/02/2020 14:10

@mantarays

Have some common sense.Read the many other sensible replies describing what good schools will do to help children who are struggling. Not all DC's can cope in mainstream school without adaptations. Sending letters as op has described won't help as you well know, what would help us the school describing to op how they are prepared to help her DD access her education. Lots of schools do this. No parent can physically force a child into schooland nor would they want to if their mental health was at risk, whatever ridiculous legal action was threatened.

taratill · 06/02/2020 14:35

I have been in a similar position.
You cannot force a child to go to school. It sounds as though she has anxiety and/or other mental health problems.

It is entirely inappropriate for parents of children with these issues to be fined/ visited by EWO , it makes matters worse.

I'd go back to GP, sadly she is unlikely to meet CAMHS criteria as they are woefully overstretched.

You need to contact SENCO and ask for support/ maybe a reduced time table, time out cards?

As others have said the Not Fine In School website/ Facebook page are good resources. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this, that was mindblowing for me as I thought for a long time that I was.

If your child cannot face school then don't send them. MENTAL HEALTH is MORE IMPORTANT than anything including their education AND LA's have to put in alternative provision after 15 days of absence for any reason, including anxiety.

Good luck and AGAIN - you are not alone. Ignore those who parent blame they have NO IDEA!

taratill · 06/02/2020 14:37

@mantarays

Your understanding of the legal position on this is incorrect the SEN Code of Practice and . s.19 of the Education Act are your starting points should you wish to understand the position on how a local authority / School should respond when a child is struggling in education.

bridgetreilly · 06/02/2020 14:52

Your job is to care for your daughter. One way you could do that is simply not telling her about the letters. You know that they won't make any difference to her attendance. Just file them away and carry on doing your best to help her.

LonginesPrime · 06/02/2020 14:54

You need to be actively pursuing support through your GP

^ This.

If she has MH issues then she needs to be referred for help by the GP.

It's important to clarify exactly why she's unable to attend school - if it's because of ill health (including MH) then that's a different situation and once this has been established and evidence provided, you should stop receiving letters about truanting and EWO visits.

The key, though, is that if she needs MH help (either to get back into school or to cope when there), then that should be provided to her.

As a PP says, though, CAMHS are massively overstretched in most areas and you will usually have to push for help to be provided. You might get lucky, but be prepared to chase and chase to get your DD some help.

KatieB55 · 06/02/2020 15:13

Please check there is no underlying physical cause before seeking help for mental health - many people with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia) are diagnosed with anxiety/panic attacks/stress before being investigated. See POTS UK website for symptoms.

hydeandrun · 06/02/2020 15:19

How is it school's fault she has an abusive father? How exactly do you want them to make up for that

gosh, some right twats are having a field day today.

mumwon · 06/02/2020 15:55

can I suggest that perhaps taking a different approach? Arrange a visit to a couple of colleges -vocational ones - & get her to chat to one of their advisors there - see if there is something that might interest her or something that she might consider as a career - visit more than one & ring up & explain to them before that she is feeling stressed - the college adviser who is most understanding & empathetic will stand more chance of giving her more insight into a future - looking forward to a post school career

mumwon · 06/02/2020 15:58

Sorry thinking this through - she might be able to reduce the number of courses she takes - especially if she gets some mental health support/diagnosis

Northernsoulgirl45 · 06/02/2020 16:58

I am having similar issues with my year 9 dd. She has barely been in school since January. School won't authorise absense without medical evidence but nothing we can provide is good enough.

She is on waiting list for CAHMS but they won't even return my calls.

No EWO involvemeny yet but like you op ecpecting a fine in due course despite sen dept seeing her highly anxious state
I have decided to see if we qualify for early help. I really don't want to but nothing is working right now. I ferl like a failure but deep know I know we have been failed by the system. Very ironic as it us Children's mrntal health awareness week.

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