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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To feel like a crap mum?

52 replies

CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 13:11

My DS4 is a really lovely, intelligent boy but has his moments of hitting out like all 4 year olds.
He attends nursery, and has hit out a few times saying his friends have annoyed him. Teachers have been dealing with this putting him on time out, and I have been doing behaviour Reward charts at home with him to stop him hitting/pushing.
Teacher pulled me aside today and told me a few different parents have complained about DS, and not wanting their kids to play with him. (Although we’ve also had problems of said parents children hitting my DS leaving marks etc but I’ve never complained as I know they’re still learning at that age.) Sad
I’m trying my best to stop this behaviour but this has made me feel awful like I’m not doing enough. AIBU to feel like this? Or are the other parents being unreasonable the kids who attend are 2-4 years old so surely it comes with the territory?

OP posts:
LovingLola · 05/02/2020 13:14

Can the teachers watch to see when he is hitting? Do you think their supervision is sufficient?

Purplelion · 05/02/2020 13:16

I think YABU unreasonable to say all 4 year olds hit out. I have worked with children for almost 20 years, have 3 of my own and the ones that hit are the minority not the majority

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 05/02/2020 13:17

At that age you can't really usefully react after the event, he needs to be removed immediately from the situation. Of course you can work with him at home to help him find ways to calm down when he's frustrated but at 4 sometimes they simply don't have the impulse control to stop themselves.

It's not nice when your child comes home having been hurt but some parents are also a bit naive about how much of an angel their child is. Don't worry OP. Work with nursery to tackle the behaviour but don't take the other parents' comments to heart.

SuzieBishop · 05/02/2020 13:18

YADNBU - kids are a blimmin minefield!! My wee boy is 2 and pushed another boy over at a music group we go too. The mum scowled at me even though I obviously apologised! Roll on a few weeks later and her little boy properly hit my DS and she didn’t even acknowledge it! Kids hit and push boundaries and it’s just what they do. It’s how they learn. You are not a terrible mother and don’t ever think that!!!

Original poster
CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 13:18

I don’t think they’re supervising him enough to be honest, it’s a case of to many children and not enough staff. At home I watch him like a hawk and immediately shut it down before he gets to the point of hitting out. I’ve said to them if he’s getting upset or annoyed, to take him to a quiet place in the class room which they have and he’ll just chill out for 5 minutes and be okay again (we do this at hone and works really well.) but they just keep saying he knows where the quiet space is but doesn’t take himself to it.

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 05/02/2020 13:21

Actually I think 4 is quite old to still be hitting. Not saying you should feel “awful” but it’s not really comparable to a 2 year old doing the same thing.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 05/02/2020 13:21

I think you're expecting too much from the nursery workers. They've got lots of kids to consider and supervise.

I'd also add that I don't think it's 'the norm' as such.

crustycrab · 05/02/2020 13:22

I don't think it's fair to say that "hitting goes with the territory". It has always been a small minority of children in my DCs nursery and school hitting other children.

You need to make sure he knows it's not acceptable. Other than that I don't know. But if you've been thinking it's normal behaviour then maybe he does too?

LovingLola · 05/02/2020 13:24

I don’t think they’re supervising him enough to be honest, it’s a case of to many children and not enough staff.

That’s the issue.
Are they outside ratios? How many children are there?

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 05/02/2020 13:27

You need to make sure he knows it's not acceptable. Other than that I don't know. But if you've been thinking it's normal behaviour then maybe he does too?

Yes but it is normal behaviour. Not all kids do it (although it's more than a small minority who have ever hit out) but it's a result of poor impulse control which is totally normal at this age. Of course it's not acceptable but you have to work with the development of the child. Some children experience frustration more strongly and need more help and take more time to respond to it properly.

MrsAgassi · 05/02/2020 13:27

Your child is obviously one of the older ones at the nursery now, so I would suspect that the complaining parents may well have younger children. In the nursery my sister works at parents are usually less bothered if their child is hit by a child the same age than if their young child has been hit by one of the bigger kids.

