AIBU To feel like a crap mum?

[CakeandCustard28]

My DS4 is a really lovely, intelligent boy but has his moments of hitting out like all 4 year olds.
He attends nursery, and has hit out a few times saying his friends have annoyed him. Teachers have been dealing with this putting him on time out, and I have been doing behaviour Reward charts at home with him to stop him hitting/pushing.
Teacher pulled me aside today and told me a few different parents have complained about DS, and not wanting their kids to play with him. (Although we’ve also had problems of said parents children hitting my DS leaving marks etc but I’ve never complained as I know they’re still learning at that age.)
I’m trying my best to stop this behaviour but this has made me feel awful like I’m not doing enough. AIBU to feel like this? Or are the other parents being unreasonable the kids who attend are 2-4 years old so surely it comes with the territory?

No he doesn’t hit at home. He can be naughty in other ways like weeing himself because he’s being lazy, or getting silly when he’s tired but he’s generally pretty good but we are quite strict at home. My eldest has ASD/ADHD so we have to be.
I’ll be speaking again to nursery and seeing what else we can do. Just getting annoyed as they expect him to take himself to the quiet area when he’s getting worked up even though I’ve asked if they see him getting cross to encourage him to go chill out for a little while until he’s ready to play nicely again. Thanks for the comments, was close to crying but feel a little better now.

Actually I think 4 is quite old to still be hitting.

Completely agree. Its definitely not the norm and a child that age knows that it is wrong. At nursery children who hit have consequences. You need to come down very firm and hard on this. You seem to have this idea that it's what children this age do. It really isnt.
I dont blame the other parents for complaining.
Please address this, it's not ok for other kids/teachers to be hit.

Is that all you say to him about hitting?

No I’ve made him apologise to kids he’s hit before so he understands it’s wrong. I’ve taken things from him if he’s hit someone that day (I.e losses out on tv time, no pudding etc) I’ve tried pretty much everything.

Other children could be hitting BACK so your son is the instigator.

I think taking himself off and asking him to self regulate like that is an unrealistic expectation.

What triggers him?
Does he have clear boundaries at home?
Do you play with him lots?
Does he ever have friends or cousins over to play where you can model positive play and step in when it looks like it’s going wrong?

Have you considered a parenting course?

@CakeandCustard28 I am in the same boat as you. I have a 3 year old nearly 4 who hits other kids and doesn't really play nicely most of the time. His behaviour in general has been awful and really testing over the past few months. I have often drove to work in tears not knowing what I am doing wrong. I have also been pulled into nursery a few times regarding his behaviour and him hitting and pushing other kids.
I have really cracked down on his behaviour. I used to give him chances but now he does not have any. If he hits someone he no longer plays and he sits down. Don't get me wrong hes screaming and lashing out but its tuff. He doesn't play nicely he doesn't play. I do this with everything, he throws a toy it is removed. I also have made him a star chart with tasks on and he gets stars and a reward. This seems to be working really well.
It is also important that everyone is on same page. My mum was really soft on him and he got away with everything. Well I spoke to everyone and nursery about the new "no chances" rule so everyone was to do the same.
Don't get me wrong all children have their moments but fingers crossed so far going well. His behaviour in general has highly improved.
Do not feel guilty or a bad mum, kids are testing. You just need to find something that works for you and persist with it. You'll get there xx

Maybe I live in an unusual area or something but I can't recall one child I've seen who hasn't hit/kicked/pushed/elbowed or similar for my son's time at nursery!

Keep reiterating where he can go but also find a 4 year old friendly book or even a YouTube video about being able to recognise our own feelings. It's difficult as a 24 year old never mind a 4 year old!

Good luck!

4 to 30 is the right ratio for the age group. When he starts reception it will be 2 to 30. Don't feel bad. I agree with the posters who say that every four year old is different and some will find it harder to manage their emotions than others. Keep doing what you're doing. I'd speak to the key worker after every session with child and say "has Daniel been kind with his hands today?" and then you can give lots of praise for good days too. Keep discussing strategies like walking away and going to the quiet place. Realistically the staff are not going to be able to preempt every situation where he might feel angry. Counting to 10 before acting can also be a good one. Try not to stress. It will pass before you know it.

I don't know any 4 year olds who hit. At 18months/2, it is more accepted as a "stage" alot of them go through, but by 4 years old, they really should be able to understand that they mustn't hit or push anyone. My eldest child is in reception, and most of the children haven't turned 5 yet, so it is mainly a class of 4 year olds, and I'd be horrified if they children were going around hitting eachother. I just couldn't imagine it. Could this simply be rough play getting out of hand, which he's then getting the blame for? I'd ask the teachers to clarify the situations in which the hitting has taken place, if they're chasing eachother, pretending to be dinosaurs etc and your son gets a bit overexcited and hurts another, this could be easily managed by stopping/redirecting the play before it gets out of hand. Or could he possibly be lashing out in self defense because others are hurting/upsetting him? If so, just reiterate with him the importance of getting an adult if someone is unkind to him. You could even role play this with him at home so he feels confident using his words to explain that a friend hurt him. If he is just genuinely hurting others for no apparent reason, then I feel this needs to be dealt with seriously before he starts school, as it will not be tolerated and he will get himself a reputation, which won't be nice.

OP you should never have posted this in AIBU you'll get loads of ignorant nonsense. Always very stupid suggestions. If your child is misbehaving and you do anything other than feel devastated and terrible about yourself you'll get a load of stupid responses (and my DCs have never been hitters so I'm not defensive in the least).

