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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Any advice? Am I being unreasonable

31 replies

Stupidhippie · 04/02/2020 21:12

I really need some advice or even to be told to ‘shut up and out up’ as I’m going out of my mind!!

I have a newborn and toddler I stay at home with them. My partner works full time so I get up in the night with the newborn and toddler so he can sleep as much as possible. The tiredness is hitting me hard now and I feel as though I’m just losing it. I tidy through the day (with a toddler I’m doing the same job 20 times) and I get household jobs done through the day I don’t nap cause then in the evening I have that much more to do it’s impossible. When my partner comes home from work he sits down as he’s just got in then he will put our toddler to bed and walk the dog but I’m still going for the next couple of hours. I’ve made tea then I need to clear up the tea stuff, tidy, sort baby out, prep bottles for the night etc! I just feel as though cause it’s my ‘job’ there’s no let up no break no end. I flipped tonight cause baby wouldn’t settle (he’s been like this all day) so my partner took him and became annoyed straight away so I took him back and carried on with the jobs. I said he should be washing up as I made tea or tidying up and he went off in a huff cause his been working all day. Am I being unreasonable should I just be powering through the tiredness cause it’s my job to?? I feel like I’m on my own

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 04/02/2020 21:16

You've been working all day too.

What is his job?

Original poster
Stupidhippie · 04/02/2020 21:34

He works in a call centre as a team leader

OP posts:
FuzzyAtmosphere · 04/02/2020 21:36

I think this type of situation is tough in different ways for both people. It is only a short phase, even though it feels like forever at the time.

happytoday73 · 04/02/2020 21:39

It's a slog for you both... Both need time 'off' in evening. He needs to do at least one night at weekend and you both need some time off at weekend.

HalfBiscuit · 04/02/2020 21:44

I've done his exact job before. It's not the toughest job ever by any means, and I did it in 2006-9 before jobs like that went paperless and it involved far more admin.

A baby and a toddler 24/7 is the harder job by a million miles.

Wearywithteens · 04/02/2020 21:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Charis1503 · 04/02/2020 21:53

Can you ask him to have both kids for a few hours at the weekend and do some batch cooking?

I buy foil trays from the ££ shop and batch cook loads of cottage pies, lasagnes ect. One huge session chopping onions,frying mince ect and no more washing up. I just rinse the foil trays out and recycle. It would buy you an hour or so by not having to cook every nighr or wash up.
Or alternatively switch to pizza and salad type meals to save meal preps and washing.

I agree the situation isnt ideal and it sounds like you are doing more than the lions share - not sure how you can change it - you dont want him doing more childcare and doing it in bad grace or taking out on babies.

Could you negotiate him doing the childcare/dinner for one or 2 days a week? Is he lacking confidence? Is that making him reluctant? If he thinks your supermum he may be warey of looking crap in comparison?

Sh05 · 04/02/2020 22:05

You have also been working all day and it's totally unreasonable of him to go off in a huff. Let the mess start gathering up ( if you have the heart to ) and please look after yourself.
If you cook then he should do the washing up, get him to prep bottles as he's in the kitchen anyway. just doing one bedtime is not enough from him.

Wearywithteens · 04/02/2020 22:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Almostfifty · 04/02/2020 22:09

I was a SAHM, when my DH came home from work, he pitched in, helped with bath and bedtime, we did the washing up together once they were in bed, and then we'd sit down together.

He took the toddler if he woke, as I was up with the baby. He went into the spare room.

Nat6999 · 04/02/2020 22:26

Tell him if he doesn't want to wash up he buys you a dishwasher & gets it installed asap. The hour when tea is ready is usually the witching hour for babies when they get really grumpy & scream, best thing to do is tag team & take it in turns to eat of walk up & down with baby.

Rosebyanothername19 · 04/02/2020 22:26

Handhold for you OP!

I was getting to this point and said to my husband that I really needed a bit if time off to myself. He said 'but every day is a day off for you!'. I managed not to smack him over the head with a frying pan but sat him down and explained exactly what my day entails. If he tried to minimise anything I did, I pointed out that on the surface he just chatted on phone and sent emails all day. It's the mental load and relentlessness that is so draining. He still doesn't quite get it but is being much better.

You are amazing OP and doing a fantastic job! I only have 1 child and I'm lucky if I manage 1 load of washing in a week!

B0bbin · 04/02/2020 23:47

You are working as hard as hom, perhaps harder. It's hard to get the balance, but he needs to understand you are not sat with your feet up, you're doing loads and need to catch up on sleep sometimes. Xx

B0bbin · 04/02/2020 23:48

him

Lifeonmars77 · 05/02/2020 01:04

I feel for you OP, this used to be my situation.

On some evenings, we would swap... I would take the dog out for an hour and he would look after the children - bathtime/prep bottles etc.

It wasnt exactly a rest but at least I got some fresh air and an hour to myself!

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2020 05:22

You shouldn't feel you're on your own with a partner

avocadoincident · 05/02/2020 08:30

www.home-start.org.uk

You deserve more help if that can't come from the people around you try homestart. They are a family support charity that can look after your little ones (in your home or out) whilst you rest or get showered or do jobs.

I worked there and we supported all types of families from all socioeconomic backgrounds.

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2020 08:57

But it should come from her partner!

Did he help before the babies?

Shoppingwithmother · 05/02/2020 09:05

Do things to make life easier for yourself in the day and rest more then. Eg you say you are tidying the same thing 20 times due to the toddler. Well don’t do that - leave it all day and do it once, just before your husband comes home.

Surely one of you can prepare the bottles while the other one washes up etc.

Also, the best thing to do is engineer a day where you go out all day and your husband stays at home with the kids by himself. Hopefully that will help him to realise what you are doing and that it is tiring work and he might then be a bit more helpful.

URPS · 05/02/2020 09:15

YANBU at all.

When my DC was still waking through the night I'd go to bed as soon as (my then) DP got home from work. He would do the bath and bed routine and the 10pm feed. I'd get back up for the 2am feed.

We would clean together at the weekend.

PrincessPain · 05/02/2020 09:32

Me and DH have a 9mo and a 2yo.
He does all toddler wake ups (and there are still many) while I do or baby wake ups.
While DH works and has a hobby of I need or want the time for something then we'll make it into the days plan and he will have the boys.
He'll also let me sleep in on weekends if I've had a particularly bad night.
And even with all that I still know I am doing the lions share of cooking, cleaning, mental load, planning and everything the boys and DH needs.
Yours needs to step up but not sure how you can make that happen if he doesn't want to.

username00 · 05/02/2020 09:35

YADNBU

You have a harder job than him. I've done his job and I can confirm this from experience

He needs to step up

Kirschcherry · 05/02/2020 09:44

My DH has a really difficult and stressful job (lives at stake, dealing with grief etc) which he works very long hours at, but when I had a baby and a toddler he came home every night and made dinner. He also had the toddler every night. He recognised how hard it was and did what he could to help. He also did not expect the house to be tidy all the time, until things got easier we both accepted that it was about survival and supporting each other to get through it.

AngelsSins · 05/02/2020 10:01

So he’s yet another man that thinks having kids should mean less work for him because now you should skivvy around after him? Fuck that. He needs to grow up. Are you planning to go back to work at some point? Please don’t sacrifice or compromise your career and independence for this man when you aren’t even married to him.

luckylavender · 05/02/2020 10:07

@HalfBiscuit - not every leader role in every call centre is exactly the same though is it? That's a crazy thing to say.

But you do need some downtime too OP.