It does sound as though this is a fairly frequent occurrence though? I would meet with the setting manager and see what else can be put into place.

mcmooberry · 05/02/2020 13:28

Well the nursery ABVVVVVU to tell you that!!!! No wonder you feel crap!!
I have had one pusher which was a nightmare as every time there was a bit of drama in earshot I would know he had struck again, and then the following 2 children were always the "victims" which was, though I hate to say it, frankly much less stressful!! So I sympathise with you and think as he is doing it when at nursery it really is up to them to implement strategies to stop/minimise it and not be telling you things like this. Not clear from your post how frequently and how hard he is hitting them, if hard enough to injure them then parents will understandably want their children protected. Hopefully it will pass soon. Have no advice for how to stop it as I tried a variety of reactions/methods to get my DS to stop pushing children over but I think he actually just grew out of it.

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/02/2020 13:28

It does come to the territory to some extend, but your ds seems to have crossed that boundary.

Don't get upset and defensive as that won't help. Speak with the nursery leader and discuss their approach at nursery to ensure you are being consistent in your approach.

If you take the attitude that it's normal and become defensive about it, your DS will pick up on it. It's essential to pick him up on it every time and to teach him ways to divert his frustrations and anger in a positive way. Are there any specific situations or behaviour that triggers the aggression?

A lot of time what's best with kids who tend to be aggressive is not to tell them what not to do but what they could do instead.

Pleatherandlace · 05/02/2020 13:29

If he’s 4 won’t he be off to school in September? There will be much less supervision there. Just something to bare in mind

Original poster
CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 13:30

There’s around 30 children to 4 adults. He knows hitting is wrong, I tell him every morning on the way to nursery “be nice to your friends, remember to tell teacher if your getting cross with your friends” and when I pick him up if I’m told he’s hit or pushed anyone I tell him every time “hitting is wrong, you’re sad when your friends hit you so you know it’s not nice.” All the usual things you’d say. The kids who are hitting/pushing him are 4 year olds too.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 05/02/2020 13:34

I'd work with nursery staff. There's no point you reacting after the event once you've gone home. That will be totally unrelated in a four year old brain. I would discuss with nursery staff an approach that can be consistent and you can help with at home. For example when he's feeling angry he can go to a quiet corner or ask a member of staff for support. He can then get positive reinforcement for doing this. If he does push he needs to be immediately removed from the situation to calm down.

In my experience even in YR in both of my DC's classes there were still one or two hitters. Not all the time but would occasionally have issues. One in particular had a mum who was a primary teacher herself and was totally mortified. He grew out of it with support though.

keepingbees · 05/02/2020 13:38

Sorry but not all 4 year olds hit. Mine never did, and they didn't experience it from other children either with the exception of one child in my youngest's class.
You're not a bad mum, you just need to find out why he's getting so frustrated and not just accept it as normal. Is it when he's tired, or in retaliation to others hitting?
I agree you need to work with the nursery and be consistent in the discipline between there and home.

firstimemamma · 05/02/2020 13:40

"There’s around 30 children to 4 adults"

He's not far off being in reception and there it is likely to be a similar number of children and just 2 adults. I'm not saying yabu but I don't think the ratios you describe are outrageous either.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 13:41

I agree that if he’s starting school in September then this needs to be nipped in the bud as there will be an even small teacher/student ratio. Does he hit at home?

Funnyface1 · 05/02/2020 13:41

I wouldn't think it was reasonable for a child to routinely hit mine just because he is 4, no. Nursery are right to tell you, you'll need to work together to stop this behaviour.

MmmMalbec · 05/02/2020 13:42

At pre-school and now school, the children who hit are seriously in the minority (I’m talking no more than 2 in a group). I can understand it’s difficult for you but it’s not the other kids faults and I don’t think it should be acceptable for kids to come home having been hit. The issue for me is that the staff can’t manage him properly and should be taking that up with them.

inwood · 05/02/2020 13:43

4 is old to still be hitting out. My kids were August babies and prem so started school when they were three and 10. Hitting outs needs to come to an end when they're small.

LovingLola · 05/02/2020 13:44

What age range are the children?

RunForBurritos · 05/02/2020 13:45

Your child is being hit and there are visible marks?
You are definitely within your rights to mention this, too.
It works both ways.
He could be defending himself against other children, or they could be defending themselves about him.
I don't think at all that you are being a shit parent, you are working on it with him.

Excited101 · 05/02/2020 13:46

Is that all you say to him about hitting? Are you actually telling him off at all or just reminding him you shouldn’t hit others? Some kids hit, and some don’t but the vast majority don’t, and certainly not at 4

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