At four years old the consequences need to be immediate so have to happen at nursery, punishment at home after the event is going to be counter productive. As well as just consequences though he needs actual support to recognise when he's feeling agitated and help t calm himself down. It's not a question of knowing that hitting is wrong it's having the impulse control and executive function to be able to react rationally.

I'd honestly just stop reading this thread as it's already full of nonsense. I'd arrange a meeting with nursery and come up with a strategy together. Some kids do just take a bit longer to get these things (just as some kids take longer to learn to read or walk).

I don't think you're a bad parent, but I do think you are very wrong to assume that's it's normal for 4yr olds to go round hitting each other. I have 5 children and they never ever hit other children. I think instead of blaming the school you should be trying to get to the bottom of why your DS is lashing out. Could he be unhappy and/or frustrated about something? You say your eldest has ASD/ADHD. That must be difficult for you. Does this affect the amount of attention you are able to give your DS perhaps?

Also there were definitely kids who lashed out in YR and Y1. Anyone who thinks there aren't are just hiding their head in the sand. My eldest is in Y3 and by Y2 it was definitely only very rare that anything physical would happen and the main instigator of pushing is actually the sweetest little boy now.

Hitting out is NOT typical behaviour at 4 and anyone who is saying it is is massively minimising the situation.

Ohh this has reminded me.
My friends son had a little card laminated and the son kept one in his pocket. It had faces with different expressions and her son uses it if he's getting frustrated. He can point to a face and say how he feels before it escalates. It's working very well at the moment.

It would be 1/25,30 children.

That’s not typical.

It is within normal developmental range for a 4 year old to be hitting when upset or frustrated, usually (though obviously not always) because they don’t know how else to communicate their emotion.

Consistency with firmly stopping him and giving a consequence is essential. But also helping him develop other strategies to express himself.

I’d do lots of work on emotional language and how to say how he is feeling. If he can’t do it himself then doing it for him can help him see what to do. So saying “oh dear, you are feeling very cross that X is playing with the toy you want aren’t you” can help him feel understood.

Saying “why did you do that?” Or other questions can be counterproductive as it is impulsive and he may not know why he did it and he may get more frustrated.

Is he only just 4, or nearly 5. I think 4-5 is a huge leap in terms of social skills and behaviours.

Also, you are NOT a crap mum. You're trying your best in a very difficult situation. I can't suggest anything apart from a zero tolerance approach. It's hard as they are still impulsive at that age, and in the moment when he hits, his brain probably won't be able to think ahead to "I might not get pudding tonight if I do this..." I'd just make sure when you're with him you really lay down the rules around not just hitting, but physically touching anyone else. If he learns he's not to touch another person without their consent, the hitting may just stop once he grasps that concept. We model this at home by telling our children they're allowed to ask for hugs, but not to give hugs if someone doesn't want one, and vice versa they can always say no to physical contact if they don't want it. Make it so it's about his body and his choices, so he feels in control. "kind hands" is also a good approach. Asking him to tell you "what we use our hands for?" Clapping, eating, high fives, drawing, etc, and reminding him that hands must never be used to hurt others. It's hard, I feel for you op, but the school need to be seriously dealing with this during the incidents as it's impossible for you to deal with something you weren't present for. Tell them you are happy for them to take a harsher approach with it if you think that will work.

But the thing is... he never used to hit. These children he hits where the ones who hit and pushed him around last year... and then when September started he was the one hitting/pushing.
He doesn’t lash out at home, he plays nicely and I play 2-3 hours a day with him in between getting him to “help” me do chores. He also plays a lot with DS8 and they play nicely too. His cousins aren’t local, however when they do visit he always plays very nicely with them too. The only thing he does that’s naughty at home is weeing himself (even though he goes to the toilet at school ) it’s like he’s the complete opposite at school to what he is at home. The only trigger I know is that he says they are “annoying” him, I.e being silly when he’s trying to do something.

As a PP said, don't bother asking in AIBU. As you'll find you get a lot of judgement without any knowledge and no useful advice at all. Have a look at an article here it has a break down of the actual leading causes of why children continue to hit when others have grown out of it. The leading course is immaturity. Their prefrontal cortex is simply a little less developed. Children mature at different rates. Ignore this thread OP - there's lots of actual knowledge based advice out there - just not on AIBU.

Thanks for the advice. @Jumpingforgin that actually makes a lot of sense, and I can see him understanding that approach it might just work! Thank you

op given your update I wonder if this is the best setting for your son?

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things in the home environment.

Hitting out at 4 isn't the norm, but it is well within the range of normal. Two very different things.

@Atalune I have considered this however it’s attached to the school he will be attending in September so i can’t really swap the nursery unfortunately. I have considered cutting his hours down but then we’ll have the problem of him not being used to full time school hours in September.

@MiniEggAddiction thanks for the link. I’ll have a read.

It's completely unreasonable for them to expect him to take himself to the quiet area! They should be doing their jobs and managing the children. i think you need to throw this back at them and blame their incompetence. Also, start reporting every time your DS is hit.

I think most kids do hit. I have seen parents act in outrage when my DD3.5 has hit. What's there to be outraged about? It's normal behavior that needs to be managed, the kids aren't axe murderers. The problem is that you are relaxed about other kids hitting your son and this has worked against you, now you need to start reporting each time your DS is hit, however stupid that is.

I would not be happy if my child went to nursery and come home upset because some other kid was hitting them. But I'm not sure if I would tell the teachers that I dont want my child playing with him.
I would be saying that they are there to supervise and discipline when parents aren't around. It's not ok a child hitting, he will learn eventually.
You need to persevere with what you are doing at home.
Otherwise I dont know what else to suggest.